Isaac Newton

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Sir Isaac Newton)
Jump to: navigation, search

“Think where we'd be if a pear fell on his head”

~ A Scientist on Isaac Newton

“I am not a conjurer of cheap tricks!”

~ Isaac Newton on his laws

“In Soviet Russia, you exert a force...a force...uh, *clears throat*, an equal force exerts itself... an equal and opposite force exerts itself on you!”

~ Russian Reversal on Newton's third law

“Newton was indeed the luckiest of all mortals, til I came along and showed that he was wrong”

~ Albert Einstein on Newton
Isaac "Sir" Newton
Birthname Sir Isaac Marie Newton
Born 4 January 1643
Died 13 January 1727
Favorite Beverage(s) Apple Juice, Magma, Seltzer
Occupation(s) Physicist, Burlesque Dancer, Opium Dealer
Theories Special Theory Relativity, Theory of Evolution
Special abilit(y/ies) Gender Fluidity, Telekinesis
Sir Isaac Newton: Scientist and mathematician. Fruit and cake.
Sir Isaac Newton: Scientist and mathematician. Fruit and cake.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Isaac Newton.


Sir Isaac Newton, born Isaac Marie Newton (pronounced "'ˈnwj~oo*-oːt"ən.'), known in more lecherous circles as "The Newt" was a British physicist who is credited with the discovery of gravity, classical mechanics, and other amazing things. He was knighted by the queen despite much objection to his less-than-honorable profession, that of being a bad-tempered physicist. He discovered calculus independently of Gottfried Leibniz (yes, we're so intellectual and neutral here that we do have articles both on Newton and Leibniz) but because of his pugnacity, he almost caused a war between England and Germany over who discovered it first. It was a rare case of a petulant person admitting that *they* started it, but such was Newton's unorthodoxy. In the end, they settled it over some pale ale and frankfurters, the best of both worlds (or as Leibniz would say: 'The best of all possible worlds')

Contents

[edit] Newton's Law's

[edit] Law One: The "I Could Have Written That One" Law

An object in motion will remain at rest unless acted on by an internal force. Contrary-wise, an object at rest will remain in motion unless acted on by an internal force.

The practical application of this law is manyfold. For example an amorphous particle rolling down a theoretical, frictionless incline of exactly 45 degrees at precisely 3 m/s will remain at rest unless acted on by some internal force of that ball (ideally, all matter has an the potential for an internal force) and of course a formless mass of precisely 50 kg, when placed in a frictionless, vacuum will remain in motion forever. That's called perpetual motion (practically speaking, all of the applications for Newton's laws are purely theoretical.)

[edit] Law Two: The "The Big One" Law

The force exerted by an object (m) is equal to the mass (f) of that object multiplied by the acceleration of that object (m).

This law is pretty straight forward. Say we have a ball rolling down a ramp at approximately 12.5 m/s. The mass of the ball is 1 kg, and the acceleration is 45 m/s/s. That would mean the mass exerted by the ball would be twice the velocity, theoretically. As the ball has an initial velocity of 12.5 m/s, the initial mass would be 25 kgs (about the weight of a small gazelle). As the ball accelerated, the velocity would increase, in this case at a rate of 45 m/s/s. After 1 second (or, roughly speaking the time it takes for a hummingbird to beat its wings 40,000 times during a lunar eclipse) the velocity of the ball would have increased to 57.5 m/s (or, about the speed of a sprinting grizzly bear), and the mass would therefore be equal to only 115 kgs (approximately the weight of a 1954 Chevrolet Bel Air). The force, of course, would be twice the mass. In this case, that would be 230 newtons(1 newton is best represented as the force exerted by Isaac Newton when he is moving with an acceleration of 1 m/s/s).

[edit] Law Three: The "Last Ditch Attempt to Save Mankind" Law

Every action (a1) elicits an equal and opposite reaction (r1). For example...

...and so forth.

[edit] Early Life

[edit] Oxford

While at Oxford, Isaac Newton ran a pool hall out of his dorm room. He was also famous for working as a loan shark. His classmate, and clandestine lover, Steamboat Euler, used his own invention of the natural logarithm to steadily increase the debt of Isaac's victims. Newton's other associates during that time included Edmund "The Comet" Halley (so-called because of the car-bombs he built from household cleansers) and Robert "Big Pussy" Hooke. The relation with Hooke was not to last, as Newton had his whacked shortly before graduation. On the subject, years later Newton commented "If I have more money than normal men, it is because I didn't bet on the Giants." During a ten-month winter break, Newton bested his fellow students by inventing the first Reflecting Gyroscope, which is capable of altering its internal structure while spinning. He allso killed all the neigbourhoods cats.

