Shetland islands

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It is thought that the Shetland Isles are in the top left hand corner within the Box-however few sane people have returned form the area to scientifically verify this

“The map says there should be big islands around here but we can't find them?!”

~ Trawlerman just off the coast of Aberdeen on Shetland

The bleak nacreous skies lie over the Shetland Isles belies some truth to the spirit and culture of the place. The islands are famed for being a Toxic waste dump and a hide out for Glasgow/Irish criminals-as such Orkney has one three star B+B to accommodate "Visitors".

1 Geography
2 History
3 Culture
4 See also

[edit] Geography

According to every world atlas, the islands are situated in a mysterious little box just outside of Aberdeen alongside Orkney. The Box of Mystery is thought to be an ancient sea wall built in the Moray Firth by the Emperor Hadrian to keep Vikings out in the 1700's. However, it was demolished in the 1970's to create the offshore Beatrice Field, a large field of reclaimed land where potatoes are now grown offshore to avoid winter frosts onshore. GPS tracking of native seals has convinced some experts that the islands may be somewhere north of Alaska. However, information is sketchy because no one can be bothered to go there. It is believed that it is a haven for islands forgotten by the world. Jersey, the Falklands and French Polynesia are thought to be hiding from the law there.

The climate is very windy in Shetland, so windy in fact that a rare breed of Atlantic Puffin (Puffinus Shetlundis) has evolved to fly backwards. No trees are found either as they are simply uprooted and are cast into the sea, causing on average 12 deaths to islanders every year. Plans are in progress to harness this energy and convert the island group into the world's largest wind farm which will generate enough electricity to power up to 15 homes in Aberdeen, a couple of streets down south and a kettle in Stromness. Being so far north, the islands receive no sunlight in the winter but enjoy up to two whole hours of sunlight per day in the summer months. As a result, the residents of Shetland go into hibernation from November through to March where nobody is permitted to leave the house or open for business without being brutally attacked by the local minister. It's a bit like the average Sunday really but just one that lasts 5 months long (not as bad as the Western Isles though).

[edit] History

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Shetland islands.

Shetland was created on the 5th of May 1999 in an attempt to create an place where the entire population of the United Kingdom could live if the "Millennium Bug" did in fact exist. Shetland contained no electronic devices and no was thought to be a safe haven due to its location in the middle of The Sea of Nuts. However on the 21 of May 1999 a farmer named Jack Billocks brought a Digital Wrist Watch to the Island and therefore the entire plan had to be scrapped. The island was Abandoned soon after and set for detonation. Months later it was confirmed that an "Oily Goo" was sweeping over the Entire length of the Island. Many scientists argued that this "Goo" was in fact "Shetlanders" , a race of sub-human that had been on the Island since the early hours of May 5th. But many of the public rejected this idea and burned down the Natural History Museum in Skegness in protest at the scientists for not inventing the Wheelie Bin in time for the Garbage Riots of 1908.

[edit] Culture

Present day Shetland has a rich culture, many nights you can see people walking aimlessly through the streets of Lerwick hoping to trip on the pavement stones and sue the Scottish Government for 3 Sheep which must include a good looking one. Most mornings you can see that guy nipping about in his Robin Reliant painted like The A-Team van possibly heading out for another mission or perhaps back to his parents for his dinner. Shetland has 2 nightclubs which are poor. Perhaps the most notable thing about Shetland is the ferry trip away from it, you can get pissed till you puke and most people are being seasick all over the place so you don't look as bad.

Every year in January the locals hold a boat burning ceremony called the Up Helly Aa where they dance around a burning vessel wearing live sheepskin cloaks and tin cups with shoe horns on their heads carrying flashlights, while others indulge in cross dressing. This is promoted as a tourist attraction - please do not be fooled by this, it is an attempt by the indigenous tribes to increase its ever failing population hence the reason they burn your boat to stop you leaving and offer you as sacrificial gifts to the Norse god Farbauti (pronounced far-bou'te after the old Aberdonian for "where?").