Singapore

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“We must not fear the enemy to the north.”

~ Robo-Lee on Singapore

Socialist Republic of Singapore


Flag	Coat of arms

Motto: "Majulah Leelapura"

Anthem 1: Cow! Save the Lee by Dick Lee

Anthem 2: Count on me, Singapore by Leigh Guan You & Teh Guan Kiong

Official language(s)

~~Singlish~~ English LAH

Net worth

Over US$100 trillion in government reserves, largely contributed by the people through scams and heavy tax.

Capital (and largest city)

Geylang

Official Brothel

Geylang United Friends Club

Second smallest city

Marina Bay IR

Smallest city

Hotel 81 (In terms of place; local population about 100,000, mainly comprising ~~kidnapped~~ immigrants from Indonesia and the Philippines, and emigrants to the local ~~slave market~~ maid registry office)

Government

Socialist Nazi Juche Porn One Republic

Dynasty

Kastari Club of international moneyloving terrorists

Supreme Leader

Mas Selamat Bin Kastari

First Consul

Robo Lee II

Board of directors

Philip "Mr. Invincible" Yeo, Joab Loh, Ansel Teh II, Poo Tok Pok, The Holy Goh, Thaksin Shinawatra

Establishment

1965 (First cookie baking hall built)

Currency

the Peanut Dollar (Approximately SGD$600,000

Official religions

The Holy Trinity (i.e. The Father, The Son, and The Holy Goh)

Considered the ejaculation from the penis of Asia (Peninsular Malaysia), Singapore, also known as Democratic People's Republic of Singapore, is the only shopping mall with a monarchy that has a seat in the United Nations. Although Singapore has been largely forgotten in the annals of world history, the city-state has seen tremendous growth in terms of international recognition; in 2004, a worldwide poll ranked Singapore as the 4th "country that no one would miss if it were completely obliterated next Tuesday", beating Bhutan and Vanuatu by a wide majority.

1 History of Singapore
2 Politics and Government
3 Legal System and Judiciary
4 Geography and Climate
5 Economy
6 Tourism
7 Military
8 Population
9 Religion
10 Culture
- 10.1 Food
11 Education
12 Transportation
13 Newspapers and Media of Singapore
14 A note from the Ministry of Dispensation of Correct Information
15 Also Can See

[edit] History of Singapore

Almost 15,000 years ago, the Cissegaran and the Kiasurian alien species waged localised war on Earth, on what is now known as the Malay Peninsula (or, informally, Asia's Penis). Engaged in a conflict over the cultivation of jungle fowl, the Kiasurians had been pushed all the way back to the southernmost tip of the continent, fortifying themselves in a defensive position against the oncoming Cissegarans. Hopelessly outnumbered, the shrewd Kiasurians decided that their best plan of action was to simply purchase a few sharks with lasers on their heads, and lure many of their enemies down to their marine tank. After a short but vicious battle, the Cissegarans prevailed, and they stormed the defensive outpost. However, a lone Kiasurian warrior survived, and he alone detonated all of the shark's laser-beam ammunition simultaneously and destroyed a significant portion of the Cissegaran army.

A geological side effect was felt almost at once. The southernmost tip of the peninsula, connected only by a narrow strip of land to begin with, detached from the rest of the mainland, hewing an artificial island out of the destruction, irridiated and completely devoid of any useful natural resources. The Cissegarans left, but not before pressing human rights charges against the Kiasurians in a legal battle that would last for the next 3,000 years.

Mutated lifeforms soon began to appear on the island, although next to no vegetation ever grew back. Many of these lifeforms went extinct within a single generation, but a very significant single one remains to this day: the hideous Merlion, uncreatively named for its resemblance to a lion's head jammed into the back of a fish. Some say the first Merlion was created when a desperate mermaid had sex with a lion in an attempt to attain an orgasm. The result of this distasteful act was the birth of the first Merlion. The Merlion needs no external food supply and simply feeds on tourists at Sentosa, digesting them while spewing out gallons of water a day.

The first human to set foot on the island since the Cissegaran/Kiasurian crisis was traveling onion peeler salesman Sang Needa Nudda Nalala Onion Peeler, who sailed from one of the islands in Indonesia to look for new onion-peeling markets. Historical evidence suggests that Sang Needa first stepped foot on the then-unnamed Singapore circa 1644. Few primary records remain of his first visitation of Singapore. But it is believed he saw a tiger, and mistook it as a lion. Being scared of the tiger, he called the country "Singapuke-ah".

