Ski
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“'Skier' is the politest way of saying 'c*nt'.”
~ Churchill on having a skier push in on him
The ski is an amphibious vertebrate of the surfboard family that has been domesticated for human transportation.
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[edit] Anatomy
The ski is noted by bamboozled biologists for its strange anatomy, which consists of a lengthy backbone and nothing else. How skis manage to reproduce with absolutely no reproductive organs or cellular DNA remains a complete mystery, and yet they do.
[edit] Skis in the Wild
Wild skis are often found by the millions in either snowy or aquatic environments, often congregated around motor boats and ski lifts. As soon at it is born, a male ski will select a female ski from thousands of potential candidates and bond for life. Extreme caution must be exercised when approaching a pair of skis in the wild because of the male ski's naturally aggressive territorial instinct.
[edit] How to Mount Skis
- Play soothing romantic music in the background to put the skis in a relaxed mood.
- Share a glass of fine wine with the skis.
- Remove all of your clothing.
- Compliment the skis on their waxed sheen and elegant slenderness.
- Tenderly embrace the skis warmly in a warm tender embrace. (DANGER, DANGER!: Be very careful here, as even the most docile of domesticated skis have been known to suddenly bite their rider's legs off when touched in an inappropriate manner.)
- Carefully insert your feet into the indentations on the ventral side of the skis and secure firmly with several layers of duct tape.
Once the skis are safely mounted, the rider must maintain telepathic contact with them at all times in order to relay directions and suggested safe speed information. Since skis do not have brains or any form of nervous system, it is necessary to think very loudly at them.
[edit] Theoretical Origin of the Ski
Evolutionists of great faith fervently believe that today's modern skis evolved from the primitive skate (a species of poisonous cucumber that lived billions of years ago in the salt-laden seas of the Vlasic era). Scientific creationists, on the other hand, have gathered compelling fossil and genetic evidence that skis were created ex nihilo by David Hasselhoff in 1989.
