Shuddy

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“A man who does not own at least one shuddy is no man at all”

~ Oscar Wilde on Shuddies

“Shuddy muthafucka! Do you wear it?”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Shuddies

“In Soviet Russia, Shuddy wears YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Shuddies

Shuddy means underwear in Malayalam. It is also pronounced and written as Chuddi, Chuddy, or Jeddi (not to be confused with Jedi, although a Jedi may wear a Jeddi).

The Shuddy was invented in the Garden of Eden thousands of years ago (despite what the damn Evolutionists say!) by Adam and Eve. After having tasted the forbidden fruit, both were suddenly aware of their nakedness. This made them rather fiesty and they biblically "knew" each-other all through the morning and the night of the 14th day (this is why February 14th is International Knowing Each-other Day). The next day the Almighty God called Adam and Eve for a little tea-party. A little ashamed, Adam and Eve showed up. Adam had succeeded in creating the first Shuddy out of leaves. Eve's was a sexy two-piece number with at most one-leaf covering each naughty bit. The Good Lord Our God was angry that Adam now knew the Sacred Knowledge of the Shuddy. He thus banished them from Paradise. The sexual attraction that men feel today when they hear that a woman is wearing no underwear stems from what Adam felt when he first realized that Eve was naked. But that is another story.

Another school of thought believes that the Shuddy was actually created by the FSM. In fact, here is an extract from their Holy Book, "His Sacred Recipes":

And his Lord recognized the need to cover the nakedness of Man. His noodly appendage sprung forth from the heavens and knitt'd a Shuddy of the finest quality. And Lo! Man's nakedness was cover'd and Man was happy! -- Alfredo 4:20

[edit] Shuddies through the Ages

Shuddies have taken many forms through the ages. From humble beginnings, they have evolved into a multitude of forms with a multitude of purposes.

[edit] The First Age of Shuddies

The first Shuddies were simply made of leaves. This period was a time of great openness and also a lot of "biblically knowing each-other", mainly due to the skimpy shuddies worn by the women of the time. Sadly, this Golden Age of Leafy Shuddies and Knowledge of Each-other was not to last. The Earth was invaded by an alien race called the Puritanicals who enforced their Puritanical views on Mankind. As a result, the wonderful leafy Shuddy made way for the Long Underwear. The Puritanicals left to go fuck up some other world, but their ideas remained on Earth. All was not lost however. There were rebel groups who wanted to go back to the old days of leafy shuddies or perhaps even try out some new ideas. These people left New England (The place where the Puritanicals landed first. People there still wear long underwear to this day!) and spread out all over the world.

[edit] The Shuddy Diaspora and succeeding diversification of Shuddies

Over the next few hundred years, many different kinds of Shuddies came into existence. Leaves were still used, but their use was restricted to tribal people (like people in Canada). After Sir Isaac Newton invented Cloth in the year 500 AD, the evolution of Shuddies took a quantum leap. The first form of the cloth Shuddy was the "Tightey-Whitey". This shuddy is extremely tight and white like the name implies, although it can be stained brown and yellow with frequent use. It may also be torn. Torn Shuddies, though very funny, are frowned upon. However, there is a movement that advocates the wearing of Torn Shuddies as a form of rebellion. But I digress. The Tightey-Whitey continues to this day. It is one of the most popular shuddies. In India, a company called "TT Underwear! TT Baniyan!" is the foremost producer of the Tightey-Whitey series. Their ad campaign features a Macho Man just wearing a Shuddy. He is known as the Tightey-Whitey Shuddy Man, or simply, Shuddy Man. In India there is also another form of shuddy called the Konam. Besides being funny, it is also a last resort. Sometimes you may run out of shuddies, in that case, a tight little cloth wrapped around your crotch would suffice. This is known as a konam. Mostly midgets and little children in India wear Konams.