Sang Needa eventually returned to Singapore when he received word from an inside trader that having fins instead of paws made onions "fucking impossible" to peel. Sang Needa thus set up a permanent store there and christened the island Temasek, which really means nothing as it was the sound that Sang Needa made when he sneezed. Sang Needa returned home one last time to bring his wife over, and they had seventy-five little Sang Needas by the time he passed away peacefully at the age of 126. A storm struck Temasek two weeks after his death, and his wife and progeny were left stranded.

In 1819, an Englishman named Inspector Sir Sergius Wat Zhiwen from Raffles Institution stumbled upon Temasek, mistakenly thinking it to be New Jersey. In his drunken state, he signed a document granting the British Empire possession of Temasek, a handover that greatly annoyed all the other colonies and the Empire as a whole. Britain paid minimal attention to Temasek, even going so far as to allow casual day in Temasek when India was refused it till 1934. Unable to correctly pronounce "Temasek", Raffles motioned to rename the island "Snog A Whore". After the proposal was rejected three times by the British parliament, Raffles eventually relented and renamed the island Singapore.

The island colony lay virtually undisturbed until World War II, when the evil Japanese, searching for a new location to test prototype Gundams, decided that the hapless island of Singapore and its witless inhabitants would prove to be a most agreeable spot. In 1942, the first Gundam attack against Singapore was launched, killing 16 and destroying a local tanning booth by the Le Creuset team. The Gundams arrived on bicycles from Malaysia down the causeway. The British cried foul as all their guns were facing front - "I say old chap, that's rather poor sportsmanship to come in from the rear." Ever since then, homosexuals have had it bad in Singapore.

The brave British soldiers claimed they would never surrender to the Japanese, but due to irony in the ranks they surrendered till the last man, led by the brave British war coward Arthur Ernest "Not in the rear!" Percival at the front of the line for POW uniforms. Follow-up attacks were ones of petty abuse of human rights (especially females, by Kira Yamato). The locals cried out for a hero, and providence delivered one.

His name was Lee Kum Kee, the Grand Patriarch and Messiah of the Republic of Lee Kingdom, which lies in a parallel universe in the exact same location as Singapore. Taking pity on the island's dozy residents, he single-handedly defeated no fewer than 250 Gundam robot attacks, at times even holding his own against a dozen or more at once. Unbeknownst to the evil Japanese, Lee Kwan Yew was actually an Immortal (Idiot) with electromagnetic (commonly known as brain-damaging) and cyberpathic powers (shouting at the technician). The turning point was when he defeated the renowned General Assram Zara, tricking him into self-destructing his Infineon Justice Gundam. The final showdown barely a year later was one of the most titanic events in Singaporean history, with Lee unleashing his final release (卍解, bankai) upon Kira Yamato's Grand Master Strike Freedom Gundam, obliterating it in one blast. With that, Lee Kwan Yew defeated the Japanese and drove the British from Singaporean shores - although he did allow them to leave their QI DVDs because he liked them quite alot. But not enough to let them live. After the British left, Malaysia conquered Singapore and built a shopping mall that covered the whole island. In 1965, Lee petitioned the United Nations to grant the shopping mall a seat. This caused a war between the United States and Malaysia. Malaysia was defeated in the war, and Singapore was granted a seat.

Since Lee defeated the foreign conquerors, Singapore has embarked on the path to a Golden Age, which mysteriously ended in 1985 when Lee's batteries began to power down. In 2005, he initiated a "peaceful handover/handback" of power to his dope of a son, Lee Hsien Short, whose controversial "Cowboy Hats For All!" policy has yet to inject positive economic growth into the country like he promised it would.

[edit] Politics and Government

A view of Singapore's parliament house. Photo taken by a guy with a special sort of camera.

Singapore, a FINE and Simply Beautiful country, follows a democratic single-party system, which means that the people are free to all make the same choice. Since the country's Independence from Impure Ideology in 1945, the People's Authoritarian Party, or the PAP, has been in power continuously, except for two hours in 1971 when a talking dog walked into the parliament building and declared itself emperor. Lee Kuan Yew is known to be King of Singapore in disguise. He passed his position to an unknown man, who opted to use the title of Second Prime Minister of the Singapenis Republic. Later, that unknown guy, whose name has already been forgotten by Singaporeans, passed his position to his predecessor's son, who is also a son of a bitch, Lee Bla Bla (the name is not important as the surname is omnipotent). He is currently the country's third Prime Minister and will continue to pass his crown to his son. Lee Kuan Yew also is said to die in years to come and wants to be buried in the cemetry in the Vivo City Shopping Mall with a statue of cupids making out on his bloody grave ^{[citation needed]}.

