Singapore Armed Forces
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| The Singapore Armed Forces The Most Powderful Military in the World | |
| |
| Leadership | |
| Minister of Defence: | "Uncle" Teo Chee Hean |
| Personnel | |
| Active[1] personnel: | 60,000,103,492 |
| Reserve personnel: | 145,977,081,200 |
| Total fit for service: | 12[2] |
| Conscript service: | 24 months - (no. of posts made on MINDEF eForums x 11 minutes) |
| Industry | |
| Annual spending: | Three Lemons (Avg) |
| % of GDP spent on military: | 610% |
| Annual revenue from garage sale forum: | SGD$30.7 billion |
| Annual revenue from e-Mart moonlighting sales: | approx. SGD$71.0 billion |
The Singapore Armed Forces (abbreviated: SAF) is the most powerful military organization in the world because it has never lost a single war [3]. The SAF relies largely on conscripted soldiers and comprises three branches: the Branch That Blows Up Things On Land, the Branch That Blows Up Things In The Air, and the Branch That Blows Up Things In The Sea. The number of active personnel in the SAF is estimated at 60,000,000,000, the most important of which being over 10,000 malingering chao keng kia PES E soldiers who ensure that Generals get their coffee on time and piping hot. It is further estimated that another 100,000 or so soldiers are actually full-time 'Winning Eleven' Professionals - with evidence of numerous competitions held within the various divisions (3rd, 6th, 9th).
Contents |
[edit] History
Singapore's military role stems from the fact that the country has too much money never knew and has never known what to do with it all. After the failure of the "Adopt a Gold Bar!" scheme in the 1960s, then-prime minister Lee Kuan Yew decided to focus his attention on creating a world-class[4] military "for the purposes of ensuring peace and sovereignty while he is sitting on the toilet reading dirty magazines[5]".
[edit] Organisation
[edit] National Servitude
In 1963, Lee Kwan Yew's trusted servants called for mandatory conscription of all Singaporean males. Initially called National Slavery, the policy was changed to Shrimp Buffet after test audiences proved unreceptive to the name. In 1990, it was renamed again as National Servitude. In the public, it was known as National Service, but nobody cares since it is same meaning.
All Singaporean males, when in the prime of their life, are required to sacrifice two years of their life trapped in National Slavery Servitude (NS) or commonly known as Nothing but Shit, where they are trained to protect Singapore from the very real and credible threats of terrorists strapped to nuclear missiles, subterranean terrorist squid, mosquito terrorists, imminent invasion from Indonesia and Malaysia, and other terrifying things. Singaporean males who attempt to flee from their National Servitude are ruthlessly put out of commission, especially those with exceptional talents that could be put to good use elsewhere in the world; the rest of the world is not as important as Singapore's national security.
Nevertheless, all males after reaching the age of 18 are kidnapped in the middle of the night and brought in chains to the prison island known as Pulau Tekong. It has a zero escape rate, thanks to the thick and treacherous jungle in its interior and the waters surrounding it being filled with cybernetically-enhanced sharks (which some say are invented by Robo-Lee himself). Known as the "Happy Camp", it is a strange new world for the dazed conscript, as he is welded into the durasteel power armour that he will eat, sleep and crap in for the next two years of his life.
Training is harsh, and many who falter are fed to the eternally-hungry sharks. Besides gruelling physical training, there is also daily worship and "neural-reprogramming" sessions where the recruits are indoctrinated to pledge their loyalty to Singapore and to the God-Emperor Robo-Lee. The will of the Emperor is absolute, and to question it is unthinkable. After basic training, they are then sent to various branches to complete their training to be a vital component in the Imperial Army.
In the various branches, the soldiers also learn a special legendary skill which even the US Military has no knowledge of: The 7 techniques of Wayang. An example demonstrating the usage of this uber 1337 skill: when enemy terrorists arrive to infiltrate an SAF camp, they will be psychologically affected after seeing the tough-looking soldiers standing at the gate looking ready to eliminate anything on sight. After the terrorists are discouraged and have left, the soldiers who are guarding the gate would proceed on to sit on chairs, chit-chat, play games and even sleep, especially when their superiors are not around; thus saving the precious battery life of their power suits[6].
Amongst the recruits imprisoned on the cursed island of Tekong, there are the truly elite who are not able to endure the gruelling physical and mental training. These elite recruits are able to by-pass the training on Tekong and get posted out to become Clerks, Store men, Regimental Policemen (An exception for Air Force, see Regimental Policemen in Singapore) and the like. These chao keng kias military elite are the unsung heroes who continually taunt provide much encouragement and support to the other lesser soldiers who are going through tough training. The superbly efficient system the SAF has in place can only be attributed to the military elite.
