Simon Cowell

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“What a poorly made article, just terrible. Sorry.”

~ Simon Cowell on this article

“Used him, abused him and "Brokeaway" from him.”

~ Kelly Clarkson on Simon Cowell

“SCIENCE!!”

~ Simon Cowell on his career

“That, was... just.. pathetic!! Really, what was THAT? I mean, come ON....”

~ Simon Cowell on his wife's attempt to get him aroused

“Simon Cowell has boobs”

~ Captain Obvious on Simon Cowell's sexuality.

Contents 1 Early childhood 2 Simon leaves home. 3 Wedding 4 After idol 5 Starting Anew 6 The S-Factor 7 Fashion sense 8 Did You Know...

[edit] Early childhood

Simon Cowell's parents were simply appaling. every day they would rape him a3:00 and 4:00 then they would push him in a boiling pot of melted steel. They were just terrible, I mean honestly, did they really think that they could raise a well-adjusted child to grow up in the world and have a healthy normal life? Of course they couldn't: They did a substandard job on a substandard child. Great job, losers. Now leave.

Simon himself was an abysmal child, who's favourite hobby was reading a Thesaurus of insults,(in other words, he is JEWISH!!!) a simply bad birthday present given to him by some joke of an uncle. He discovered his "Skill" at insulting people the first time he went to see his least favourite movie, "Planet of the Elevator Hoedown: Leisure suit Karaoke Nightmare". He was an idiot of an audience member: He didn't boo, he didn't throw things at the screen, and he didn't laugh or cry. I give him 4 stars.

But much to everyone's dismay, his review of it got into the local paper, and cemented his position as a hollywood no-talent hack, destined to have poorly-written comedy articles about him all over the internet, written by greasy teenagers who haven't got the courage to ask any women (possibly because they'd rather ask out men) out, and play halo and counterstrike. Simply ridiculous that someone as talentless as him should get a record deal such as this.3 THUMBS DOWN(If you are a boy).

[edit] Simon leaves home.

Simon left home at the tender age 34, and finally got the courage to movet to Hollywood, to live out his dream of being a sub-human who delivers substandard insults on a substandard network for a substandard show. Far from being charming and british, his attitude left many of the other judges depressed and suicidal. (Randy Jackson only pretends it was stomach stapling: It was really a poorly done suicide attempt to force him to regurgitate his organs).

[edit] Wedding

This man came not to audition, but to marry Simon, his true love. Simon, desperately trying to get away from Paula, actually accepts!! Ryan Seacreast acted as the ring-bearer/flower-girl.

Sadly, Paula kills him in a duel the next day. Randy's "dogs" chew on his corpse.

[edit] After idol

After a cat-fight with Paula Abdul, Simon was deported for a producing such a low-quality catfight, which made many viewers want to wretch. After a simply horrendous deportation process, he was driven in a poorly-made vehicle to the british home for critical cads, a rehab center so horrible, many of the atendees spleens turned into massive leeches and destroyed their internal organs afterwards.

Soon, Simon was rehabilitated in way that was SO BORING, those hollywood zombie hacks who try to run networks but fail miserably in ways that disgust me, just HAD to make a reality series of it. And so, Simon's terrible time in rehab led to a terrible time in television, when he made his comeback.

[edit] Starting Anew

Under his new name, Simon started in the music buzz. He quickly became known for being an arse, insulting people that don't sing well, and killing babies. After many years working God came to him with a idea. That idea was American Idol. Now Simon is hated by the world for his doings on the show (while secretly being loved by all).

As a homage to Simon Cowell, all pop music moguls are ritually Simonized. Simon's real name is actually Tolula.

[edit] The S-Factor

Recently, Simon Cowell has been involved in a show called S-Factor. The "S" supposedly stands for sexually confused, and as it is clearly his show, the other judges just have to go along with what he says. Other people think that the S stands for the four letter word shit which begins with an s and ends in hit. But whatever the name stands for, the S-Factor has achieved a lot. It has brought the dream of becoming a pop star to people who can't sing. Simon's one contribution to society is that he turns most of them away, doing the world a favor by telling them they cannot sing in the most derogative manner possible, but doing the world a great diservice by appearing on television.. Simon is able to do this because of his vast skill and knowledge in identifying such popular music acts as "Crazy Frog" and "Helicopter grizzly bears vs. capcom", making him the least popular human-being on the planet..

Unfortunately, however, someone has to win a record contract on the show, so one of the least rubbish (Which is an extremely gross understatement) is chosen and with the aid of magic boxes and imps (or maybe computers, we're not sure), their voice is modified and enhanced to a level so that it no longer sounds like a drunk, tone-deaf koala that just fell 40 meters out of a tree. When the single is finally released, there is so much hype about it that all 20 people who are going to buy it do so in the first week. It will not be in the charts for a second week, however, and soon the "singer" is back at Tesco stacking shelves.

[edit] Fashion sense

Simon Cowell wears clothes. He wears shirts that say I'm the right girl to fuck all night in a bathroom. He wears high heels from a used clothing store.

[edit] Did You Know...

• That Simon believes that you are a cancerous pollup on the anus of the pathetic mortal race known as humanity and he wishes nothing except for your imminent and excruciatingly painful death?
• That Simon's name is Simon.
• That Simon also wishes that fate on himself because he believes the same thing about himself?
• That Simon's career was forged using naught but SCIENCE!
• That this article is over?
• That Simon does not wear boxers but in fact actually wears diapers and paula changes them?
• That you suck!
• That if you are reading this you will be gay in seven days or, you have to pass this around to 10 people or else you will be gay SEREUOSIOSLY!!!