The political system in Singapore is tiered as follows:

People: The people are expendable, especially those with physical disabilities, those with mental disabilities, ethnic Indians, ethnic Malays, homosexuals, Protestants, and the poor. People are Singapore's greatest resource. Everyone can be put to good use. From road sweepers to high fliers, the system needs them all, in fact some unlucky Bastards are burnt as fuel to satisfy Singapore's need for electricity. No one is excluded. No one is left behind. "No one". This is because if you are behind you might be up to no good. So please stay in front where we can see you.

Parliament: Comprised primarily of robots and dolls, it is the Parliament's job to agree with whatever Emperor-God Lee says, for he is Good and Infallible and his Boundless Wisdom must not be Questioned.

His Majesty The Puppet King: His Majesty's job is to sit in his palace, drink kopi-O, eat prata, and cook curry fish head right after winning an uncontested election. The Prime Minister locks him in his palace and pays him $2 billion dollars a year to appease him and keep him out of politics. However, it was reported recently that His Majesty has taken an interest in animal politics, by his appearance at the passing of an iconic Orang Utang.

His Most Noble Excellency The Prime Minister: Our Lord and Saviour, the Prime Minister is the second most important person in Singapore, and possibly the only known person whose inherent human dignity counts for anything. All decisions are made by Lord Lee, and approved by the other Lee. At present, Lee Hsien Loong is the Prime Minister of Singapore.

Uber Prime Minister Robo Lee.

His Royal Highness The Crown Prince: After "peacefully" handing over the seat of Prime Minister to Lee Hsien Loong, The Holy Goh Chok Tong ascended to the position of Crown Prince under the service of the King. The Crown Prince has incredible psychic powers, able to tap into the collective consciousness of the Singaporean people in order to ensure that their thoughts remain untainted by evil Western Imperialist media. Should the Prime Minister fail in his mission to penetrate the hearts and minds of the people, the Crown Prince serves as a back-up plan.

The Secretive, Mysterious, Powerful Shadow Emperor: Nobody knows who this might be.

[edit] Legal System and Judiciary

[edit] Judicial Proceedings

TO ALL CITIZENS: The act of viewing this webpage is strictly FORBIDDEN under federal law, and is considered a capital offence. Please remain in your homes and stay calm. Any Singapore citizens caught editing/viewing/downloading this page will be liable to caning, castration, life imprisonment or a gruesome EXECUTION by HANGING (but not before a lengthy press-covered due legal process). The situation is being handled by the relevant authorities (ISD, PSA, SAF, PUB, PSB, MOE, MOM, MAS....etc) as you read this (and we know who you are already). Do not attempt to edit this article. Do not attempt to voice your opinion. Do not leave your house. Do not turn off your computer. Do not attempt to breathe. Do not forget to pay your income tax and the tax on your income tax and the tax on the dividend on your income tax. Your leaders love and care for you very much, so pay your taxes uncomplainingly. Do not question them (although we really do love to hear your feedback... NOT!).

[edit] Citizens of Singapore

Did you know...

that you are actually one of them if you are a Singaporean?

Singaporeans are often called "balless" by English-speakers, or gu niang (effeminate/cowardly) by Chinese-speakers, for lacking the courage to criticize the government's policies, or for being hopelessly brainwashed by government propaganda. In actual fact, this is only a superficial impression - the manifestation of passive-aggressive behaviour motivated by inexpressible cynicism; a form of political theatre acted out by the government and the citizens. Most government propaganda in Singapore is highly effective, although not in the traditional sense, but rather as self-parody, although the nuances that make it such usually come in the form of in-jokes. Most Singaporeans consider their country to be very successful based on strong GDP growth. Surveys by the media have shown that Singaporeans are able to cope well with inflation, taxation, and work-related stress. Strikes and protests are almost non-existent due to the common belief that such disturbances hinder economic growth.