During the Feminist movement of the 1990's, Women Advocated "Equality in Designing Shuddies". Previously, Shuddies had been made by men. Men, being unimaginative and boorish, gave women only cotton shuddies. These weren't very attractive. Following their successful movement, Women took over the making of Shuddies for women. It is precisely due to this that the "Panty" was invented. Men were amazed and dumbfounded. Women had succeeded in capturing the sexiness of Eve's leafy underwear in the incaration of the cotton panty. But that wasn't all. Starting with the Cotton Panty, they went on to invent the high-cut cotton panty, the bikini panty, and with Albert Einstein's invention of Lace in the year 1994, they went on to make Lacy Underwear. Following Stephen Hawking's expositions on String Theory, women combined a normal shuddy with a g-string to create the Thong. Soon there were all kinds of thongs, even lacy kinds. Men like it when women wear lacy underwear and thongs and such. Currently all women's underwear is produced by an intergalactic corporation known as Victoria's Secret. When Women die, they don't die. Their brains are removed and taken to the Victoria's Secret Brain Bank where they indulge in everlasting gossip and tea-parties and come up with ideas for new shuddies. This is how Victoria's Secret Remains Strong.

[edit] The Final Age of Shuddies

The Final Age of Shuddies has been talked about in many religious texts. In this age, Man and Shuddy become one. The dichotomy is dissolved as consciousnesses collide. Shuddy and Man become one supreme concept. Man leaves the shackles of his birth-planet behind, to travel, wearing his shuddy, and an extra shuddy in his hand, to the stars. Woah... man I need to stop smoking so much weed!

[edit] Going Commando

Sometimes people don't wear shuddies at all. This is known as "Going Commando". People "going commando" today don't understand the historical significance of this term. During the Vietnam War, a lot of American Soldiers were involved in fighting a man named Charlie. Charlie was the Vietnamese's best weapon. Charlie could be in more places than one at the same time. He was the Vietnamese version of Chuck Norris, but half as strong. However, since Chuck Norris was in a Galaxy Far, Far, Away fighting the Emperor Palpatine while simultaneously "knowing" (snicker, snicker) Princess Leia, he could not come back and help the Americans. Charlie's greatest weapon was "The Wedgie". In fact, this weapon, used by school bullies to this day, is the ultimate weapon of humiliation. Charlie would use Gorilla Tactics. Jumping down from trees and throwing leaves and thumping his fists loudly. He would then mock charge and then run back into the trees. As the Americans were looking into the tree-tops, Charlie would sneak behind them and give them all wedgies. The average time it took a new Second Lieutenant dropped in a hot LZ to receive a wedgie from Charlie was 16 minutes. This fact was highlighted by Tommy Lee Jones in the movie Rules of Engagement when he represented Samuel L. Jackson in a case where he threw burning shuddies at a large group of Yemeni Nationals. Anyway, due to the large amount of wedgies, the American Soldiers (especially Special Forces Commandoes) stopped wearing shuddies. This is how the term Going Commando came into existence. At the end of the war, Chuck Norris came back and defeated Charlie. He was able to do this with the help of Tina Fey. Tina Fey showed up completely naked except for a lacy shuddy. Her amazing nakedness and sexiness reduced Charlie to a quivering heap. Chuck Norris was able to defeat Charlie with ease! He made him parade the streets wearing his shuddy on his head. This is how America won the Vietnam War.

[edit] Shuddy, Humor, and Psychology

A shuddy can generally be humorous. In fact, it is hilarious when people walk around only wearing shuddies. Usually people do this in the comfort of their own home, but rarely in public. Although there are people who do enjoy the act of walking freely in public, simply wearing a shuddy. Little children usually do this, but they don't know any better. Stupid kids. Shuddies are also feature in psychology. In his pioneering book Shuddies and the Human Psyche, Sigmund Freud talks about the recurring dreams people have, where everyone is fully clothed, except the dreamer, who is wearing a shuddy. Sometimes, the dreamer shows up for an exam unprepared, only wearing a shuddy. Freud says that this stems from the refusal of the dreamer's mother to buy him or her shuddies when they were young. Debate still rages on this topic.

[edit] Shuddies Today

Today, a shuddy is an essential part of any human being's wardrobe. The shuddy business is booming and a lot of money is being made. The Surgeon General says that everyone should have at least 7 shuddies; one for each day. The recommended weekly allowance of shuddies is 9, so that you can have two emergency pairs.