Shark

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Did you know...

...sharks and bunnies are nature's best friends?

“Shark is just a name we give our mistakes. Or was it experience?”

~ Oscar Wilde on sharks

“dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum ”

~ That guy who did the music for "Jaws" on sharks

Sharks are the largest and most intelligent of the sea-faring mammals. They are the product of cross-breeding between dolphins and land-mammals. Notable species include the 'bull shark', the more exotic 'tiger shark', and the 'grey nurse', subject of numerous erotic novels popular in land-based retirement communities. The 'Great White Shark', as the name suggests, is widely regarded as both intellectually and physically superior to all other breeds. Inland species include the 'pool-shark' the 'loan shark' and the 'card shark'.

Holy Cow!!! It's a frickin' laser-shark feeding frenzy!

Sharks want to eat you. Sharks want to kill you and tear you into tiny tiny tiny little pieces and devour you the same way they have for millions of years in a supreme dictator style. But its not because they hate you, it's because they can. And because its their job you jackass, what you want, a medal? One theory on why sharks eat us was formed by Daniel Cookiumus, when he made an annoucment of his theory this is what he said "Sharks just banded together and decided, Let's start eating people"(theory yet to be proven to be a jackass and try figuring it out, cause you'll die, i'm serious they'll be like "That guy is fucked, I swear he is fucked, i'm gona kill him). It has been proven the hardest way to get pussy is survive an attack which just seemes to be hard but don't worry (it's worth IT).

1 Origins of the shark
2 Sobering Thought
3 Species
4 Did You Know?
5 Diet
6 Famous sharks

[edit] Origins of the shark

The shark the killer of the deep, the dominant predator of the ocean, feared by all who see it, once was the most powerful animal in the world. The shark had long ago walked the earth as man does today. The shark was a very advanced race they had very advanced laze-are technology which was even more advanced than the X-Box 360 Elite. With there technology they created huge societies and powerful weapons to combat their rivals “The Giant Chickens”. The sharks use to control the entire southeastern hemisphere which was pretty much Australia. But the humans kicked the sharks in the dorsal fin goodbye. The sharks also use to play children’s card games to decide laws which somehow seemed to work. They had many wars like the Sunday paper war of 457 S.E (Shark era) the sharks lost that war, and there was world war zero in 737 S.E where the sharks, toucans and the French allied against the chickens, Canadians and Gordon Ramsey the sharks were victorious. The sharks were inventors of many things such as the flying potato, electric guitar, the planet Mercury, Little Debby and pencils. Sharks were also the first species to find life on other planets in which they destroyed those species in a very laz-arey way with disco music. The down fall of the sharks was due to a species of a planet known as planet Sparta. The Spartans arrived on earth with the main goal of killing and screaming “this is Sparta!!!” The Spartans attacked the shark capital of Boise with nothing but basic army equipment a cape, a sword and shield and a very tight undergarment. The sharks attacked with there super beaming laz-are weapons but the laz-ares were ineffective the continuous screaming of “this is Sparta!!!” broke the waves which the laz-are beams traveled thus a constant slaughter of sharks commenced. The sharks eventually were forced to flee towards the sea. Over the years the shark evolved into a state bound to water and their laz-are technology was used to make clothing for the Spartans. The Spartans were taken down by Chuck Norris with a can opener. So the sharks live to this day in the in the seas of earth defending Chuck Norris from clams and shrimp in the water. (he hates them)

[edit] Sobering Thought

In 2004, Sharks killed 11.9999999 Humans (Source: [1])
In 2004, Humans killed more than 12 Sharks (Source: [2])
In 2005, The Great Shark wars destroyed every last cute and cuddly dolphin.
In 2002, Sharks painted the toenails of more than 450.2 blonde beach babes. (The .2 is to include Paris Hilton )

Nasa typically employs the use of sharks.

Umm...
Sharks can kick your ass from here to right over there.
Puts it in perspective, doesn't it?
Sharks, as well as dinosaurs, are the only thing that can damage Samuel L. Jackson.
Incidentally, the theme music sharks hear when a human approaches is also the music in the paris hilton sex tape, but you wouldn't know because its on my hard drive not yours. WHOS GOT THE 3 and a quarter inch floppy now? very frightening indeed.
The only thing more powerful than a shark is the planet Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is currently learning the ways of Shark-Fu, a branched style of Kung-Fu.

[edit] Species

[edit] Land Shark

The Landshark, closing in for another kill on the set of Saturday Night Live

The land shark is the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the land shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami's Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the nose.

Now for the weather..

