Sheffield
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“Ummnnnn....Isn't it that place with billions of steel factories...In the North?. ”
~ Someone who has only briefly visited Sheffield (A typical Southener) on Sheffield
“By God! If it isn't the greatest city in Britain!”
~ Gordon Brown on Sheffield.
Sheffield, also known as: low standards, shitsville, steel city and that big puddle, was invented in 1760 by a Hobbit called Bilbo Baggins who was fed up of living in him hometown, The Shire. His friends and family turned on him, often calling him "queer", meaning to be strange, not to be confused with the modern term to be gay.
Sheffield went to war with The Shire after just one year of establishment. Bilbo had built an army so big that they consumed the population of The Shire and gained victory.
2 years after the victory at The Shire, some exiled Sheffieldans created a new city. They called it Leeds because they had no imagination and they never made it look clean. To this day it stinks of piss and the Sheffieldans blame Leeds for low tourist count in the Yorkshire area of England.
The current president of Sheffield, Samwise Gamgee, along with his associates Merry and Pippin plan to wage war on Leeds in 2013 once a formidable army has been built. This will be called the The Great War of Yorkshire. Bilbo Baggins is tipped at 10/1 to make a amazing comeback and defeat all the scum of Leeds, once formerly The Shire. Samwise was the first person supposily suspected of seeing the big Bing which is now discovered to be created in the exact spot sheffield now restes in/
Frodo Baggins comes in at 15/3 to be the first to be slain on the battlefield.
LET THE WAR BEGIN!!
Contents |
[edit] Sean Bean
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "One does not simply walk into Mordor..."
- "Neil Warnock you fucking useless prick! Fuck off the Crystal Palace and be really successful with them, we're getting a worse manager in to replace you!"
- "Sheffield United? Never heard of them."
- "My accent will be the death of these Hobbits."
- "I've heard tha's got beef wi me."
- "if you get a tomato and a potato together they become pomato!!!"
- "02 see what thaa can do"
- "reason number 750- Warnocks a wanker."
[edit] Facts
[edit] Name (short form)
- The City of dreams
- EX-Dave Allen City
- Wonderfull home of football
- Blackwell shity
- Better-and-Cleaner-Than-Leeds
- Deedar Land
- Brown-Nose Land
- Notasgoodaschesterfield land
- God's own country
[edit] Name (long form)
- Northen Sheffield Decromatic Pigshit
- Republic of Southen Sheffield
- Shefield - Now home to 3456728666 NME interviewers!!!!
[edit] Population
- 18,000,001
[edit] Population Breakdown
- 8,999,996 Chavs
- 8,999,996 Moshers
- 3 Normal people
- 3 Crazy french people
- 1 Cooper (Lurking in the Woods)
[edit] Area
- Total: 77 sq metres(m)
- Land: 30.5 sq m
- Water: 46.5 sq m
- Note water area is currently approximately 76.8 sq m (27/06/07)
[edit] Climate
- Well, when it rains the barbie comes out.
- Rain, snow, floods,
- Arguably worse weather than Manchester
[edit] National Drinks
- Glue Solvents, Connection Fluid, Klingon Tea, Molten Steel, Jeyes Fluid, Ward's, Hendersons Relish, Pepsi, Tetley's, Carling, Stones
[edit] Main Exports
Stolen Car Parts, Niche, relish, Hair Sandwiches and Sean Bean
[edit] History
Sheffield is inhabited by the Hobbit legion who overran and took the city during the 3rd War of the Ring. The Hobbits ruled with an iron fist, then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. For years following the Chavs' great defeat, they were heard desperately muttering 'Innit' and 'Bling' to try to overcome their loss, yet without the numbers of Chav drones previously seen, they soon became extinct in the wild, with only the odd one or two remaining in zoos/prisons nationwide.
[edit] THE GREAT SPLIT
On 29th November 2007, Frodo baggins was murdered. This brought great confusion which led to civil war. The war ended after 1 hour 'cause no soldiers could be arsed to fight no more.They agreed on the great split, which divided North and South Sheffield.(YAY!)
