Sleep

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Zzz... I feel like I'm going to fall asleep...

Wake up now!!!

Sleep is an addiction. You are most likely viewing this page because, having spent all day at your computer, you are now having trouble falling asleep.

“Snorlax...Snore...”

~ Snorlax on sleep

“I demaned to have a snooze!”

~ Withnail on sleep

“I find that I am tired of sleeping...”

~ Insomniac on sleep

“You'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead”

~ Andrew Jackson on sleep

“Fuck this being awake business, i'm going to sleep”

~ narcoleptics on sleep

"um..." Some sleepy person

Sleep was designed by the creators of Uncyclopedia to keep You from making continuous edits of pages.

Did you know? Sheep never sleep, because they are fucking awesome.

1 SLEEP: The Covert Killer
2 Sleep Is For The Weak
3 The Cure For Sleep
4 The Clown Theory

[edit] SLEEP: The Covert Killer

Sleep is a common nutrient deficency in the caffiene stream caused by an over-abundance of blood. This condition occurs to over 99% of people within their lifetimes, and in most cases the condition, when apparently out of the system, returns at a later date. Sleep has several common symptoms. The afflicted enters a coma-like state in which conscious motor functions cease, brain activity is reduced, stupidity increases, and the afflicted is entirely unaware of the outside world. This coma can last from a few minutes to several days. Sleep symptoms occur most frequently during regularly scheduled television showings of Fear Factor. Often, sleep sufferers (synonym: "zombies") will report hallucinatory experiences, such as: "cavemen playing pinball". If a friend is suffering from any one of the symptoms it is advisable to inject no less that 15lbs of caffiene directly into their veins. This should combat the effects of Sleep. If this does not work, try any kind of physical contact, e.g Shaking, battering with a large object, or removing the limbs. If sleep persists immediately contact a morgue, as they are likely already dead.

It is a medical fact that sleep is the number two cause of unplanned death in America, right after McDonald's.

[edit] Sleep Is For The Weak

“Got a .38 Special up on the shelf; I'll sleep when I'm dead. If I start acting stupid I'll shoot myself; I'll sleep when I'm dead.”

~ Warren Zevon on sleep

It is a generally acknowledged fact that people who sleep are weaklings, and deserve to be viciously humiliated. As such finger-pointing is de rigueur, drawing on people who are asleep is a natural consequence in social gatherings. Futhermore if you fall into an alcohol induced sleep, you may wake up with various parts of your bodily hair missing - such as eyebrows.

In fact, when you sleep, you lose POWER!!!, which proves you are a weakling. People like Maddox and Mr. T have POWER!!! because they do not sleep. One day, the person with the most POWER!!! will overthrow God, and become the most powerful Jedi ever.

Brian Eno, certified sleep technician.

The ONLY exception to this is cats. Cats sleep 10 hours a day or more. Their POWER!!! is not damaged by sleep, because cats are just that awesome. You're not ever 1/100000th as awesome as a cat, so don't even TRY it.

Typically it is also considered morally imperative, or in the very least civicly responsible, to improve on their drooling faces with the nearest Sharpie. Popular choices--in order of statistical frequency--are: rimmed glasses, mustaches (preferabley Hitler-esque or French), and poetry (preferably drunken). If the discoverer also happens to be drunk, equally ugly, or British, waking by urination appears to be acceptable. A secret message may lead you to a spot where no one sleeps.

sleeping kills many animals a day.Like lions, cows, bigfoot, fishys, and people like YOU.

[edit] The Cure For Sleep

In addition to the caffiene injection and phyiscal actions mentioned above, there are several other means of combating sleep symptoms if they are availible. Drugs such as methamphetamines, World of Warcraft(Pfft just play ogame.org,.de,.it,.jp hell just play any ogame server, it will keep you awake, Ogame but be scared of Sorcerer and the muffin master and super dupa WP and the penguins, mexican dancing, and opiates can be used to suppress symptoms. Strangely, there is an occasional positive externality associated with cosmetic surgery that cures the problem entirely. Sleepers can also be woken up by placing one of their hands in warm fluid; a common waking techique used in Britain involves the use of urine.

Another more natural way of curing sleep is simply staying awake. Doctors advise against this because they do not believe in the added benefits of ultimate enlightenment. During the self-treatment of sleep, You go through certain mental phases which to begin with remind of reality but luckily don't stay that way. After three or four days, your body will want to sleep, but unless you're a weak loser, you stay awake. After seven days (28 if you are a rat), you should reach ultimate enlightenment .

Here's a video about sleeping.(John Lennon has a cameo appearence where he falls off his chair.)

[edit] The Clown Theory

There is an ongoing debate among scientists regarding the theory that sleep is caused by clowns so that they can more easily eat children. This theory is largely hinged on the hypothesis that since no one has ever seen a clown sleep, it is therefore logical to assume that clowns never sleep, and since clowns primarily feed on children, the daring new philosophical field of logicamality dictates that sleep is the fault of clowns.

The detractors to this theory say that clowns do not possess any psychic powers since they are regular humans like you and me. They obviously have not watched any movies, otherwise they would know the horrible truth. Nevertheless, their viewpoints must be addressed as seriously as possible, so that we, the truth-knowers, can punch them at a time and place of our choosing.

The Clown Theory states that clowns constantly emit waves from their brains that cause the gastrointestinal disorder known as sleep. Once enough people around a particular clown have fallen asleep, they will hunt for children to eat. Once their diabolical hunger is appeased, they continue their front as stupid hooligans, until the time when they must consume or perish.