[edit] Police a.k.a. Mata

A Singapore police pimp mobile

As the armed forces work to enforce the will of Emperor Robo-Lee on the country's borders and on foreign soil, the mission of the police force is similar, except on the domestic front. More occupied with keeping the common people in line than doing actual police work, they have nonetheless kept the level of crime to a minimum, due to the rigorous laws in place and the appropriately brutal enforcement of these laws.

Singapore police pimp mobile meting out the standard punishment for not having a CashCard in the In-Vehicle Unit

In the area of traffic enforcement, the police is famous for diligently enforcing every traffic infracton. For example, failure to display one's road tax disc is punishable by listening to 'Neko Mimi Mode', the opening song from the Japanese anime Tsukuyomi -Moon Phase-, for 24 hours in a darkened sound-proof capsule - a punishment that is regarded as an effective and relatively humane method of deterrence. This is the standard procedure outside of one place - where the gleaming tour coaches bring brunch for the Merlion and park on the double yellow lines on Anderson Bridge by the upmarket Waterboat House as they disgorge Sing-dollar laden tourists for their final deliverance even as the greenback depreciates by the hour. Entering the wrong amount in parking coupons, meanwhile, is dealt with by subjecting the offender to watching 100 of the infamous Naruto filler episodes in one sitting. The traffic police is equipped with the same level of technology as the military, with modified Saleen Mustangs as police cruisers. Officers in the traffic police are employed in administrative and clerical positions, as the cruisers can transform into a robot mode and enforce the law on their own.

On other fronts, the police are equally severe. Since chewing gum is considered to be a psychotropic substance used exclusively by heretics, those who consume gum are burned at the stake on the Padang to cleanse them of the influence of Chaos. The same sentence is extended to vocal local opponents of the death penalty, most of whom have their faith in capital punishment gradually restored. Those who question the will of Robo-Lee are paid a visit in the middle of the night and invited to "coffee". Those who accept the invitation come back either catatonic, close to death, or completely insane. Historically, the record for the most severe punishment ever meted out was against the Chaos arch-heretic Dr. Chee Soon Juan. Robo-Lee used his psychic powers to probe his mind and then had him detained "for the good of the Imperium". Chee was punished with a curse of always having words come out of his mouth without first passing through the remnants of his brain. The curse extends to 18 generations of his descendants, predestining them to never receive the same level of respect and admiration that the current generation of political leaders inspire.

Many respected political analysts, including teen delinquents, housewives and retirees, have argued that Chee is in fact a drone controlled by Emperor Robo-Lee. Others, including prominent experts in psychotronics, believe that Chee is running on an older, unpatched version of Windows XP, and that he contracted democracy from a flock of infected PCs, while travelling in Guangdong, China. The Singaporean government has, since 2006, inoculated all school children at age 12 with a locally developed vaccine against democracy that has proven 95% effective in "deterring democratic sentiments" in clinical trials on guinea pigs - when presented with voting slips, the guinea pigs declined to vote for any political party.

[edit] Geography and Climate

Malaysia, to many Singaporeans.

A "hip" ad encouraging the young people of Singapore to "get jiggy" with NEWater.

On the map, Singapore resembles a little "red dot", much like a pimple on the rear end of the world. The first person to notice this was former Indonesian President Habibie, who remarked, in an interview with the Asian Wall Street Journal, "My goodness, it looks like a little red dot!" For this reason, Singapore's Ministry of Foreign Affairs (it has been reported that many Singaporean men have "foreign affairs" in Batam, thus justifying the existence of a separate ministry) has proudly begun calling Singaporeans "Red Dotters". Following this incident, Indonesia wisely decided to stop selling sand to Singapore for use in its land-reclamation efforts.

There have been inaccurate rumours that when all the land reclamation taking place around the Singapore coast line is complete, Singapore's geographical profile will have morphed from that of a red dot to the noble outline of a Merlion, or a square, or even a Merlion with a square head, drinking coffee and puking brown-coloured matter which the cat ate yesterday. It is believed instead, that when the reclamation is finally completed, each of the Merlion's tail flukes will be so shaped as to produce a sheltered lagoon. This lagoon will then be converted into an Integrated Resort. No one is exactly sure as to what this resort is to be integrated with. All the same, Malaysia has decided to stop supplying Singapore with water from 2020 onwards, and has also threatened to cut off water supplies intermittently based on a rigorous schedule of "whenever they feel like it" and "just because they can". This threat is actually based on the extremely cheap (by current water value) raw water price agreement signed by both sides decades ago, with Lee Kuan Yew stubbornly sticking with the old price. Ex-Prime Minister of Malaysia, Dr. Mahathir, in response, said: "They act like a child being bullied by its big brother, but in reality, it's the opposite way."

