Shithead McFuck
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“Ladies and gentlemen, I have something important to say. I am sorry for the heinous crimes I have committed. I sympathize with the families of the victims. If I had a chance to do it again, I would choose not to. I have so much guilt inside of me. I only hope you can forgive me, for in death, I wish to experience new life.”
~ Shithead McFuck on himself
“What the fuck was that? You killed one guy who didn't even have a family!”
~ Quentin Tarantula on Shithead McFuck
“The way I hear it, Shithead is some kind of butcher. A peerless, psycho, fucked-up butcher.”
~ Fenster on Shithead McFuck
“Nobody fucks up with Shithead McFuck!! Or you're fucked!!”
~ Liquid Snake on Shithead McFuck
Some people think Shithead McFuck doesn't exist. Well I'm here to tell you that he does. He's the kind of man who gangsters threaten their children with. "Rat on your pop, and Shithead McFuck will get you." The greatest trick Shithead ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone.
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[edit] Birth
The McFucks, Mark and Maria, were simple folk. They were married and lived life happily on a farm outside the city limits. But one day, Maria found that she was pregnant. She and Mark named the child Chuck.
Chuck McFuck was first called Shithead in school. The kids in school would constantly pick on him and beat him up, yelling his nickname at him as they threw dirt in his face. Before long, the nickname caught on to everyone that Chuck knew. Even his parents started calling him Shithead. When he graduated school, no employer wanted to hire a man named Shithead. Chuck found himself jobless.
[edit] First Job
Chuck...er Shithead...yeah right about now he started calling himself Shithead. Shithead was desperate trying to find work but he just couldn't. Luck itself seemed to guide him to his first job aboard the Blue Submarine. He saw a poster for the famous submarine on a pole by the very docks where it was being held. Shithead entered and applied for a job. Since the submarine wasn't fully finished, Shithead had time to relax (pronounced "paid vacation"). He met the other six members of the Blue Submarine and befriended the crew.
[edit] Life Aboard the Blue Submarine
Life on the submarine was no picnic. This was probably because picnics take place in grassy areas that don't exist on submarines. Shithead was an average working man but after the war involving the entire planet's bodies of water against the submarine, Shithead was tired of all this shit. He was tired of taking shit from anybody and everybody. He became an anti-shit activist. After a very brief time protesting shit, Shithead just plain stopped. When asked why his anti-shit protests lasted so shortly, he replied "I got tired of that shit."
[edit] After the Submarine
After the crew of the Blue Submarine split, Shithead found himself without a job yet again. So he took the easy way out and turned to crime. He founded The Dirty Dozen, a crime gang fulla mugs. He was the leader. The other eleven members were Assface Malloy, Burger n Fries, Murdero Spigliatardi, Franky the Frankfurter, Cop Killa, Dakota Soggybottoms, Vito the Fagbag, and the Von Mussolini Quadruplets. This group of gangsters took Old York by storm.
[edit] Notorious Crimes of the Dozen
The Dozen were guilty of a huge assortment of crimes. As leader, Shithead didn't do many of the crimes himself. The main killers were Burger, Murdero, Franky, Cop, and Dakota. Vito and the Von Mussolinis were in charge of the selling of illegal goods. Assface was an expert in kickbacks. He had everything from cops to courts in the palm of his hand. Shithead, as leader, used the Dozen to wreak revenge against those who picked on him as a child. He had the people who picked on him murdered. He had their families murdered. He had people who owed them money murdered. Then he drank some root beer flavored ice cream and laughed.
[edit] Breakup of the Dozen
The Dirty Dozen were good but not great. Actually, they were great but not invincible. One day, while Burger was out cutting the nuts off a junkie who hadn't been keeping his payments, he was arrested by the police. Afraid that Burger would talk, the other members of the Dozen called a brief recess of their crimes. They would split up and go into hiding. They would reunite at a later date when these problems all blew over.
[edit] Fleeing to the Farm
Shithead fled to a farm where no one in their right minds would search for him. He lived off the land, growing his own food and not needing any outside contact. Life was good until the Great Shit Epidemic broke out.
[edit] Life During the Epidemic
Shithead's wonderful life died when the epidemic reached his farm. Shithead saw the shit travelling toward his home from afar. As the shit got closer and closer, Shithead got more and more worried. Finally, his home turned to shit and his life was ruined. Farming was impossible and Shithead was starving before long. He dug in shit all day trying to find his computer. When he finally did he looked up the sources for the epidemic. The man behind the shit was none other than Joe Shit the Rag Man.
[edit] Successful Assassination
Shithead travelled to the homeless city where Joe Shit resided. He took his knife with him. While Joe was urinating in some bushes (on live television), Shithead attempted to cut off his penis. Joe, who suffered from penis dystrophy, had a much shorter wang than Shithead had expected. In a rage, Shithead, stabbed Joe in the heart, killing him instantly. He was arrested on the spot.
[edit] Trial and Execution
Shithead was found guilty of first degree murder. His involvement in the Dirty Dozen was brought to light, but was later dismissed. The judge, upon receiving the guilty verdict, was also receiving head from a hooker beneath his bench. This caused him to mumble some strange words. People thought he said "I sentence you to being drawn and quartered." So Shithead was. His last words were "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! My arms! My legs! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!". Then he was dead.
[edit] Legacy
Shithead McFuck is often remembered either in a somewhat positive light, or a heavily negative light. He is sometimes remembered lovingly for his work on the Blue Submarine. But this love is replaced with hate when people remember his evil ways in the Dirty Dozen and especially his assassination of Joe Shit the Rag Man. Overall, he is considered to be a jackass. Or better yet, a shithead.
[edit] Cinema
A movie about the Dirty Dozen was made, titled "The Dirty Dozen". Ted Bundy played the role of Shithead McFuck.