[edit] Card Shark

A subspecies of Land Shark, this notorious fish is often spotted in casinos and saloons depending on the status of the individual. The most damage dealt by one was 50,000 dollars in high stake Texas Hold-Em. Modified fins for holding paper money and cards. Has uncanny knowledge of mathematics.

[edit] Shark with Laser beam Attached to it's Head

Evil and cool. Recommended for all evil people. Involves getting a shark and attaching a laser beam to it's head. Aim at that bragging neighbor's new Porsche for some added fun. Also used to knock over buildings, Push over international icons and eat annoying businessmen and that certain bragging neighbor. Unfortunately it cannot eat your Broccoli for you. If you should happen to hear a shark chargin' its lazer (Sound: Ima chargin ma lazer...IMA FIRIN' MA LAZER!! SHOOP DA WHOOP!!) Its best to duck and hide behind a wall of babies. Babies have special protein in their skin which deflect shark lazers.

[edit] Freakin Shark with Freakin Laser Beam Attached to it's Freakin Head

Even more dangerous than the regular kind this species seems to be so evil and cool that only The Empire and Dr Evil can get them. The word freakin has driven the sharks into a frenzy that makes them immune to Broccoli and makes their lasers babyproof. The only way to beat them is to feed them either sprouts or Paris Hilton ( a noble sacrifice for these great beasts. The sharks that is not Paris or Sprouts. They can go to hell). They don't even need SHOOP DA WOOP to fire their lasers which are upgraded from the standard issue. The new lasers can fire everywhere at once. The only thing you can do to defend yourself from these horrible leviathans of evil lairs and other waterways is to crap yourself and hope you ate sprouts. but because sprouts are disgusting then your odds are not good. Best to just kill yourself before the shark does it for you or pretend it's not happening. And even if you've got protection in the form of Master Chief, Al Gore or Jesus. Well you can get saved by P-tri because he is like the asomeous god ever, although has no luck what so ever . If hes not there to save you its best just to run or swim like you're Britney Spears being chased by Chris Crocker.yes you may also get cover from sierra and the mostest awsome transformer ever bummble bee.

[edit] Flying shark

The scene of a recent flying shark attack.

The flying shark is a relative of the land shark. Most, but not all, have frickin' laser beams on their frickin' heads which they use to zap their frickin' prey,(COOL) along with any innocent passers-by. The flying shark was the symbol for the Whig party, however the frickin' laser on his frickin' head was replaced with one of those frickin' old white wigs (groan).

See Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. AND MUST SEE P-TRI FOR THE OTHER ANSWERS YOU DONT HAVE AND IF THAT HOT =LINE DOESNT WORK SEE {CHUCK NORRIS} FOR THE OTHER ANSWERS

[edit] Did You Know?

The name 'shark' is a misnomer. Sharks are very worried about looking cool at all times, and they constantly say to each other "Sharp!" as a greeting and indication of how they look. A Lack of lips and the resulting thpeech impediment has resulted in the garbled "Shark!". Hence, the cause of 90% of all shark attacks is resentment of having their speech issues mocked. The other 10 percent is simply because they are bored and want something to do. A shark's natural diet consists of kittens, 16 year olds, starfish, and barefeet.
Over $666 million dollars in loans were made by sharks in New York. It was a choice between them or bankers.
When not hard at work, sharks can usually be found crowded around pool tables in local bars.
Sharks do not eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.
Shark vagina is a delicacy in Mombasa
Morgan Slevakiangchuiyiichi III (aka homosharkien)has been named the n00b of all Sharks, and is planning a takeover of the human race.
A new form of fuel is being invented right now that is powered by sharks.
The shark, while atop an elephant, is considered the Deadliest animal ever.
Sharks have a strong preferance to the taste of divers with flippers on, especially those holding steaks and dressed as seals.
Using sharks as portable bowling alleys is very popular in the eastern parts of the west coast of Hungary.
Sharks are currently waging a 100 year war on dolphins
Sharks are sharky (as in shark like)
GameSharks aren't real sharks, though some of their behavior is similar.
Scientists have successfully cloned a shark with the ability to read, write and shoot laser beams out of it's head.
Sharks have their own coat of arms depicting the current 100 year war on dolphins, pool tables and lots and lots of chum.
Jack Thompson is a shark.
It's a proven fact all sharks are bi curious
There is a reality tv show in the works called shark factor

[edit] Diet

Pretty much just about freakin anything. Sharks have been found with some weird stuff inside them. Ranging from vehicle license plates to tires to that cool surfer guy you used to see hangin' around down by the dock where they have FUCK, an English major?

If it's edible it eats it! Duh!

Also they eat they're own legs if they can't find food.