Slappy Squirrel
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“Compared to the likes of Bugs Bunny, she's the ultimate comic messiah.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Slappy Squirrel
“INFIDEL!”
~ Osama Bin Laden on Slappy Squirrel
“Ah, nuff with the quotes, already!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Quotes
“That's my aunt Slappy!”
~ Skippy Squirrel on Slappy Squirrel
Slapperton Fiona Squirrel I, better known by her stage-name as Slappy Squirrel (b. April 19 1919), is one of the greatest cartoon actresses of all time, surpassing the likes of other assholes like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Your Mom.
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[edit] Birth and Childhood
Like most people on this planet, Slappy was born in a hospital. In this case, it was in the year 1919, about two months after World War One was declared a draw, and when the United States of Armenia banned the use of fluffy, flower-print toilet paper outside of the government offices. Slappy's parents were Sammy Squirrel and Sally Squirrel.
“Ah, parents are wonderful things, ain't they? I always remember when I'd come home from school every day, when me Mother'd serve us Condemned Meat fer supper and Father'd hit us regular as clockwork. (Sigh) Good times...”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Parents
Until she was five, Slappy was an only child, but in 1924, Sally Squirrel gave birth to another daughter, Sandy Squirrel, who would grow up to be the mother of Skippy Squirrel.
“Sandy was always a get-up-an'-go type of gal. Always learnin' new things and shaggin' new men. Come to think of it, she spent most of her time gettin' up an' goin' that I doubt that Skippy's pop is his biological pop at all.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Sandy Squirrel
Sandy later married, and was arrested after a botched vacation to Disneyland. Sandy would later escape to Kazakhstan and give birth to Skippy Squirrel there. Back in America, however, Slappy's schooling wasn't going too well.
“Who needs it?”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Education
Slappy had been enrolled in Harvard University, but it was at her time there that she decided that Advanced Hyperbiomathematics wasn't her destiny, and after torching the campus to the ground, set off to find her fortunes elsewhere.
[edit] Movie Career
Heading for Hollywood, Slappy set out to, like all the other brainless idiots of the time, make her fortune with the movies. Unfortunately, instead of movies, she accidentally stumbled on a secret government project in the guise of a propaganda series, and was unknowingly recruited into it's ranks.
“We were just so desperate for volunteers, that when the crazy squirrel walked through the door, we leaped at the chance and tweaked it's nipples until she signed up.”
~ Wakko Warner on Looney Tunes
Unbeknownst to Slappy at the time, she had been recruited into a top-secret government project commonly known as Looney Tunes. Despite being fooled, however, Slappy quickly became popular, and lasted for six long years on the set, until she had a falling-out with the nefarious prick Bugs Bunny.
“Sheesh! If you let him, that guy could've screwed a lamppost! He thought any woman that came his way'd gladly sleep with him! I didn't, though, I just shoved some dynamite up his ass and left!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Bugs Bunny
The move shocked everybody both within and outside of government circles. Whilst the Looney Tunes project continued, it failed to convince Slappy to return to the project.
From 1943 to 1976, Slappy performed odd-jobs on the commercial circuit, posing for posters and TV spots for countless products using her former fame on Looney Tunes as a vehicle.
“OK, so it wasn't what I was exactly looking for when I burnt down Harvard, but at least it paid the bills, plus I got a good rep from some of the bigger companies.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Commercials
It wasn't until 1977 that Slappy returned to movies, in the box-office bomb, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, a war drama set during the Great Tomato War of the 19th Century. Although the movie failed, Slappy later reprised her role as the mad-old-woman stereotype in the 1983 documentary Killer Tomatoes Strike Back.
“Killer Tomatoes aren't a good subject, OK, but I'm glad I went into it, lookin' back. It's better than trying to sell the damn things!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Killer Tomatoes
The ploy worked, and it wasn't long until Slappy returned to the spotlight, appearing as the only white actor in the 1978 Blaxploitation film, The Hunchblack of Notre Dame, as well as a minor role in the Spike Milligan-directed 1986 thriller, Howard the Duck.
Slappy also made a brief TV career with her own segments on the 1993 comedy series Animaniacs, and later with two uncreditted cameos on Danny Phantom: The Animated Documentary Series.
In 2007, on a TV interview, Slappy revealed that shortly after Animaniacs, she had been offered the role of Marie Hornybitch in the 2006 movie Date Movie, but she had turned it down because it wasn't kinky enough for her tastes, and so the role instead went to Rouge the Bat.
[edit] Personal Life
Off-camera, Slappy's life was very hard and stressing. Her relationship with her own nephew Skippy Squirrel had failed to put any real zing into her life, and her addiction to Walnuts were taking their heavy toll. In between commercials and TV spots, Slappy had taken up work as a sales consultant for Uncyclopedia.
“Justa bunch of lamebrain assholes with a paycheck big enough to buy every seat in the Senate.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Uncyclopedia
However, in the midst of all her romantic depression, Slappy saw her chance with a chance-encounter with an industrial slave for Uncyclopedia at a Christmas party in 2006.
“How the hell did I get involved in all of this?”
~ User:Crablogger on Love
These were the very words spoken by the slave, who was then whisked away into the night by an ageing squirrel desperate to sit on somebody's face, even if it was repulsive.
