Simon Fraser University
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“Why the fuck is there so much bloody concrete up here? And why is level 3 actually level 2, level 1 actually level 3, but there's no level 4? WHY CAN'T I FIND LEVEL 4!?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Simon Fraser University
Simon Fraser University is the only university considered by the UN as a location unfit to house about-to-be slaughtered animals or solitarily confined students awaiting torture in the electo-shock room of the Saudi Arabian Military Police Academy's dungeon for torturing students with a "Concentration in Middle East Studies." This longwinded title of unfitness stems from the Red Cross's longwinded criticisms that the school contains more concrete structures per capita than a super-maximum security prison, more Renaissance coffee shops than a downtown Seattle street has Starbucks, compulsory umbrella ownership, has 1st year suicide missions such as finding your course in the RCB or the 4th level of the AQ to weed out the weaker students, and being completely isolated from all civilization atop a cold and constantly fogged over mountain only accessible by overcrowded public transit travelling at a maximum of 15km/h. These conditions have led the Red Cross to state SFU as the harshest learning environment in the world.
The International Association of Economic Planning Counsellors has also seen fit to warn high school students or international students wishing to transfer to SFU that living as a dirt farmer in Niger, Africa for four years is a much better life decision than receiving a Bachelor's Degree from Simon Fraser. The only advantage of Simon Fraser, according to the United States Military, is that SFU is the only post-secondary institution on the planet that could withstand a 100 Megatonne Nuclear blast due to the sheer amount of re-enforced concrete. Growing tensions between the "Simon Fraser Political Action Club Against Animal Testing, Non-Vegans, Staplers and Nuclear Weapons" and the "MIT Club for Testing Nuclear Explosions on Unsuspecting Canadian Universities" may see this advantage realized in the near future.
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[edit] Academics
Everyone at Simon Fraser knows they are a cut above the losers at Kwantlen University-College, yet are still concerned that the excess concrete affects their academic standing in relation to other local post-secondary institutions. The majority of mental health organizations consider that Simon Fraser students have lethal amounts of concrete traces in their brain tissue, the second most common cause of writer's block. This health issued, when compared to the population at UBC, which has an academic program that screams "Made FOR China," is mild considering UBC's insanity issues. UBC students have been diagnosed as being delusional about their supposedly more powerful intellects, and are actually idiots who are being tested to see if being repetitively told they are smart actually increases idiot functionality in society by the Canadian Mental Retardation Study Board. When SFU academics is compared to UVic academics, we see how the social problems of the Uvic students needing to move to a large Island away from their abusive homes has allowed UVic students to surpass SFU in academic standing. As all students at Uvic are from the mainland and are considered "abused, neglected or have severe independence complexes," UVic's ability to separate their socially retarded students from their problems increases academic effiency.
The Criminology Department at Simon Fraser is considered groundbreaking and a leader in North America. Criminology students and professors at SFU are checked for a criminal record before admission in order to maintain the prestige of that department. Experience is a must in this world of competitive criminal deviance, and if an applicant does not have a criminal record more than 10 pages in length they are declined. Their Criminal Record must include at least 5 indictable offences, and include one conviction of either: first degree murder, arson, hamster tossing without a permit, or urinating in a police car whilst shitfaced to distract the officer patting down your buddy for marijuana from noticing the tied up prostitute kicking and screaming in the trunk of your car (currently the most common crimal offence in Canada).
[edit] Drinking
Drinking 100 at Simon Fraser University is considered to be a 3-Credit Course. It is a prerequisite to all other courses in the Department of Alcohol Consumption, and necessary for entrance to the Faculty of Applied Drinking Games, or for a major or minor in the Department of Philosophy or Department of Psychology. It cannot be passed without students failing 5 random sobriety tests administered throughout the semester. Midterms in this unique course consist of surviving an instance of near-alcohol-poisoning, the professor has control over how the instance occurs, most preferring to make students down a 26 of rum in 5 minutes. The few students left after the experience of the midterm usually pass the final, which consists of incorperating the professor's peculiar traits in strange lecture habits into a drinking game - which then is graded on: hilariousness, proper use of the most habits and traits of the professor, and the level of intoxication after 30minutes of play. With all other classes at Simon Fraser outside the Department of Alcohol Consumption and Faculty of Applied Drinking Games being considered "Sober Courses," the required state of constant intoxication has caused problems with the more idealistic students wishing to be "successful" in life.