Thus, Singapore has begun its search for alternative water sources independent of their neighbouring country's whims and fancies. In 1998, the A*Star programme, under the guidance of Phillip "Mr Invincible" Yeo, unveiled National Education Water, or NEWater. Water from ~~the sewers~~ ~~air conditioning units~~ the blood and sweat of children being forced to run the 2.4-km is collected and distilled before being fortified with chemicals that will "make Singaporeans stronger", proving once again that Singaporeans are able to swallow anything. It is still uncertain as to whether the widespread distribution of NEWater has any connection to recent plummeting birth rates. Regardless of the means of manufacture, newspaper polls have shown that NEWater is seen as a 'cool' and delicious drink. For the foreseeable future, it is still a matter of debate among experts whether NEWater is to be considered Halal - a matter of particular concern for the 13% Malay population on the island.

[edit] Economy

Singapore is the only shopping mall to have been granted statehood by the United Nations. Every store in the country is connected to the progressive Lee Dynasty Megacorp, ensuring smooth transactions and controlled supplies of goods. The main exports of Singapore include Tiger Beer and students from Raffles Junior College.

Singapore is famous for being a shopper's paradise. There are 2.1 million shopping malls in Singapore, or nearly one for every two citizens. Of these malls, over 2 million of them have the same shops, which makes it easy to find exactly what you are looking for. A new shopping mall springs up at the rate at which someone dies of HIV in the Third World (approx. every 15 seconds). Singapore is not the air-conditioned nation for nothing, and the government aims to maximise the ratio of shops to persons. It is hoped that by 2025, this ratio will be 100:1. How these will be properly run is as yet unclear, but it will not be a stretch given Singapore's service standards (see below).

Singaporeans take great pride in providing an unsurpassed level of service. At most retail establishments, employees undergo rigorous training to perfect their blank stares and mumbles, purging from their brains any information they encounter which might be remotely useful or relevant. While tourists often find these skills frustrating or even rude, it is only because they do not understand the unique culture of Singapore in which being helpful is punishable by seven strokes of the cane.

There is another Uniquely Singapore phenomenon called En Bloc Sales where 80% of your neighbours could sell your home over your strenuous but futile objections if you live in "air space" of 10 years old or more. If your "air space" is less than 10 years old, it will take another 10% of your ugly neighbours to take away your ceiling. Technically, you could move in today and 90% of your neighbours could agree to sell your nest tomorrow. Property is about 3 things: Location, Location and Location. The witless like to think that they have reaped an en bloc windfall. Despite being the cabbage-heads that they are, these people rarely break wind even when they realize that the replacement cost of the redevelopment at their old en bloc site is 70%-200% of their prized collective sales proceeds. The labour movement and a whole host of other things in this country are "tripartite" efforts, except for this National Cause of Urban Renewal as Singapore undergoes another Extreme Makeover in the new millennium. The citizens sacrifice their homes whilst the corporate developers laugh with so much gas in their collective gut all the way to the bank because the value of prime land is unlocked and handed to them on a silver platter. The government blithely shares in the spoils through an array of hefty development charges, differential premiums and not-inconsequential stamp duties from each en bloc sale with back-to-back individual purchase transactions.

[edit] Tourism

Tintin was forced to visit Singapore instead of Cambodia after the Khmer Rouge screwed up his holiday plans. He hated it.

Tourism is a vital part of Singapore's economy. In 2000, over 4 million people were tricked, bullied, forced, cajoled, coaxed, or otherwise fooled into visiting Singapore for an average period of sixteen hours. The government refers to the tourist experience in this country as "Uniquely Singapore", a slogan that has received a positive response from tourists - most tourists would probably kill themselves if they discovered there could possibly be another city somewhere in the world just like Singapore.

Most of the country's tourism is centred on tiny Sentosa island. Tourists flock to the beaches for the rare sight of majestic container ships entering and exiting the harbour. The shops along the beaches sell postcards featuring the iconic oil refineries on the skyline. The beaches, comprised of strips of imported sand from as far away as Saudi Arabia and Dubai, have been widely praised as some of the most beautiful in the world.

