Shigeru Miyamoto

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Shigeru Miyamoto, having just perfected his "bring video game characters to life and make them stuffed animals" machine.

Shigeru Miyamoto (Japanese: 死博士) is God's right hand man who is trying to save the world through cute fluffy stuffed animals and colourful video games. His plots have been repeatedly foiled by Nintendo, the very company he works for, by ordering him to work on Super Mario 128 instead of practicing his messages from the Almighty. Also is the man in command of the Nintendo Wiivolution, after a long time being inactive since the French Revolution. Shigeru Miyamoto now resides in a small fishing village located on the outskirts of Poland, by the Baltic Sea. He is accompanied by his assistant Guadalupe, and his wife, Helga.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Shigeru Miyamoto.

[edit] History

Born in the Mushroom Kingdom with large headed toadstool male lovers as parents, he fell through a warp pipe at the age of 3. He lived in the sewers until the age of 23. He dealt some sweet Legend of Zelda-style ass kicking day and night on hordes of Giant Piranha Plants, Goombas , Bob-ombs, Koopas, and high voiced reptiles called Yoshis with his most prized possession the Master Sword for nothing more than scraps of decayed McDonalds quality bird meat he looted off the corpses of the desert avians called Kleptos, who were located in that sewer for no apparent reason. It continued for 20 years when Shigeru Miyamoto decided sewer life was not the life for him for him. Leaving this dark land where thick bass pumping music was played night after night he left for the golden city of Japan which fortunately was directly above him. There he became addicted to magic mushrooms and karaoke until landing him a job at the local vegetarian food processing plant Nintendo which he thought was a strip club. Closely thereafter, Miyamoto was contacted by God, telling him that through him, he would bring the age of happiness. Miyamoto was then given God given powers, with the ability to turn anything he touched into a successful video game series.

He did not realize these powers until after he had shaken hands with his Twin Italian plumbers, his Green Clothed Newspaper boy, and his wife. While in a Prototype of a new Nintendo Robot suit, which granted the wearer to become a ball, and his son's little pink stuffed ball. After finding these powers out, he now wears Power Gloves, except when he sees something with potential.

Many people believe that Miyamoto is indeed, on mushrooms, because of his likewise addicting games. This is not so, this is strictly the will of God.

In the Year 2658, he became the Emperor of Japan and it was he who helped Emperor Santeri Syrjäläinen form the Double Empire, AKA The Finnish Empire.

When Miyamoto told the reporter at the NYT that the new Nintendo console would cost $250USD, the reporter asked why it was $50 higher than previous Nintendo consoles. Miyamoto said it was due to differences in the exchange rate. So the reporter said "Fluctuations?"

Miyamoto replied "Fluck you Amelicans too!"

He is known infamously for keeping features of his new games secret. This has saved Nintendo from devastation countless times. For instance, while working on his new game Super Mario Moonshine, Miyamoto had enough foresight to hold off on revealing Mario's revolutionary water pack in the game. As soon as the water pack was finally unveiled, Microsoft made a mad dash to implement a similar water pack device into Halo 2, but they didn't have enough time, and Super Mario Moonshine was already on the way. It was in Miyamoto's childhood that he learned to be so fearful of others stealing his things. At the fragile age of 7 years old, Miyamoto had his mother stolen from him by a man named Sonny, and later his dogs and little brother were kidnapped by a man named Michael Shoft. This trend continued throughout his life. As most people know, Miyamoto is the grandfather of video games, and in fact every single video game idea ever was originally his. He made these ideas only to have them rampantly stolen from his Idea Bong next to his bed.

[edit] The Great Pakistan invasion and Alcoholism

During the mid-90s Miyamoto had captured over 300,000 komoto dragons off the coast of Tazmania. Such a large amount of lizards could not be kept away from Shigeru's dream of invading Pakistan. On January 14, 1996 Miyamoto's forces seized the capital but was later defeated several times in the following months. Many casualties led to the "pull-out" on June 22, 1997, during this time Miyamoto gave into his craving for Jack Daniel's and scotch. This he admitted in a 2002 interview was "a dark time" in his life.

[edit] The Breakdown Of Miyamoto

After recovering from the shame of his failure to invade Pakistan, Miyamoto suffered a breakdown. He flew to Switzerland, bought a gun and started drinking. Later on in the week, he drunkenly barged into a Swiss plasic surgery clinic, screaming obscenities and demanding to made to look like Princess Peach. He then stripped to a pink thong and administered botox to his face while humming the theme to 'Link's Awakening'. Miyamoto was subsequently detained by the Swiss Authoraties and spent the millennium being boned by Switzerland's most dangerous murderers in the shower. However, one of these murderers was Nintendo's resident shouting monster, Reggie 'Speggie Deggie' Fils-Aime, so at least some good came out of the escapade.

[edit] Unknown Facts

Shigeru and his friends on a joy ride.

Shigeru and one of his friends.

• Knows Engrish
• Knows Flench
• Knows Japornese
• Knows mario
• Is married to Samus (sorry nerds)
• Had an affair with Princess Peach (who hasn't really)
• Lieks Mudkips
• Love Wiis

Rumour has it that this incident is why the Wii is being shipped later than expected.

• Has been described by Kondo as following 'He's always happy. He's kind of like Squirrel strung out on crack.'
• He is a French Knight, no really.
• As of January 23 2008, Miyamoto will be taking over from Chuck Norris as Grand Dragon of the Bristol branch of the Ku Klux Klan. (GIRL SCREAMS) It was a joke - A JOKE DAMN IT!
• The only living man who can simply walk into Mordor.

[edit] See also

• God