Shoes

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THIS ARTICLE IS IMELDIFIC! If Imelda Marcos's husband can't use Martial Law to buy her this article, then she'll just STEAL it instead. (She'll probably cut off your feet and steal your shoes, too. She can do that, you know--she's the Queen, after all.)

Hell: 123456789 B.C. Demoniac scientists were working on a weapon to use against the Christians. This research led them to create the most dangerous and common parasite on the face of the Earth: the shoe.

[edit] Description

Shoes have many breeds and types. It's almost impossible to identify them all. The common appearance of a shoe is a shoe-shaped body, about four to seven inches tall. The common "sneaker" breed of shoe (exculsively bred in China) always has two long stringy things on the front. While fools have dubbed these as "shoelaces," they are actually the sneaker's antennae. Some antennae-less shoes sneakers have been discovered. These were foolishly dubbed "slip-ons". Hilarious. There are also sandals, flip-flops, boots, high-heels, clown shoes and many more.

[edit] History

Many people have never learned the truth about shoes. Maybe that's why I can hear you saying "Bullshit!" to your computer screen right now. But I'm telling you the truth. The early parasite was dubbed "moccasin" by its supporters and was "worn" commonly. In the last thousand years or so, most people were not even aware that the shoes were slowly devouring them. Word.

Did you Know that Heem Teo has 3 pairs of exploding shoes?

[edit] Diet and Feeding Habits

The common shoe almost exclusively feeds on the feet of humans. About 98.1% of humans with feet will at some point be victimized by this terrible parasite. While smaller shoe "nymphs" feed on the feet of babies and toddlers, largers shoes feed on (naturally) larger feet. Since most people are unaware of their parasitic state, they go out and by new shoes when the ones that have been feeding on them are "worn out", although this actually means the adult shoe has reached its mature age and will soon die.

The most victimized organism by this parasite is women. The shoes secrete some unknown pheramone that makes women want to buy more shoes until she has 50 pairs sitting in her closet. She has just unknowingly set up a Shoe Den.

[edit] Breeding

Almost all shoes are bred in large "shoe farms" in China. Most of the time, these shoe farmers are forced at gun point to breed these beasts; it has been theorized that China is using the parasite to slowly take over the world. All shoes will find a "partner shoe" to feed with, and these shoes always look alike. In order to breed, shoes must live off of the most repulsive feet ever. So wash your damn feet. Once they find repulsive smelling feet, the antennae (or the sole, if antennae are not available) will stem off to form a new shoe nymph. this shoe will live off of babies and small children until it is full grown and ready to consume adult feet.

[edit] Precautions

While many believe socks were invented to keep shoes clean, they are actually a preventive measure to protect humans' feet from disitegration. Always wear socks when wearing shoes. Eventually however, the Boot will be able to overcome this obstacle, so beware.

[edit] Invasion, Infestation, and the farting of Apple, Inc.

On some fucking day at some fucken time, Apple's new product, the iPhone, was attacked by some hackerz which caused catastrophic disaster. Soon after, all iPod product lines stopped and all running iMacs burned. Because of this, Apple gave up and went to Soviet Russia, because in Soviet Russia, YOU fuck up the iPhone.

The reason for this was very clear: the hackerz that did it used shoes.

“Why THE FUCKIN HELL is that part here? Why is this quote even here?”

~ Oscar Wilde on some stupid article that doesn't exist