The recent proposed addition to Singapore's tourist offerings has been a hot topic of discussion. Integrated Resorts, or IR's - also known by their actual name "casinos" - have many middle-aged Singaporeans concerned that their spouse might gamble their life savings away. This is a very important issue because experts agree that most Singaporeans have never heard of the concept of personal responsibility and could not possibly be expected to be accountable for their own actions. However, a government-commissioned study has determined that a vibrant economy is "evidently more important than the twenty-five dollars in some old man's bank account", and so by 2015, Singapore plans to ruin more foreigners in casinos than any other shopping mall city in the world.

[edit] Military

Join us! It'll only be the worst mistake of your entire life!

Main article: Singapore Armed Forces

Consisting of millions of loyal and dedicated soldiers, the military of Singapore, known as the Singapore Armed Forces or the SAF, is the most powerful army in the world and has never lost any battles (because it has not fought in any). All conscripts of the SAF are injected with neural agents to numb their senses and their ability to think. This keeps the conscripts fiercely obedient to all orders and instructions.

The secret to their zero military defeat record (despite not being in any battles at all) is rumoured to be attributed to their assisted inception and development by the Israeli Defence Force (IDF). It is also rumoured that many military commanders are actually the by-products of an Israeli military experiment gone wrong.

The military is also famed for giving out educational bursaries called SAFOS (Special Awards For Ordinary Singaporeans) to 18 year olds in an attempt to "bond their souls" to the military for life. With tea sessions which cost more than a million dollars each to organize, the military does an apparently successful job of convincing the general population that a soldier's life is a glorious and glamourous one; still, as one recruit interviewed by the local newspaper Today in 2007 remarked, "[...] actually we're just all there for the imba siew mai served at the tea reception lah."

[edit] Population

Singapore's population currently stands at 4.1 million. However, due to diminishing birth rates and 'hidden' migration out of Singapore, analysts predict that Singapore's population will be no more than three individuals sitting under a coconut tree by the year 2050. Because of this, the government has become involved in raising the pregnancy rate. Although the action of distributing Free Government Whores has met with tepid success, the government thinks it can do much better, predicting a population of 4.6 million by 2011. However, due to the fact that most Singaporeans are gay, this plan is predicted to fail miserably and Singapore are currently trying to invent a way to create babies through anal gay sex. Go figure. . .

[edit] Religion

The Cult of Lee, like the Cult of Jimbo or the Cult of Mao, is a religion dedicated to the image and likeness of the God-Emperor. Other minor religions in Singapore that have yet to be eradicated include Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Taoism and Tourism.

Fully compatible with being a member of the Cult of Lee, Kiasuism is a way of life many Singaporeans adhere to. In accordance with its teachings, a Kiasuist must queue on Sundays at his/her local McDonald's restaurant and offer praise to the Hello Kitty doll that comes with a Happy Meal. Also, many Kiasu parents begin teaching their children Kiasuism from a young age. While some less-devout parents merely beat their primary-school children for failing to obtain perfect marks in all subjects, other parents start while their children are in the womb, by reprimanding their fetal-state progeny for not developing properly or fast enough.

[edit] Culture

Culture? What culture? You want to know about Sing culture ah? Click here to find out.

[edit] Food

Singapore has an enormous variety of food, such that the act of being able to lift the menu at any local restaurant qualifies one to represent the country in Olympic weight-lifting. However, many food items (such as "Pig Entrail Soup") have such comical or disgusting names that several tourists had to be hospitalised before even consuming them.

One local delicacy that has made headlines is mee siam. Mee siam is a mixture of Asian noodles, prawns, fish, lemongrass, sliced vegetables, and more recently, cockles. This addition was highlighted at the 2006 National Day Rant (NDR) by the son of Robo-Lee. The announcement sent shock waves through the market, and the price of cockles rose dramatically, trading at a peak of US$75 per kilogram of cockles.

Well known as the "Food Paradise", Singapore loves to steal Malaysia's foods as their food. For example try the fried kuay tiao. Singaporeans have taken the fabulous tasting hawker food from their neighbor country and by adding lots and lots of sugar to it, they have successfully turn it into a candy only kids would love. They even claim the famous Roti Canai is Singaporean and call it "Roti Pratha" Where the shit they came up with a crap name likethat I will never kmow.

[edit] Education

Although the Singaporean education system is praiseworthy in many ways, critics have noted that 9 out of 10 Singaporean students fail to notice any change when a Tyrannosaurus is introduced into a school assembly.

