Shorts

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“In this day and age, there is nowhere I wouldn't go without not checking if there was (preferably) a Marks and Spencers in the area of which i was going as to buy shorts for the time i was there. But obviously I wouldn't throw them away afterward, that would be an act of ridicule, it is simply a phrasing of speech as you may say.”

~ Rio Ferdinand on Shorts

“Every woman instinctively craves the largest penis she can find. This is science.”

~ Miss Iles on penis

“I like shorts, they're comfy and easy to wear!”

~ Random Pokemon Trainer on Shorts

Shorts (clothing item) was invented in the early weeks of 2003 by a man better known by the name 'Terry Shorts (clothing item)'. Born with a relatively uncommon name (from a dutch-carribbean island), he was recruited into the army. After the army, he met Patrick Swayze and together they ran a shrimping business (in the days when Swayze was still invalid). After Swayze's dramatic melon-related death in the winter of 2001, Terry hit the bottom of the bottle and resorted to running a pasta factory with a man named 'Kikino'. The factory produced chicken at such at rate that unfortunately it imploded just before 2002.

After all of the mayhem he settled down with a brave idea. He had seen trousers, and when i say seen, i mean seen. He was bored of the trousers he had seen and set about making up a whole plethora of brave new leg-wear. Failed attempts included the ankle swinger, drainpipe and then the drainpipe ankle swinger. Then, after he undressed a small boy and put the boys clothes upon himself, he realised that in the smallness of the boys trousers he had discovered the short(s). He opted not to name them after himself, and instead named them after their striking 'short' appearance.

“Shorts (clothing item) are best when being taken off by a young boy”

~ Michael Jackson on shorts (clothing item)

[edit] The pistachio years

Many doubted his sanity when he announced he was going to be making shorts solely out of (salted) pistachio nuts. In fact, many say that this was his fall from grace. Many skeptics say he had discovered the shorts by luck and pistachio shorts were a stupid idea. Many neutrals say he was going mad in his later years and the pistachio shorts were a stupid idea. Many doctors said that the madness was caused by too much sex with children and that pistachio shorts were a stupid idea.

It was a huge hit in Holland, where they still wear them today, but failed to ever even be heard of anywhere else. So, in 2004, he hung up his pistachio boots, and threw in the pistachio towel. He went to live in Jersey, where it is believed he is not dead. It was the plight of a hero for many, and a sad day for the world. He has since gone missing, but occasional reports of a man rolling about in a giant pistachio shell in Jersey keep up the speculation.

“Pistachios are best when being used seductively by a young boy”

- Michael Jackson. 'Extract from his new book - How to get the best from a nut.