Sheriff of Nottingham
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“Zip Zong Diddly Bo Diddly Dum”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Sheriff Of Nottingham
“Like sucking a goat”
~ Jim Bowen on The Sheriff Of Nottingham
The Sheriff Of Nottingham also known as The Warden or The Pride is a sour, over-keen law enforcement officer who governates the Wollaton area of Shottingham. Despite being a Midlander, his harsh methods of enforcing the law are considered equal in stature to Keith Chegwin's face. It must be noted that he is a keen fan of world music and Marmite, particularly when mixed together.
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[edit] History
The Sheriff was created during a 4-year long drought in the Beeston area of Nottingham in the latter stages of the century. Originally devised as a method of harvesting corn, he got his big break in the first month, when times were rough and flavoured. In early days he had aspirations of being a steward for his beloved Nottingham Forest, although the closest he ever managed was being a programme-seller. The Sheriff is renowned throughout The People's Republic of the East Midlands for driving out the plague of locusts that damaged Nottingham's newly planted crop of illegal firearms and beans. The locusts were later found gnawing away at some passing sunlight.
In the second series, The Sheriff was sent to higher plains at LnacSatRe uiNVErisTy. Although crime statistics in his new jurisdiction were slashed, tortured if you will, his native Nottingham fared much worse. Muggings went up by 590%, while laundry theft went up by an astonishing 52345%. This has resulted in periodic visitations from The Sheriff himself. Although it must be said that his returns usually result in high percentages of obedient citizens and strangulations from officers of the law.
The Sheriff himself was said to be highly angered when the inappropriately named 'Nottingham East Midlands Airport' was named to a satisfactory 'East Midlands Airport - Nottingham, Leicester, Derby'. His disapproval was noticed when the runway was dug up and relocated in Finland.
[edit] Most Wanted
[edit] Places Where The Sheriff Is Feared
Despite only holding law-enforcing duties in Nottingham and Lancaster University, The Sheriff's reputation precedes him almost wherever he goes. The list of places below are exceptionally high on The Sheriff's hitlist.
- Westfield's Midland Corporation City
- The Giant Walker's Crisp Factory
- The Anti-Rehabilitation Centre
[edit] Criticisms
The Sheriff is widely known for his Kill First, Talk Later policy. This has drawn bad press from as far away as Yorkshire, where some believe he should simply maim and torture, rather than actually kill.
Several protests have been held in Nottingham's city centre regarding The Sheriff's stance. One such protest led to the death of 15,000 people, leading to the inaugration of Nottingham Supertram. The Sheriff himself did not comment on the issue, as he was too busy watching his latest Scrubs episode, and had been awake since 4am.