The Singaporean education system is based upon military-style education, which encompasses crushing the will of the student and moulding him or her into the image of the leader. This style is beginning to be emulated in many schools around the world, with Wheeling Jesuit University being one of the first institutions of higher learning to adopt such a system. Students are also forced to dunk their heads into barrels full of fish and mucus while reciting the whole alphabet or memorising All Your Base Are Belong To Us (Literary Criticism) so they will not lose out in computer trivia for their GP. Waterboarding and sleep deprivation are also commonly-used techniques to instill discipline in the Singaporean education system. When questioned on the viability of such techniques, PM Lee merely shrugged and said "If the CIA can use them, why not the MOE?"

In addition to such character formation, students are also indoctrinated at a young age through a system known as National Education, where students are fed a "true version" of the history and politics of Singapore. Mind-control also begins at age six, and students are bombarded by mind-control rays every day at school from primary one onwards, through National Service (for the boys) till university; after which, their probability of losing a lucrative job to smarter foreigners is an optimistic 88.89%.

Prominent places of learning in Singapore include the National University of Singapore, the humourless always-being-thrown-off-a-cliff-by-the-better-Raffles-Girls'-School-Girls Raffles Institution, placing 5th in the international "Where's The Funny?" competition behind Bag's End Grammar School; the prestigious school Raffles Junior College, recently causing an uproar among the Indignant Sadder Class, who "cannot take the brutal truth"; Raffles Girls School (Secondary), which the government has pressed charges on for going against their "More sex! More babies!" policy and instead joined the fanclub called "Let's punch the Raffles Institution boys and throw them over a cliff"; and Hwa Chong Institution, home of the Hwa Chong Group of Studios, which produces a net total of about one toothpaste commercial every four years.

[edit] Transportation

The transportation infrastructure is extremely robust in Singapore. In fact, so labyrinthine is Singapore's system of underground tunnels that governmental advisories have been issued against excessive foot-stomping and mass gatherings. (See section: Legal System and Judiciary.)

Another interesting thing to note is how Singaporeans take public transport. Over the years, citizens have mastered these ancient arts of seat grabbing, pole hogging and crowding. Research had shown that 80% of all Singaporeans grab seats 2.5 times faster than that of people from other countries. For pole leaning, every 5 support poles in the MRT have 3 Singaporeans hogging almost 95% of the pole's holding area. The citizens also tend to have an attraction for the nearest exit on the MRT.

If you think the MRT looks similar to the London Underground, you would be correct. It is 'uniquely Singaporean', even down to the recording of the same, brainless, British women repeating "Mind the Gap". However, recently this British woman has been replaced by a Singaporean chinese woman who cannot speak english for pete's sake. One thing very different about the MRT is the money collection scheme. You will pay for your ride, come hell or high water. The MRT trains are very highly energy efficient (after all we are a GREEN CITY). Trains will cut off their air conditioning systems for about 4-5 stations (10-15min traveling time) before resuming for 2 stations (5-6min). This is especially so for the vintage MRTs, the 1st original train which make nice screeching sound when traveling.

Another skill mastered by a typical Singaporean is acting dead, so that if someone heavily pregnant or the elderly is looking for a seat, the typical young Singaporean will promptly doze off, even without the pregnant lady nor the elderly boarding the train, but when not faced with these circumstances. Common things to do on board the public transport system are eating secretly with the art of the Ninja while avoiding the 'green men on patrol', blasting music and stretching legs across the carriage, making it seem like those Olympic hurdle courses. A sub-culture of young angry teenagers (fucktwits or si-ginnah or ginnapis) of Singapore is to blast or show off how loud their mp3 capable phones are to the public. Songs played range from US Hippyhop to Taiwanese pop to Jpop to Kimchipop. Not to mention Singaporeans have a tendency to lean on things especially metallic poles(maybe due to lack of pole dancing). They fail to understand what is a grab pole and often misinterpret it as lean pole or sleeping pole. Young kids love them! They tend to twirl and swing around it kicking everyone's legs and pulling every lady's skirts,jeans,pants down. They also like to do monkey climb with the hand grips. Singaporeans have also a unexplainable fear of going to the 'center of the car'. This is probably due to some of the newer trains are equipped with air conditioners the power of 20 Blackholes.This is most evident during peak hours when the 'center of the car' is quite empty while the areas around the exits are packed until everyone is smooching and licking each other's face,makeup,perfume not to mention Foreign Talents' hairy armpits (which reeks from medicinal herbs to spices and goat's milk). There will soon be a new type of dance called 'center of the car' dance, meant for people who wanna dance in mrt cabins as there is too much space.