[edit] Laws of Graduation

Newton's famous Laws of Graduation, writted by Newton while he was at Oxford, laid the foundation for his future work in classical mechanics:

  1. A grad student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.[1]
  2. The age, 'a', of a doctoral process is directly proportional to the flexibility, 'f', given by the advisor and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, 'm'. [2]
  3. For every action towards graduation there is an equal and opposite distraction. [3]

[edit] Scientific Achievements

[edit] Invention of Gravity

A conspiracy by cartoonists of the day who disliked Newton showed the man having an apple being dropped on his head, and then a speech bubble which said: "Ahhhh, gravity". The initial action of dropping an apple on one's head, and the subsequent reaction which causes one to invent a theory of immense profundity and mathematical genius, was regarded as suspicious by a few. Just what did the apple have in it which caused Newton to be a flippin' genius that day? Adding to the confusion is that Romantic Reprobate, Lord Byron, who wrote:

And this is the sole mortal who could grapple,
Since Adam, with a fall or with an apple.

Despite the fact that no mention of an apple is made in the story of Genesis. Lord Byron never watched his contemporary equivalent of QI (encyclopedia) now did he?

Well, what actually happened was that Newton watched an apple fall from a tree, and only thought about it much longer afterwards. Nor did Newton invent the existence of gravity, he knew it to be so, only he was puzzled as to whether it was a universal force. So the title of this section, is quite inaccurate. But give us a break - we're not Scientific American. And we're talking about an Apple man here.

[edit] Light and Optics

After seeing the heavenly light of the Lord subsequent to an especially hard apple falling on his head, Newton became interested in the properties of light and optics. This led him to create a rad new book on the subject, which he titled Opticks instead of Optics. The reasoning behind this title choice appears to be that he was attempting a hip, x-treme discussion of the subject.

While mucking around with prisms and sunlight, Newton accidentally created the first laser, which shot across Cambridge and hit a local deacon in the eye. Newton hastily retreated, but his work led to later college hi-jinks laser work, such as the later experiments of the Real Genius scientist Chris Knight.

In London he used his newfound knowledge and animal cunning to set up Jodrell Bank Observatory, which he had won from Mr. Jodrell the banker in a possibly rigged poker game. After accidentally starting the Great Fire of London in confirmation of his theory that light traveled in a straight line from the sun through telescopes into wooden buildings, he returned to his beloved apple orchards until the heat died down.

[edit] Theory of Gravity

Sir Isaac Newton developed the theory of gravity in Lincolnshire in 1623 when yet another apple fell and hit his head. Because apples at that time were much larger and heavier than today's iMacs, this caused him a great deal of injury and finally got him out of the orchards for good.

Due to this, Newton was the first person to sell fencing for orchards, develop risk assessment techniques, and to state the theory of gravity, which is simply "Stuff goes down". The entire world was grateful for his discovery. Previous to his declaration, objects and knick-knacks were prone to just floating off in random directions. Cows and sheep were often lost to space. However, the instant Newton uttered the theory of gravity, everything fell to Earth, and things became generally more manageable. New evidence found by botanists now suggests that while Newton was the one that discovered gravity, it was in fact the tree he was sitting under that invented it.

But, this gravitational revelation led to additional statements and observations about how stuff moves, which he then codified into Newton's laws of motion. And yes, you must refer to them as "Newton's" Laws of Motion. He gets very peevish if you don't. And please remember to call him "Sir".

His work in gravity led him to later formulate the "Universal Law of Gravitation," which, if you ask anyone who's studied physics, gravity is the third closest thing in existence to the devil (friction on inclined planes being second closest and Newton himself taking first place as Lucifer himself).

[edit] Theory of Gravy

Sir Isaac Newton developed the theory of gravy after consuming 3 sausages in the Hungarian style of eating. He concluded that only a substance like gravy could be so powerful could actually make the sausages palatable. He was wrong, naturally, and was crushed into a quantum singularity due to insurmountable constipation. It was only discovered in 1987 that a new superblend of gravy could be used to make sausages slightly more enjoyable, but unfortunately contained 98% carcinogens. Sir Isaac also mentioned he favoured lard, often around the penile region.

[edit] Calculus

In 1666, Newton devised a system of symbols and numbers intended to frustrate and confuse the entire world, starting with me in high school (that bastard). Around the same time, a contemporary scientist named Gary Leibniz came up with the same idea, which eventually led to fisticuffs between the two, each claiming that they wore the most uppity stuffed shirt. Eventually, they settled down with many rounds of beers for everyone afterwards, and began drunkenly calculating the area under the barstools with a high degree of accuracy. Just remember, Alcohol and calculus do not mix, don't drink and derive. Additionally, Newton is credited as being the first white and nerdy person to do vector calculus for fun.