[edit] Regulars (and other morons)
Apart from this, the Singaporean military is also made up of "regulars", a body of masochists who actually elect to work in the army full-time. These brave men suffer years of being shouted at in the ranks until they can claw their way up the top, at which point they stand poised to start shouting at the ranks, completing the cycle of idiots with too much testosterone.
Also, during the process of clawing up the ranks, as they are more given to voluntarily standing in the way of any and all incoming flights of shit, regulars are given upgraded and thicker plates of armour. This armour, which is irremovable, is so thick that it can withstand even a thermonuclear attack at ground zero, or a chewing out by a senior officer. Unfortunately, the said armour also encases the cranium, and with all the weight pressing down on what is considered the most fragile organ in the body, something has to give. Which is why, once a regular has it in his mind to do something in a certain way, nothing, not God, not Kira Yagami, and most definitely not the common soldiers under him, can say or do anything to change his way of doing it, for the necessary brain cells needed to even consider a better way have long since been obliterated beyond any means of recovery. This armour is called by many as 'Terminator' armour, as it has a 'Terminal' effect and 'Terminates' all higher brain order functions.
Currently, the army is working on a way to reduce this effect, and has commissioned a high-level WITS project team consisting of my CO, his CO, and his CO's CO. No success has been reported to date. This may be because they are regulars.
Regarding the return to normal human life after the traumatic experiences and indoctrination, also known as ORD (Operational Remote-control Drones), many soldiers, after having been peeled out of their nice cosy armour that they have spent the last 2 years in, are as pale as the shelled prawns they look like. They are also as dim-witted as the crustaceans and end up having to restudy all over again. But to maintain a hold over his slaves, they are recalled every year for "upgrades" and "refresher" courses.
Unfortunately for the regulars, by the time they are released from their terms, their minds have deteriorated to the extent that they are mostly empty shells. This explains why most regulars end up doing jobs that do not require much thinking, namely driving taxis and menial labour.
[edit] Ranks in the SAF
[edit] Warrant Officers, Specialists, and Enlistees
- REC - Really Enduring Camp in Tekong
- PTE - Physically Trained Expert after Tekong
- LCP - Lowest Confident Personnel in camp due to inexperience, also known as "Lan Chao Bing"
- CPL - Cannot Play Liao because you are a senior NSF, also known as "Kao Beh Lang" as they always complain alot
- SGT - Saying Goodbye Thank you, because you are at the end of your service
- SSG - Showing Social Grace by asking people to call you staff instead of sergeant
- MSG - Must Say Good no matter what your commanders so that you get your 1st epaulette on your shoulder faster
- MWO - Must Watch Out for n00bs making mistakes and make them sign extra
- SWO - Still Waiting Orders because you are somehow still lower ranked than commissioned officers even if you have loads more experience than them
[edit] Officers
- LTA - Listening To Advice because your officer-commanding told you to do so and you cannot disobey
- CPT - Call Please Thanks, too busy with work, no time to reply
- MAJ - Must Always Joke so that people in SAFTI MI will recognise your "Leadership" and send you to command
- LTC - Later Then Confirm because you have too many meetings to attend
- COL - Content Over Leadership since you have already commanded so many people
- BG - Better (be) Gone, so that someone can replace you...
- MG - Media Glamour, especially if you are Chief of Army, pictures always taken for mass media purposes
- LG - Life's good, nowhere higher to go, nothing to do also. (Too bad Singapore do not have a 4 star general!!) Perhaps you can into Singapore administrative services, the place where you can go into politics.
[edit] Defence policy
The SAF's defence policy runs on a binomial system known as "Big Guys, Small Guys". A Threat Assessment Team is first activated to determine the level of danger from a potential enemy.
- If the enemy is many times larger than the SAF and will likely crush it like an insect, large sums of money should be thrown at the enemy until it goes away.
- if the enemy can be defeated swiftly and decisively by the SAF, it must be obliterated.
Option 2 was almost utilised in 2004 when Singapore's borders were breached by a pair sentient LEGO figurines that threatened to attack the country. They were given large sums of money after a four-hour closed-door negotiation that almost depleted the nation's champagne reserves.
[edit] Total Defence
Some time ago, Total Defence was implemented. Now, nobody knows what it is. It may as well not even exist. In face, debates abound as to whether or not it actually does[7].
[edit] Military Technological Level
Thanks to the uber-l337 hAx0r power of Robo-Lee himself and his team of gretchin slaves at DSTA (Definitely Slaves Till Armageddon), the level of technology in the military is much higher than every other country in the world. While other armies are still wearing cloth uniforms, the Singapore military has advanced to the level of being able to mass-produce power armor for everyone in its armed forces (And they mean EVERYONE). Each and every trooper is also issued a rapid-fire bolter that is considered to be so powerful that the United States and the European Union are petitioning for it to be banned as an infantry weapon under the Geneva Convention.