Also, SBS (Si Beh Slow) Transit buses always travel with the speed of a cyclist, and sometimes it will go so slow while approaching the traffic light while it's green, gaining only a few seconds of speed when the light turns yellow. When the traffic light turns red at that moment,the bus makes a brake so strong that it resembles braking a F1 racing sports car suddenly while in full throttle. SBS Transit's buses are also often old (their oldest bus is about 190 years old), and may be poorly maintained, with rusty poles and rainwater (which came in through leaky roofs) collecting inside their buses. SBS Buses come with 2 X 100" HD-III (5760 X 3240) Creative™ levitating holographic illumination displays with cinematic 20.1 surround sound. Some buses even smell like an Indian, and Indians smell like crap!

Conversely, SBS Transit's arch-rival, SMRT's (say Ass-M-Mati) buses travel at the speed of light at the bare minimum, in an approach that is designed to set them apart from their arch-rival. This instantaneous burst of speed sometimes causes the buses to be dislodged in alternate realities or parallel universes. One of their longest record was 1 hour+ per interval. Often this is a very dark bus often took by spicy and hairy neighbours. Maybe it is too dark and the driver lost his way when the zerglings flood the bus with their spices and hair? This approach has made many fans out of their commuters, who switched to their buses after being pissed off at the way SBS Transit's buses are driven despite the fact that their buses are commonly infested with cockroaches (and sometimes, Grues), with air-conditioning that mimic Death Valley on hot days and Antarctica on cold ones, and a suspension system that's guaranteed to either aid in digestion or indigestion, depending on who you ask. Some of their newer buses are even designed by Pininfarina, the same Italian guys that designed the Ferraris, to ensure top performance at high speeds. Central Air Conditioning NY
Citizens also are equipped with camera phones on public transport system so that they could snap a photo of anyone doing something 'not meant for public transport' and send it to the Public Shaming Gallery put up by the Government aka STOMP.com.sg. Ironically, those whom mastered the ninja way of eating secretly on public transport could not fend themselves from the dangerous camera phone welding assassins, mostly ending up with their picture captured while biting on their favourite curry puff.

You have to make at least 3 trips from Point A to Point B and you have the pleasure of using 5 different types of transportation, Walking/LRT/MRT/Buses/Giving up and taking a cab. This is only available in Singapore. You will have to walk for 8 mins out of the North-East Line or need to change to the North-South/East-West lines. This is simply World-class Transportation!!

Every year the Land Transport Authority increases the bus, MRT and taxi fares in order to further fund the ambitious Project Las Vegas = Singapore 2009

[edit] Newspapers and Media of Singapore

For every movie coming into Singapore, it has to be ~~censored~~ seen by the Media Developement Authority(MDA) in order to weed out the bad parts of the movie. However, a video on the internet has showed to the Singapore public for the first time, of what MDA considers to be of "good quality". For details see here[1] It showed MDA executives rapping about their jobs while prancing around their office wearing Superman costumes and pretending to be Indiana Jones, plainly skiving at their job. (Rated NC16 for Bureaucrats Trying To Drop It Like It's Hawt, Some Coarse Language)

The Board of Film Censors classifies ~~censored~~ movies into different ratings:

G (Goddamn boring)
PG (Phails Godly)
NC16 (No Cunts under 16)
M18 (Manly 18)
R21 (Raunchy 21)

Singapore Press Holdings(PAP) and its rival, Mediacrap, are ~~owned and solely controlled by~~ under the paternal guidance of the Lee Megacorp (aka TheMask Holdings) to ensure that they accurately represent the voice of the people. The Straits Times is a bastion of responsible reporting and any whispers of press freedom by the ~~chao angmohs~~ unwashed foreign masses should be promptly ignored. The Straits Times has also won numerous awards for Best Colour Printing For A Newspaper, among its other journalistic merits.

[edit] A note from the Ministry of Dispensation of Correct Information

This is Internet chatter and cannot be taken seriously, as it brings up no valid points about the current state of the Republic of Singapore. The words written on this page are all nonsense. We are secure in our right to rule. We have no time to debate this futile affair. There will be some idiots out there who will attempt to correct us, with defamation suits and all, but, like Lee Kuan Yew, this page is ETERNAL.