Shimon Peres

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As the world's oldest professional soccer player, Peres secretly worried about his knobbly knees showing in his team's uniform shorts.

A former soccer player turned politician, Shimon Peres is not well known for his intellect, but rather bullies other politicians around. Ever since he was red-carded for breaking another player's legs during the notorious Oslo Games, Peres' aggressiveness has made him something of a national laughingstock. Israel's Eretz Nehederet television show (a comedy show similar to SNL) frequently parodies Peres knocking down unsuspecting Palestinian soccer players, with whom he is supposedly playing peace games. In Israel today, knocking someone down accidentally is known as pulling a Peres. FIFA officials joked about presenting him with an award for Most Violent Player. Eventually Peres was permanently banned from soccer for poor sportsmanship.

Although Peres claims to be the world's oldest professional soccer player, former British Labour Party leader Michael Foot is still playing on the wing for Plymouth Argyle at the age of 302, and has threatened to give Peres a bloody thrashing with his walking stick next time he sees him unless he shuts his fat mouth up.

Peres also enjoyed a successful career as a Hollywood actress under the name Lauren Bacall.

[edit] Peres Piece Center

Upon leaving professional sports, Peres founded a rather unusual gun club. Upon entering the club, a member gives up his coat and is handed his "piece", which he returns before leaving. The club boasts fine dining, a five-star shooting range and the city's only strip bar. A kind of Israeli Hugh Heffner, Peres is often seen about the club with young half-dressed babes on either arm.

[edit] P3: Peres Plays at Politics

You may laugh that Israelis elected a soccer player to Kinnesset, but at least they didn't elect a two-bit actor. Yet, in point of fact, Peres may still have a promising acting career ahead of him, should he ever decide to give up politics. Or if he's booted from the field yet again, whichever comes first. Still a fireball of confidence and charisma, Peres rapidly pushed his way to the top, receiving several top posts in government. Currently, Peres is serving as Minister of Defense. Ironically, he is now being considered for a new position Special Ambassador for Peace Affairs in future negotiations with Arabs.