The technological advancement has also extended to logistics and supply. Field rations consist of green packets of high-energy (but utterly tasteless) "ponteh rice" that can sustain a soldier out in the field for days without finding other forms of nutrition. Other dishes include pills which when eaten, expand to become a packet of Maggi Mee, complete with MSG and other unmentionable items. Last but not least, the field rations have the all-important Nescafé coffee powder, which is specially formulated such that one only needs to pour the powder into his mouth and then gaggle with water.
In the armor department, the Imperial Army is also miles ahead of everybody else. The pride and joy of the armoured divisions is the "Brawl"-class Main Battle Tank, which has reactive armour three times more effective than normal steel-plated armour. On the outside it looks like a copy of the American M1 Abram tank, but however its capabilities could not be more different. Thanks to a mysterious ally of Robo-Lee, who calls himself "Megatron", it has what appears to be transformation technology incorporated into it. While most tanks are vulnerable to engagement at melee range, the Brawl solves this problem by having a pair of clawed arms which can extend out and tear through any MBT in the world with one swipe. It has been rumoured that it can be transformed into a so-called robot mode, but so far there has been no substantial evidence proving it.
This is not to say that the Singapore Air Force have been neglected. On the contrary, it has been boosted to the point that Warlord Premier Bush of the United States have ordered his own minions to copy Singapore's aerospace technology. The entity known as "Megatron" has ordered his second in command, known by the grand-sounding title of "Destron Air Commander Starscream" to help upgrade the F15 fighter jets to have transformation technology as well. Many of Singapore's foes have rued the day they faced off what looked like normal F15 jets, only to have them transform into robot mode and terrorise both the skies and the ground.
This was evident during the Pokémon Wars, which Robo-Lee initiated because his Nintendo DS crashed on him, taking his Pokémon Diamond save data with it. Furious, he launched a vicious air compaign against the Japanese Armed Forces. Hundreds of Japan's most prized Gundams went down in a hail of null-ray cannon blasts and cluster missiles. The commander of the Japanese Gundam Force, General Kira Yamato The Third (grandson of the original Kira Yamato who was blasted to oblivion by Robo-Lee during WWII) was shot down after a prolonged duel with the Air Commander himself. The head of his Freedom Gundam was then brought back to Singapore as a trophy and now sits proudly in the Robo-Lee Museum. There are disturbing rumours however, that the Air Commander is planning a coup against his master, "Megatron". Robo-Lee is aware of the situation and is keeping tabs on his allies.
All these however pales in comparison to the most terrifying weapon in its arsenal, which was reverse-engineered from the 250 Japanese Gundams which Robo-Lee defeated. The project, codenamed "Turn W Gundam", is an extremely powerful mobile suit specifically designed to brutally hit their sworn enemies, the Apa Ini Republic of Malaysia where it hurts the most. Its most powerful weapon, the NEWater Butterfly, is designed to turn all Malaysian technology into freshly-produced NEWater. On its maiden engagement with the enemy, it flew over the Malaysian Multimedia Five-Foot Way and dissolved the Proton factory into a lake of NEWater, drowning the 5000 monkeys working in it.
[edit] MINDEF eForums
MINDEF eForums, sometimes known as /mindef/, exist to lower productivity. It is estimated that up to 6,000 hours of productivity are lost to the SAF as a result of its continued availability to any serviceman with a computer[8].
[edit] Honour and Passion
In 2007, the SAF worked with Mediacorp to produce a brand-new Military-themed TV series named Honour and Passion. It features many strong points of the Singapore Military, including soldiers who aimed to become Clerks and Regimental Policeman, honourable commandos who can subdue gay terrorists with the power of a Power Ranger, a female soldier (Portrayed by the desirable Felicia Chin) who was actually a man, and many others as well. In the show there is also a gay Muslim terrorist by the name of Qusay Bin Laden, who aimed to plunge Singapore in dark chaos. However, he failed to do so, because the directors of the show dared not allow this to happen, being paid by the SAF to ensure that the elite Singapore Commando will overcome the terrorists.
[edit] Notes
- ↑ "Active" being highly subjective.
- ↑ An undisclosed number of "chao keng" or malingering personnel is not included in this figure.
- ↑ Although it has never been in any.
- ↑ When compared against Madagascar and Greenland.
- ↑ Mostly PC Gamer, although the Uber Prime Minister is occasionally known to diversify is bathroom reading material.
- ↑ which can be put to better use such as posting on the Mindef eForum or dodging arrows that come one's way
- ↑ As in, "If no one ever thinks about Total Defence, does it truly exist?".
- ↑ Fortunately, this has not compromised the efficiency of the SAF.