[edit] The Rmodynamics

Newton stumbled upon a race of Nigerian imps known as the rmodynamics during his bicycle tour of Eurasia, and as per the custom of the time, immediately enslaved them. Those with paracosmic powers still feel the impact of his tyranny.


[edit] The Lost Laws

Early in 1982, scientists discovered a good sized chest buried in upstate New York that contained the several of Newton's laws that were never made known to the general public. After little debate, the American government decided to shred the evidence, but not before the archaeologists documented the findings. In late 1986, the results of these findings were leaked onto the internet, and the have since been known as the "The Lost Laws". They are as follows:

[edit] Law Four: The Law of Stretchiness

Newton’s fourth law states that all things that appear to be bendy or flexible have a property called stretchiness (S). The pain inflicted by any object (p1) is directly proportional to the stretchiness of that object

math

In other words, will hurt like hell if one is whacked by such an object. Rubber bands are classified under this theory.

[edit] Law Five: The Law of Impossibility

Newton's fifth law states that there are some things that are just impossible (I).

math

For example, your hair can't be longer after a haircut. It's just impossible.

[edit] Law Five: The Law of Shapes

Newton's fifth law has many components that all deal with shapes.

  • The circle is a one sided shape, which is why it's so good for rolling.
  • Triangles are bad for rolling.
  • A circle with a negative radius is a rectangle.
  • Rectangles are just like squares, but longer.

[edit] Other inventions & discoveries

Fellow inventor Thomas Edison, leaving a congratulatory note on the success of his recent invention.
Fellow inventor Thomas Edison, leaving a congratulatory note on the success of his recent invention.

[edit] Later Life

Professor Newton prior to embarking on a mission to find the Ark of the Covenant.
Professor Newton prior to embarking on a mission to find the Ark of the Covenant.

Newton was knighted by King Henry the VIIII, for his work on inventing the rainbow, by using giant prisms, a practice which continues to this day.

The little known fact was that Newton discovered his homoerotic tendencies later in life and was inspired to create the rainbow by his 22yr old Swiss lover. After his lover was stolen by his archrival Robert Hooke, Newton went on a rampage through the Royal Society and destroyed all of Robert Hooke's portraits. This is why to this day we don’t have any portraits of the famous experimenter Robert Hooke.

Famously, Newton worked on the worst joke in history. This was his only attempt at chemistry.

Newton spent the last years of his life battling a vindictive litigation against Stephen Sondheim, which had also claimed the patent on gravity, which Sondheim had attempted to describe in song.

Newton was also given the honorary title of King. King Isaac Newton reigned over Middlesborough from here to there. During the latter years of his reign King Newton caught the L33T-plague when he ate an infected Otter. His Majesty never truly recovered from this unfortunate happenstance and for the remainder of his life spoke in a constant stream of leetspeek. Driven insane by his condition the King took to living in a Yellow Submarine with his bestest friend Ringo Starr. After a full year of this the legendary Glam-Rock guitar virtuoso Albert Einstein tipped the submarine over into the Sea of Green causing an enraged Newton to leave his vessel and engage Einstein in an epic war. With the aid of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Einstein was able to fatally stab Newton in his left nostril, thereby sending his shade to the underworld. Ringo Star gave up his rock star life and underwent extensive plastic surgery in an attempt to escape the wrath of Einstein and spent the next 30 years as remodeled small plastic blue steam locomotive until he was dismissed by British Rail after they received allegations he was involved in the participation of organised ritual sexual satanic abuse with several other well known forms of public transportation which unfortunately resulted in the gang raping of a somewhat over ripe bowl of fruit. The fruit wishes to remain nameless at this time.


After spending a little while comfortably in his afterlife, he was called upon by Robert E. Lee using a Ouija Board, and helped the General to discover the fabled "Elixir of Life", which was then administered to Jay Leno and Eric Clapton in exchange for a multitude of CD's.

[edit] Famous Relatives

  • Wayne Newton: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Sir Isaac Newton, inherited his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's sense of showmanship, but failed develop an appreciation for classical mechanics.
  • Preston Newton: Isaac Newton's older brother never amounted to much.
  • Olivia Newton-John: Contrary to popular belief has no blood relation to Sir Isaac Newton, though she has been vaginally penetrated by his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson, Wayne on several occasions.

[edit] See also

v • d • e
Barmy British Stuff


This article needs love
This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love.
Please give some love by rewriting it.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Newton"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaterschronarion.org