[edit] Clubs
Clubs at SFU are 100% Christ-Approved. All 50 clubs at Simon Fraser require membership to at least 3 local churches and direct permission from God, Jesus and 3 crazy televangelists to get in. There are many business clubs and Asian clubs at Simon Fraser (there are also a few Asian-Business clubs), but all are still Christian. Even the Atheist, Muslim, Jewish and other kooky religious clubs are nominally Christian Clubs. Religious Fundies afraid of leaving private school and going into the big, bad Secular world seem to flock to these clubs. But even the "Big, Bad Secular World Club of Cynics" considers Christ their LORD and SAVIOR. Praise Jesus! Amen.
There was once a film club that went underground in 2007 following UN investigations into the numerous erotic snuff films and prisoner beheading videos that were openly produced by the studio.
[edit] Athletics
SFU has a football team that despite its wellknown and constant failures, no one even sees play. All the football players still wear their sweatsuits, and often their helmets, around campus for the sole purpose of getting laid. Simon Fraser Swimmers have "Speedo" backpacks, for obvious reasons (to hold their "Speedo" swimsuits! Jesus, Duh.), but sadly their Olympic-sized pool has been concreted in and replaced with another Renaissance coffee shop. They now practice in Reflection Pond. The SFU cricket team found success last year as the 2005 Canadian University Cricket champions. Being the only university cricket team in Canada, they won by merely playing with themelves during the championship match.
[edit] Other Tidbits of Info
During the run-up the 2010 Winter Olympics, the ad-hoc committee formed to pull as much money as possible from the public trough organize it considered this local for its evil lair headquarters, but seeing as who Dr. Evil already had his Asia-Pacific Division there, used the Erickson House, located in West Vancouver.
[edit] Satellite Campuses
SFU has 2 other campuses besides the isolated Burnaby Mountain Campus.
SFU Harbour Centre is a building that houses nothing but mature students studinging gerontology so they know what the fuck is going on when they are put into a home, start dying, are put into a hospital, continue dying, and are finally killed in their sleep in order to be mashed up and made into re-enforcing goo for the building of more concrete structures on the Burnaby Mountain Campus.
SFU Surrey is located in the middle of most degenerated shit-hole known to man: Whalley. Towering above the cesspool of drug addicts, mentally retarded janitors and prostitutes hoarding around the Surrey Central Transit Loop is the SFU tower where aspiring Business, Arts, Interactive Arts, and Computer Science students of SFU Surrey learn how to avoid such miserable lives. Although situated in a mall, SFU Surrey is not a boutique, factory outlet or department store. People who attempt to enter the campus without authorization get the shit kicked out of them by a large, ugly security guards whom enjoy watching yuppie concerts at the single BLENZ coffee shop located at this strange satellite of Simon Fraser. If you look closely at the tile arrangement in front of the door entering SFU Surrey from the mall, you will see a set of newly chipped out and replaced tiles that spells out "Zellers". They are replaced when TechBC took over the lease from Zellers back in 1999.
Douglas College and Kwantlen students frequent the campus to study in a more peaceful environment than their sub-standard facilities which often include lack of parking, high-schoolesque settings, and sub-standard teaching.
[edit] WQB
In 2006, Simon Fraser University initated a new undergraduate graduation requirement called Wacko, Queer, and Bizzar requirement. It requires students to take courses that they absolutely hate and have 90% chance of failing so the University can make more money out of students.
