Shilpa Shetty

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“I wrote The Fictional Shilpa Shetty.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“No that isn't a hamster, it's Richard Gere who's still stuck up there.”

~ Shilpa Shetty on Something hanging out the rear

“She has great cheeks and I've kissed all four of them!”

~ Richard Gere on Shilpa Shetty

Shilpa 'Poppadom' Shetty (pronounced dir-kah-dir-kah in her native hole) is one of Bollywood's glamorous poppadoms who enjoys quite a fan base amongst Indian film viewers recently british people have taken to watching these films they are better known as 'pervs'.

[edit] Career

[edit] Film Career

The 31-year-old does not have the kind of audience pull a top actress such as Aishwarya Rai, Rani Mukherjee, Cliff Richards or Preity Zinta possesses. But she certainly adds value to a high-profile star cast.

Shetty was first noticed in 1993 when she starred in a supporting actress role opposite actor Shah 'banana pants' Khan in the hit film Baazigar (Plonker). She then went on to play lead roles in hits such as Main Khiladi Tu Anari (It Aint Half Hot Mum), Dhadkan (Yes My Dad Can) and We Luvay De-Great-Won (We Love Saddam).

Later, she got tremendous recognition for her portrayal of a lawyer with HIV in the 2004 film Phir Milenge (One Less - Millions To Go). Inspired by Hollywood hit Philadelphia, it also won her nominations in several Indian film awards, such as the International Indian Film Academy Awards, and Ranjit's Curry House Awards (free delivery within 3 miles). Her last hit was 2005's Dus (Lets Try To Be Convincing For Once), in which she starred with other top-notch actors such as Sanjay Dutt, Keith Richards and Abhishek Bachchan.

Starring in the ongoing film Forever, the film that is to be the longest Bollywood movie in history.

Now filming Dracula with Richard Gere, she was inducted into the Vampire Cult by him at a recent AIDS benefit for truck drivers, much to the shock of many devout Hindu's.

[edit] Career Beyond Film

She has judged various television competitions and has also starred in the BBC World Service Trust's campaign against Aids (The Keep Aids In India - Lets Not Spread It West Campaign).

Last year, she received hundreds of marriage proposals on the e-mail address she made public to interact with her fans. Who the hell thought that she'd say yes?

"I really don't know when I will get married and to be honest, I haven't found the perfect (white) man yet, " she told the BBC at the time. She has been romantically linked to actor Akshay Kumar in the past, however a strict Indian, his continual beatings, drunkeness, and mothers continual presence, led to the relationship ending (she is on the run). Since then she has reportedly been single and remains in hiding, however has recently been seen in a safe house in London. In 2000, Shetty successfully sued Stardust India magazine after it ran a piece about her relationship with Kumar. She took legal action as she thought it was accurate which is illegal in India, if you are a film star.

When it was revealed she would be taking part in Celebrity Big Brother, there was tremendous curiosity in India. Not just because of the format of the programme and its reputation, but also for the huge amount of money she was paid for her appearance. In India, it is rumoured the actress will pocket £150 ($5000000).

Shetty sometimes hides in Mumbai with her parents and younger sister, Shamita, who is also a curry house owner. Her mother, Sunanda Shetty, claims her daughter's trip to the UK to appear in Big Brother is the first time she has ever travelled anywhere without her entire family, local neighbours, business agents, and 500 strong dance team on standbye if she is given a part in a musical.

Now appearing in Wonder Woman the Musical as Wonder Woman (written by Andrew Lloyd Webber).

[edit] Celebrity Big Brother

After deciding to make millions of pounds by degrading herself on national TV (I'd do it for that amount of money, so I'm not judging), she found herself face to face with what is known in Britain as a "fat, racist, ignorant waste of space". Jade Goody (winner of the Thickest Person In The World Contest 2003, 2004, 2006 and 2007) made everyone in Britain realise that stupidity is our country's chief problem. Jade Goody couldn't think her way out from underneath a duvet. One interesting occurrence in the programme (and possibly the only interesting thing to have ever happened in any of its several series) was Jade and her mother's accusation that Shilpa eats her food with her fingers. Jade and her mother, of course, ALWAYS use a knife and fork when shovelling doner kebab into their fat muzzles on the way home from the pub.