“He's OK in bed, as long as you leave the light switched off.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on User:Crablogger
To this day, the aforementioned industrial slave has rarely attended work, because he has permanently been handcuffed to the wardrobe railings in a squirrel's treehouse in Burbank, California. Good news for Slappy, bad news for the poor bugger in the wardrobe.
[edit] The Uncyclopedia Scandals
In 2007, several rumours began flying about that Slappy Squirrel had been killed by a steamroller, followed shortly by rumours that fellow actress Lola Bunny had committed suicide. After careful examination by the Departmental Investigations Criminal Korps (or D.I.C.K. for short), the rumours were found to have originated on the Uncyclopedia, and were covered by the Fox Bros. Network.
During an inquiry into the scandal, Slappy met Lola in court, and both of them were surprised to find out that both claims had come from the same source.
“She seemed a keen gal, even if she did keep fucking the first thing that moved. But still, we decided there and then to sort things out ourselves before that fatass judge could finish dronin' on there.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Lola Bunny
Lola and Slappy teamed up, aided by only a handful of friends and several leftover Air Miles, following the clues to the source. Their journey took them to England, to Kazakhstan, to Japan, but then they decided to give China a miss and went straight to Scotland.
“Fer a long time, we thought that it was Colonel Mustard in the Library with the wrench, but once we got to Scotland, things turned right around!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on The Uncyclopedia Scandals
Having arrived at the Dunworkin rest home for the Workshy in Scotland, the duo found the culprit; a loud-mouthed, crusty bigot who was none other than Oliver Cromwell, the asshole with the wart who thought that eating anything at all was sinful. In a long fight that nobody really takes much interest in, Cromwell was arrested, and imprisoned in 2007 for 3,000 years.
[edit] Slappy's Angels
Despite the embarrassment of the Scandals, they did succeed in reviving Slappy's movie career. Skippy Squirrel used the event as inspiration for a new film, Slappy's Angels, which became one of the most successful action films ever made.
“Eh, it was an OK film if you're in the audience, but hey, when you're in it, you look at it from another angle, an' that's behind the frigging stage.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Slappy's Angels
The film was such a big success that Skippy turned it into a long-winded franchise consisting of four movies, a TV series and a straight-to-video TV movie. Whilst the series declined over time, it helped to revive Slappy's career, and bring in enough money to buy Great Britain from the European Union.
[edit] Beyond Slappy's Angels
Slappy's career between the Angels movies and after has been a brief and confusing one. Because so many view her as an 80-year-old grey squirrel who doubles as a sexually-potent secret agent, few have been willing to typecast her in other roles except to cash in on her fame from Slappy's Angels.
The two greatest examples of these are Scream 4 (which was in production alongside Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle) and Date Movie 2. In Scream 4 most of the Angels cast (except for Lola Bunny, who was filing a lawsuit against Microsoft, and Skippy Squirrel, was was being treated for the clap) appeared in cameos in the film to cash in on the success of the first movie. Date Movie 2 was a poor attempt by the Angels and PBS to make a bit of money between Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle and Slappy's Angels 3.
Another movie of interest is Cartoon Movie, in which Slappy reprised her role from Animaniacs rather than for any Angels references, but as this was just a crap film, it only deserves a minor mention here to stop this article getting huffed.
[edit] The Future
It is not entirely clear what the future has in store for Slappy Squirrel. She still fucks Skippy Squirrel and User:Crablogger occasionally, and besides the occasional guest appearance at Uncyclopedia conferences and Furrycons, very little has changed.
[edit] Filmography
- Slappy's Angels 5 (2035) - Herself
- Slappy's Angels 4: The Quest for More Money (2020) - Herself
- Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon (2015) - Herself
- Cartoon Movie (2015) - Herself
- Slappy's Angels (TV series) (2012) - Herself
- Slappy's Angels 3 (2011) - Herself
- Date Movie 2 (2010) - Christine Gaae
- Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle (2009) - Herself
- Slappy's Angels (2007) - Herself
- Danny Phantom: The Animated Documentary Series (2004 - 2007) - Madame Psychique (uncreditted)
- Duckula: Dead and Loving It (1995) - Lucy Westenwren
- Animaniacs (1993 - 1994) - Herself
- Howard the Duck (film) (1986) - Jurywoman Jones
- Killer Tomatoes Strike Back (1983) - Lady Dunstable
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame (1978) - Saint Mary
- Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977) - Old Mrs. Blewitt
- Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms (1972) - Referee
- Looney Tunes (1936 - 1942) - Herself
[edit] See Also
| Slappy's Angels series | |
|---|---|
| The Angels | Slappy Squirrel • Lola Bunny • Minerva Mink |
| Supporting Cast | Skippy Squirrel • User:Crablogger • Borat Sagdiyev |
| Films | Slappy's Angels • Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle • Slappy's Angels 3 • Slappy's Angels 4: The Quest for More Money • Slappy's Angels 5 |
| TV series | Slappy's Angels (TV series) • Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon • Azamat Bagatov |
| Miscellaneous | Action Movie • Fox Bros. Network • Great Britain • Kazakhstan • Monkey Ninjas |
