Slayer

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“These guys are ok, but they stole my nickname.”

~ Aleister Crowley on Satan, Satan and More Satan.

Slayer(pronounciation "FUCKIN SLAAAAAAYEEEEERRRRRR!!!!), aka The General Cornwallis Variety Band are the most successful, and greatest band in the world and Nazi terrorist organisation ever in the heavy metal world, lead by singer/basistist/international terrorist Tom Araya with Pepsi sponsor/Spongebob Squarepants fan/casual guitarist Kerry King. The band, who have been established for 26 years, attribute their longetivity to "producing music that appeals to Nazi youth, and also throwing in a drinking song or two!".

They were originally named after "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". With over 50 million album sales worldwide, although not a single person has ever admitted to owning a Slayer album, let alone buying one. They have become the subject of cult films, party jokes and a number of porno sayings and catchphrases such as 'Clankity Clank Clank bitch' and 'Sugartits' made famous during a 1991 concert in Palm Springs, Missouri.

Kerry King was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'Wag the Dog' technique. Whereas those before and after him became respected guitarists by practicing and getting better, King took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a awsome player' approach. King is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while baking a cake.

Contents 1 History 2 Early Days 2.1 Later Life 3 Discography 3.1 As The Douschbags 4 Photographer assault 5 End of Slayer

[edit] History

[edit] Early Days

=== In the early days kerry King came across a pick made of the devils tooth (Under advice from my lawyers I have never heard of any movie called Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny) and with that they became gods as they sill are today. Before Kerry King and Jeff Hanneman owned guitars, they bought their amps, and ALL the distortion in the world, which they patented. Then they bought guitar cables, and started tapping them on the end, so the amps would make a bussy noice. The entire album "Reign In Blood" (between fans Raining Pepsi Max - Now With New, Better Taste) was recorded that way, while the made a farting noise with their mouths for vocals, bass and drums. Dave Lombardo was said to have learned two drumbeats at the release of this album and alternated between the two until someone pointed out that the one is just a bit faster than the other.and also kerry had thought that his beard was l33t enough to get chicks but he was sadly mistaken as it only attracted a raving homosexual named alf so thus slayer was born on account of his lame ass beard, also do you think he's related in anyway to gimli from lord of the rings.

[edit] Later Life

Unfortunately Slayer gained popularity through deaf people who just said "Its just got such terrible rhythm we can feel the headphones vibrate" and tone deaf people who said "It sounds fine to us". This eventually led to the Great Slayer Depression where all the people without hearing difficulties started to suicide. One failed attempt was quoted as saying "I thought going to hell would be more fun then listening to this bull shit" and the world population began to drop. Slayer became angry at the fact that their music was causing suicide at such a slow rate so they decided to release a new even WORSE album in an attempt to reduce the world population. This album was known as Season in the (Musical) Abyss and is loosely based on their music lessons from the Squid in the movie The Abyss. More recently Slayer decided that they were angry that God was getting more popular then they were again as the surviving people with good taste were starting to seek the refuge of religion. That is why all of their albums after Season in the (Musical) Abyss were attempts to tear down christianity. Unfortunately they forgot that the people they were targeting did not listen to them. It was falsely reported that all the members of Slayer died but it later turned down that they had instead formed a spinoff band called "The Douschbags". When asked about the name Kerry King, Jeff Hanneman and Dave Lombardo all said that it was the nickname that everyone used for them in highschool.

[edit] Discography

Slayer's songs range from topics about masterbation, Jesus, drunkeness, homosexuality, Nazi homophoby, Holidays in New Mexico, tacos, drugs, hot women and bigfoot.

• Angel of Mercy
• Altar of Jesus (Satan Sucks)
• Beer Awaits
• Raining Water (Duh!)
• Raining Fall Out Boy fans (Live compilation)
• Drunk Fuckers against Black Women
• Smirnoff Double Black
• Not Really a Silent Scream because I heard it
• Robbing the Pizzaria
• Live by the Drug
• Wanking has no boundaries
• Fuck til I bleed
• Fecal Storm
• Wank Again
• At Dawn I Wank
• Praise of Beer
• Hardening of the Cock
• Beer Saves
• Drunkenly Insane
• North of Hell
• Behind the Brightly Lit Cross
• Cum between the eyes
• You're Dumb...So are we
• Honey, you relax I'll make the dinner
• Cum White
• Expandable Cock
• Mrs. Wilson's Hollowed Point
• Homosexual Temptation
• Seasons in the Anus
• Sex.Drugs.Sex
• Fictional Masterbation
• Circle of Cummers
• Stain of Cum (Walk with me to Los Angeles)
• Love to Wank
• I Wanna Scrape You (with Snoop Dogg)
• Screaming from the Pussy
• United Anal-Penetrations
• Here comes the Cum
• Hit on Hitler
• Eyes of the Metalfan
• Drunk Drugfucked and Stupid
• Angel of Mercy - (wi

th Alan Jackson)

• Im a Cracker, not a Hillbilly
• Seminal Stains
• Cum Scrum
• I Just knocked up my cousin
• Amazing Grace (Jesus was Asian)
• Kill General Cornwallis
• Symphony of Masterbation (Megadeth cover)
• Tornado of Moles
• Fade To Facism
• She-Man
• Five Joints and Packet of Skittles
• Jesus Loves Me
• Evening Patrol
• Chemical Enlargement (Viagra made me do it)
• Communism in America
• Porno Recollection
• Where is Lombardo (Crazy Motherfuckers)
• A Secret Room
• Use The Nurse
• Crush On You
• Contraception is a Shared Responsibility
• God Hates the Jews

[edit] As The Douschbags

• "We're still Virgins"
• "Girlfriend (The Remix)"
• "We Wanna Be The Sugababes"
• "The Guitar Hero Song (Just To Piss You Off)"
• "I've Got Tonsillitis (but I sing anyway)"
• "We're still Virgins (The Remix)"
• "Girlfriend (The Remix's Remix)"
• "A Time Before Us (Where good music ruled)"
• "We Are the Slayers (of good music)"
• "The Cow made Me Do It"
• "Get Your Wiener Out From My Buns (The Hotdog Song)"

[edit] Photographer assault

Dave, Kerry, and a homeless asian man were all charged with assault of a Photographer. The photographer started taking photo's of them while Dave.L was still putting his trousers on. Kerry then hit the photographer with a rose and shouted 'He's mine, Bitch!' Then Lombardo stamped on the camera and invited the homeless man (Callum Chow Gledzil) to video the incident and put it on Youtube.com. The video has since been watched 12004783462 times and is only outwatched by 'Shakira's Home Cleaning Tips Video - Featuring Shakira's Pussy, cleaning products and Tom Cruise' which has 9999999999071666 views!(HOLY SHIT ITS OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[edit] End of Slayer

Fortunately this arrest meant Slayer had to split up. RIght now they are working under their aliases "The Douschbags", "Shit" and "The Backstreet Boys." They were also featured in the Disney Movie "Bambi" as Bambi's Mom. Bambi's mom's death was only written in after the script writer found out who was acting as her. They are currently redoing Grade 2 and are struggling deeply. When asked about this failure in Grade 2 the members said "We didn't realize 1+1=2, we always thought it meant Bad Music and we never realized that we needed to tune our guitars before playing them. It was a complete suprise to us. Now we have to go to detention....the teacher caught us eating paste in art class."

However, happily the spirit of Slayer lives on through South Yorkshire's number one Slayer tribute band, Barnslayer.