Channel 4 are now to make a follow-up reality show called Celebrity Catfight to capitalise on the tensions between Jade and Shilpa, this has appeased world opinion as everyone knows that Shilpa at 5 foot 10" and with a Black Belt in Karate would turn Jade into catfood, except for Jade who thinks that Karate is the art of folding paper into 3D shapes.

Eventually, on the afternoon of the final, Iraqi bombers Hilpa Hetty and Paki Forevz threatened Britain with thumbtack bombs - and killer chickens. They said that if Shilpa Poppadom didn't win, they would bring doom to the world, and even said they would kill Oscar Wilde and his brother, Kim Jong Il. Shilpa won the show.

[edit] WWF

Capitalising on her Karate skills and great notoriety, she switched in 2007 to WWF. The nice one who ends up kicking ass. After Sable and Tori went to bitchslap her, eventually she knocked them down and sat on them and all were best of friends, and everyone was happy.

Now she plans to take on Chuck Norris, and later wants to rule the world

[edit] Shilpa's Poppadoms

Possibly the most delectable in Bollywood. Fnurk, fnurk.

[edit] Shilpa vs. Jade Goody

[edit] Marriage

In 2007 Shilpa Shetty married George Bush. George Bush is no longer allowed to keep the surname 'Bush', Due to him not being a Bush but a Shit, So he was renamed George Shitty, And Shilpa is now called Shilpa Shitty. George met Shilpa when he performed surprise buttsecks on her.

Laura Bush wasn't very happy about it, she and Shilpa had a fight about it on the White House Lawn, or rather Shipla just sat on Laura and explained her philosophy of non-violence, Laura though had an emergency call to rush to open some new schools and so had to leave, later Laura married Richard Gere and now she and Shilpa are best of friends again.

[edit] Politics

After a long and arduos Bollywood career, Shilpa Shetty left acting in 2014 to become a Labour MP for the Outer Hebrides - remarkably immediately becoming Chancellor of the Exchequer in the post election reshuffle. BBC3 was entirely given over to producing crossover films with huge Treasury funding.

In April 2017, she announced her candidacy for the Labour leadership following Gordon Brown's impending retirement - Labour MP's almost all declared she was God and she was selected unopposed except for Michael Meacher who still had a faint hope of becoming Labour leader. Thus becoming both the youngest ever woman PM and the first Indian British PM on 21 June 2017.

Immediately she set up a new Department of Bollywood, and a new Ministry of Love was established too - the nation idolised her and in 2019 Labour won an absolute majority with 90% of the vote.

Shilpa was able to implement a new Welfare programme, Love on the Dole in which out of work people got not just benefits, but hugs and kisses and chocolate too!

The Conservative Party desperate for power then endorsed her as it's own candidate for PM, thus they were able to claim that they had returned to government.

In 2024 Labour retained it's absolute majority winning 97.567% of the vote, the capital of the UK was shifted to Bournville and the UK switched it's main industries to producing chocolate bunnies, perfume and Jos sticks.

However the public mood was starting to change, the Conservatives had revitalised and picked a leader - Priti Patel who took a more traditional hang em and flog em line, withdraw from the EU and wanted a return to the glorious days of the 1980's, in the 2029 General Election Shilpa's Vote for Squeaky Toys campaign didn't go down nearly so well with Labour going down to 48% of the vote, the Conservatives on 42% and Labour's majority down to 100. At this point Shilpa decided to move on to new things

She announced her retirement on the 15th anniversary of her candidacy standing down as Labour leader and on 21 June 2032 stood down as Prime Minister.

Immediately she was much in demand including to return to acting, but became Secretary General of the United Nations, a position she held for 10 years.

Following changes in the US Constitution allowing non resident non US Citizens to run for the Presidency she stood down as UN Secretary General at the age of 66 and started her campaign for the Presidency, acted for the Democrat Party she won a landslide victory in the October 2044 and remained President after the 2048 election too - showering the world in chocolate and love.

Shortly after this she was able to return to India to be their Prime Minister from 2048 to 2068 and then President until 2071.

[edit] Death and Reincarnation

In 2076 she finally died, a world hero. But this was not the end, a light appeared from heaven and came down and transformed her into the appearance of a 20 year old and brought her back to life.

Since this she has resumed her acting career and on 17 August 2077 married one of Abisheck Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan's Great Great Grandsons - they have 3 daughters, 2 sons and a couple of Gerbils together.

[edit] See Also

• India
• Fools
• Menstruation