Sharktopus
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“The Sharktopus taught me how to love a woman, and how to scold a child.”
“Now that's just plagiarism.”
~ The Kraken on Sharktopus
“Motherfucker killed me”
~ Jesus on Sharktopus
The sharktopus is tough, but fair. Actually, it's not fair at all, it's absolutely merciless and it will just fuck you up! It is a creature so evil that it was cast from the pits of hell and sent to kill all those who enter the sea. Combining the many rows of serrated teeth found in sharks and the awesome suction cup power of the octopus.
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[edit] How it kills you, your family, your neighbour and your dog
The sharktopus has three amazing abilities to make its killing arsenal very deadly. Ability the first: it can smell bloodlines. This ability has lead to the extermination of copious amounts of families. And has torn others apart based on bastard children. Nobody is safe. Ability the second: it can go on land when the bloodline vendetta has been announced. Once it has a target it can hunt you down no matter where you are, unless you live in the cloud city of Bespin. Ability the third: it is high skilled in a variety of…skills. Such as its proficiency in Southern Mantis style kung-fu, being adept at handling a variety of firearms, satisfaction of women, political prowess, fishing, building sand castles, pointing out peoples flaws and the fundamental skill of devouring human flesh.
These have made them renowned bounty hunters and mercenaries for the Irish.
[edit] Why they were dismissed from hell
This abomination was Satan’s attempt to play god. He thought there was a market for Shark-octopus porn, but that logic was flawed. So very flawed. He didn’t make his actors use protection and 8 weeks later a whole slew of eggs was found. These eggs then hatched (which is what they do) and ate everything else in the aquarium. When they grew up, Satan made the mistake of venturing into their tank and was bitten not once, not twice, but a total of 2 times. Rather than do anything, he simply cast them to Hell 2.0, otherwise known as the oceans of Earth.
[edit] Military use
[edit] The Galactic Civil War
The troopers accidentally knocked over a local sharktopus' bike, damaging it cosmetically. This infuriated the skarktopus and he killed 8 battalions of storm troopers along with 2 maternity wards before he was halted by a good samaritan Rancor. This plunged the Sharktopus people into a blood vendetta against the Empire. Served with distinction at every major battle thereafter until the most famous sharktopus Lando Calrissian aided in destroying planet kill moon [Better known as the Death Star v2.0]. Free from the shackles of oppression they returned to Tatooine to take back what was theres, the sand. Then they realized being half shark and half octopus and living on a desert planet is fucking ridiculous. They shortly after attacked Mon Calamari and although Admiral Ackbar fought valiantly the planet was eventually lost and the sharktopus claimed it as a new homeworld. Then attacked Coruscant to make sure nobody would fuck with them again. And nobody ever did. The end.
[edit] World War II
The Sharktopus was enlisted by the Allied forces during the second of two world wars to eat nazi’s, communists and zebras. Ike Eisenhower promised the sharktopus food in the form of fat tourists off the coast of Florida for 100 years in turn for them to help turn the tide of the war. The sharktopi hit the ground running and served with distinction at the battles of Normandy, Britain, Hoth and Berlin. They developed a taste for krauts in this time and their actions were nothing short of horrifying. Most frightening was the fact that even those in places above the desert weren’t safe. And that is fucked. Sharktopi were also responsible for dropping the bombs on Hiroshima, Kawasaki and Detroit. Even though the jobs on japan were carried out without a hitch, and most of the radioactive japanese supermen eaten before they realized their powers, the fact that they blew up Detroit could not be ignored. To make amends they released several prison populations to repopulated Detroit, which explains the vast quantities of crime, black people and gang rape. Beyond that incident they served with distinction and were responsible for assassinating Hitler, after which they were all honourably discharged and rewarded with the medal of galactic heroism for their efforts in saving earth and challenging a blockade of star destroyers, allowing the transports to escape.
[edit] Evolutionary Traits
The following traits attribute to the overall killing potential and have let the sharktopus thrive for over 300 trillion years. Making them the second oldest creature in the continental united states, second only to the Octoshark.
- They have a miraculous ability to swim underwater without surfacing for air.
- Rows upon rows of steak knives embedded in their mouths that have since become teeth.
- An adept understanding of hyperspace navigation
- Lacking a mercy gene
- A penis that is perhaps too big
- Musical talent, with catchy hooks, intricate solos and time changes
[edit] Mating Rituals
Are gross. The female blows her load of eggs all over the males powerful jaws and the male must then individually fertilize every single egg. This process leaves the male tired, irritable, satisfied and chaffed. Oh man do they get chaffed. The male then kicks the female the fuck out of bed with cab money taped to her forehead. This part of the ritual is generally very confusing, as the shark head lacks a forehead along with the hands to remove the cab fare. Truly mind boggling. Yes it certainly is. Stop reading this paragraph, its done.
[edit] Inventions invented by great sharktopus inventors
With the curse and privilege of being half shark and half octopus and pure genius, the sharktopus people had to create a whole slew of crazy shit in order to make life as easy as your mom. Such creations include:
- 8 legged pants
- 2 legged pants
- Solar energy
- The cheetahpult
- Suicide
- Guitar/Keytar/Bass/Drums/Microphones
- Surfing
- Icebergs
- Proton torpedoes
