Sintu Cloven

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

The (goat)man behind the myth of "Santa Claus". Not a pretty a picture.

Santa Claus, despite what many may claim, comes from the legend of Sintu Cloven.

1 The Legend
2 The Tradition Begins
3 The Beginning
4 Goatmen today
5 Sintu's Coven
6 See also
7 External links

[edit] The Legend

It is said the first Goatman was created by an evil Goatrahmancer (Goat-rah-mancer)

Sintu Cloven

Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Dual: Assasin/Smuggler
Order	No ( Chaotic Evil )
Family	Disapointed
Genus	No: IQ 110
Species	Goatmen
Binomial Name	Homo Sapien Freakius Goatish
Primary Armament	4d6+7 Lunge (Bite w/ canine fangs and claws)
Secondary Armament	1d6+4 Bash (Stuns for 4d3 turns. Requires loot bag.)
Power Supply	Yes- see "santa's work shop"
HP:	47
Mana Points:	123
Strength:	23
Intelligence:	14
Weight	230 Lb.
Length	4 tail, 6'7 tall
Special Attack	Sir.Baggsalot(buff), Haste, Hide in Shadow, Bluff, Sneak, Picklocks.
Conservation Status	Kill on Sight

Sintu Cloven, according to the ancient tales, was a terrible goatman that constantly hungered for the flesh of children. But, as the story goes, Sintu Cloven never stole a single child - no the tale is far more terrible then that. You see Sintu Cloven did not take the children, he bartered for them! ( which is what partially kept him out of trouble with the law ) It is said that Sintu Cloven would bring almost any gift to parents who were willing to trade away their children. Parents, who often had at this time more children then they needed, would write what they wanted most in the world and hide their notes in the pine trees at the edge of the goatman's forest. Then, in the dead of night, he could creep through the foothills and slip into the Shepherd's houses though open windows or chimneys, collecting the traded children in his giant sack and leaving the agreed upon gifts.

[edit] The Tradition Begins

Yet stealthy as Sintu Cloven was, and as discreet as the greedy parents were, sometimes children would become suspicious. But these few questioning youths were quieted with the promise of a benevolent white bearded elf carrying gifts to them. And so before bed the hapless younglings would unlatch their windows or put out their fires - and even leave biscuits or goats milk - easing the way for their own terrible demise.

[edit] The Beginning

No one can say for sure what made Sintu go bad, but expert psychologists say his name gives us a hint.

Sintu was born in France in 1496 to a family of goatmen. Life was not easy for goatmen at the time, and so his parents were quite happy to find him to be born without hoofs ( though his feet were no doubt misshapen ) - thus the name "Sin-tu Cloven" ( meaning "without hoofs" in French ). His parents were always proud of him for this and he enjoyed a life much farther from discrimination then most of his kindred - that is, until his hoofs got their late start ( the date is not exactly know but is thought to be 1505- when he was 9 ).

"At first" Says psychologist Pat Morgan " he must have tried hiding them by wearing his shoes all the time, but it was only a matter of time until his secret got out. He went from being a "normal" person to something that was widely hated and feared. One can only imagine the effect on some one so young being suddenly feared and compared to demons by everyone- even his old friends. It's no wonder this whole thing started."

Adrea Dalas, Ph.D, has studied the legend since she was getting her degree: "When someone influential tells us something as a fact over and over again, especially at a young age, we start believing it. So when everyone was not only acting as if he was evil, but were also telling him how evil he was; is it any doubt he turned out to fulfill their fears? Look at it - eating little children is exactly the sort of thing people of that time would fear from a "demonic" looking goatman."

[edit] Goatmen today

In the original Lord of the Rings Sauron was a goatman.

The creators of the Lord of the Rings movie tried to tribute this little know fact (see above caption) in a friendlier light for the Goatmen race by making Bilbo a goatman. It didn't work.

Although modern science has proven goatmen to be "genetic freaks" and the fact that the current generation think they look "really cool, man", that's hasn't keep almost every goatman still in existence to remain in hiding. A recent census by the A.O.F.T.S.S. ( American Organization for Taking Scientific Studies ) looking into possible discrimination against goatmen ( called "goat-people in this study to be more inclusive of female goatmen ) came up with these numbers for the population of the U.S.A.:

20% -Think that Goat-people are just as human as all other human freaks of nature and/or science ( not including zombies and vampires, though [[mummy]s are still included. )

78% -Think that Goat-people are just too cool and would fire any employee on the spot so as replace him/her with the Goat-person in an attempt to boost sales

2% -Believe we are retards for even starting this census as there is obviously no such thing as a goat-person

When it comes to their psychology, goatmen are very similar to humans, probably due in part to the fact that they are human ( they are genetic freaks - see above ). They seem to be generally well mannered and even tempered - but every race has it's black sheep, or in this case, black goatmen. Unfortunately, the goatmen are so good at hiding that we never hear from the mild mannered ones since they are so busy minding their own ( secretive ) business.

[edit] Sintu's Coven

The heavily rumoured war machine of Sintu's Coven - coming to a war near you!

Sintu's Coven is a perfect example of goatmen terrorism groups today - loud and elusive. Some say that they are just trying to communicate in the most effective way possible- on the 5 o'clock news - and don't mean any harm. This argument would be more persuasive if they didn't write all their messages with flaming cars.