Sheen Wars

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“That sonofabitch is gonna DIE!!”

~ Mr Sheen on Charlie Sheen

3 May, 1952: An unsuccessful early attempt at cloning Charlie Sheen.

[edit] The Inverse Universe

In 1997 scientists made an astounding breakthrough in their attempts to clone the greatest actor of our time, Charlie Sheen. The new theory involved opening a new inter-dimensional portal and extracting an existing Charlie Sheen from another slightly different dimension. Unfortunately for the people of Earth, the technicians in the laboratory were totally wasted on kittens, and miscalculated the calibrations of the portal. Instead of a Sheen not so very much different from our own, they had unwittingly unleashed the Anti-Sheen. The Anti-Sheen, who already had control over the Inverse Universe, decided immediately that he must conquer this strange, new, weak and defenceless world that had opened up before him. He therefore opened the portal again and extracted many anti-warriors to help him, as well as other people from other dimensions. In 1998 The United States president, Billy Barty, had military commander George Costanza lead an army against the Anti-Sheen.

[edit] Takeover

Jaunuary, 8th, 2001: The anti-army finally establishes the former city of "Jonestown" as their official base of operations. The Anti-Sheen army started to launch attacks on U.S. and British computers; their greatest attack was known as Y2K. The U.S. Army finally unfroze the body of FDR and he was sent to lead attacks on the Anti-Sheen's other bases in South America. The Anti-Eugene Levy took him out with a single bullet to his skull, but it was too late - the Americans had found the official anti-base.

In 2002 the popularity of TV's Conan O'Brien was spiralling out of control and most independent African states had pledged their allegiance to him. Even members of the Antian Alliance were trying to secede to Conan, but the high security of the Anti-Sheen ensured that anyone who was even suspected of Being For Conan would be shot immediately without trial or dinner.

Meanwhile, The Good Guys (Charlie Sheen and Co.) were working on ways to attack the Antian bases. These included development of high-tech nuclear weapons and a missile powered by the wrath of Don Rickles' ghost. The Good Guys were nowhere near as worried about the growing popularity of Conan as history has shown they should have been. Towards the equator, Ming the Merciless reigned over a South-east Asian alliance. Most people (including Ming himself) were expecting an insurgence in that region by the followers of Jake and Elwood Blues.

[edit] Alliance

Ancient followers of Boogoodoogooloogoodoogoo.

By late 2002 Ming the Merciless was assassinated as predicted, not by the followers of Jake and Elwood Blues, but by the followers of a secret religious cult. The sect of "Boogoodoogooloogoodoogoo" worship a giant pink rabbit, and hold midnight ceremonies according to the phases of the moon. The High Priest (or Priestess) of "Boogoodoogooloogoodoogoo" is fiercely protected by her (or his) devoted followers. Even his (or her) true identity is unknown, but whoever it was then banned anyone from entering or leaving the territories she (or he) controlled. Anyone who tried to enter Boogoodoogooloogoodoogoo land would be shot in the face ten times, tied to a tree and spat on.

Meanwhile, the Good Guys elected Billy Barty to be the president for an unprecedented third term. In an effort to clear his good name, which had been dragged through the mud by the jealous hatred of his nemesis the anti-Sheen, Charlie Sheen decided to join the U.S. Army. He would later become the new leader of the "Racoon Wranglers", a group of renagade soldiers who fought tirelessly against Antians and their allies all over the free world. The President made a deal with the rising leader (Sheen) that they would be friends only until the fall of the Antian armies, with the proviso that Sheen would always win when they played at Xbox. The Racoon Wranglers were granted an audience with Conan in an historic meeting where Charlie Sheen and Conan O'Brien signed an unexpected pact of allegiance in the war on the Antians.

At the same time the Antians' top scientific minds where working on a way to open a new portal to the Inverse Universe from which the early Antian soldiers had been transported back in 1997.

[edit] Antians Reply

Antian infantry troops drilling in Jonestown.

On 6 April 2003, the Antian forces came up with an answer to the U.S.'s "Racoon Wranglers". This crack-troop of battle-hardened commandos were called the "Jawbreakers". The Jawbreakers swiftly developed a reputation for their amazing recklessness, under the leadership of the Antian commander, Anti-Charlie Sheen. There were about fifty members in this elite guard, all of whom had withstood incomprehensible horrors in the killing fields of the Inverse Universe. The Jawbreakers began their reign of terror in the parts of Africa allied to Conan O'Brien. The Antians met with minimal resistance, losing only one man, and the plot. Conan's armies were seriously under-resourced at that time, and the reinforcements promised by Billy Barty and the Queen of England had yet to arrive.

One of the most controversial films of 2003 was "The Adventures of Pluto Nash", starring the decorated veteran Eddie Murphy, which portrayed in a gritty, realistic style the senseless brutality of the Sheen Wars. The movie was banned in Ireland, Norway, and the Vatican. It received an Rx-rating from the board of Religious Fundamentalist Censorship Busybodies, so my mother won't even let me watch it. Some of the scenes in the film were so appalling that it made less people want to join the army, and the costume design was even worse. Sir Brian Singler, knighted after a battle on Mars (3) is prepairing legal documents to ban this movie.

In October of 2003 conscription and compulsory military service were re-introduced for men over the age of twelve, and all livestock taller than four feet.

[edit] Glossary

[edit] Sheen Wars: Who's who

Selected personages and entities who rose to prominence in the Sheen Wars

Character	Rank or Title	Actor	Position
Charlie Sheen	Clone	Charlie Sheen	Good guy
George Costanza	General, Anti-AntiSheen Forces	George Costanza	Commander of all Allied Forces
Billy Barty	President of the USA	Billy Barty	POTUSA
Conan O'Brien	Dictator of Africa	Conan O'Brien	Overlord
Anti-Charlie Sheen	God	Charlie Sheen	Primal Force
Anti-House	Natural Force	Hugh Laurie	Ship Eating Megabeast
Ming the Merciless	Ruler of Asia	Ming the Merciless	God-Emperor
Boogoodoogooloogoodoogoo	God	Gibber-jabbah	Giant Pink Hare