[edit] Crime
Crime in the New Shire is now at an all-time low, with muggings, carjackings and felching finally ending when the last truly free Chav, Bill Bryson, died in captivity. Fargate
[edit] Industry
Sheffield was once a small city with a thriving industry in the production of Stainless Steel cutlery. It is now home to the Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant after the previous site, Chernobyl, got an F on its public health examination after the inspector died on getting out of the car.
[edit] Music:
'T Artic Monkeys, Reverend and the makers, Def Leppard, Little man tate, and lots of other good stuff which constantly fight in The Leadmill Music arena now-more-of-a-Battlefield.
[edit] People
The main population is of Good un's, but you can be sure that every Sheffieldian you meet is a social reject from some other town, possibly even another country . Uninterestingly, the general populace of Sheffield is unsure what they should collectively call themselves, as "Sheffielders" doesn't have the same ring to is a "Londoners" and "Sheffieldians" is just gay. Hardly anyone calls them "Sheffers", though few people have used this crappy term. Overall, people from sheffield are friendly people, and beat Londoners 100000000000000000000-0 on generosity. ahem - please note this slight but important mote point people that are born and bred in this wonderful city refer to themselves as Sheffield : as in 'Werz e frum den?' ... Im? Eez Sheffield' ..... laconic, reasonable people.
[edit] Dialect
Are da goin darn 't pub den? = Are you going down to the public bar then, then? DEEE DARRS
- Reyt sick= Really good
- Summit= Something
- Mardy= Grumpy, feisty, basically a grumpy old shit
- Soz= Sorry
- I've heard dah's got beef wi me = I've heard that you have quarrel with me?
- Chavs. The herd is diminishing: A typical example of a Chav is Ben Brocklesby. He is the ultimate chav and must be approached with extremem caution. they are often recognized by their confused pets, blaring hip-hop (a.k.a. "Sheffield Folk") and their 'trackie bottoms'. Some believe that Chavs don't have a brain that can understand things, such as why they should work hard at school and why they should become management consultants. Others believe that Chavs don't have a brain. Council houses are being built all over the city, to provide the natural habitat for this species, mainly the female teenage Chav and her young (the fathers are removed to prison before the birth of their young). The youth of today, makes me sick. In my day we respected our elders!
- Rockers. Emos, Scene Kids, moshers, punks, goths, etc etc. You name them, Sheffield has them, but in miniature, such as the 'Minnie Moshers' (8-16 year olds). The 'Minnie Moshers' have certain habits such as:
- Getting older moshers to buy the alcohol and fags.
- Sitting in herds in the Peace gardens (reason unknown).
- Hanging around in skate parks, clubs and shops such as 'Rocky Horrors'.
- Asians: Are mainly Chavs from Asia. They can be recognized almost everywhere in:
- newsagents.
- cheap take aways.
- your taxi driver.
- Racists
- Other:
- Elderly: the people who are too old to leave their house, but they do so anyway. And also those who take 5 minutes just to sit down on the bus.
- Business people: those who walk around in smart suits and disappear into the world of importance. They are mainly seen from 7-8am in the morning.
- Tourists: Those who take pictures of letter- and phone-boxes. Unbeknownst to them the red paint used on these distinctive items of Britishness is made of liquefied tourist.
- Annoyings: Those people that like to stand in corridors or at the top of an entrance and chat to their friends so that people can't get past. Their main location for evil people blocking is usually Town, MEADOWELL, Hospitals, and generally anywhere public.
- Other other: any hobo and unclassified person.
[edit] Tourist attractions
- Conduit Road (it's very steep!)
- The freaky old woman who hangs around the library
- Hills. It's very hilly.
[edit] See also
- Who the fuck put Worksop here?
- Nowhere in particular, just Rotherham
- And you thought sheffield was bad!
- What continent sheffield is in.
- Sheffield's top rival
- Another rival
