Sliced bread
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“Still not as good as puberty, unless we're talking about young boys”
~ Pedobear
“This being sliced bread, one of the greatest things ever sliced, with the capability to blow your crust clean off, you gotta ask yourself one question: Do I feel baked? Well do ya, punk?”
~ Clint Eastwood on sliced Bread
“To some extent, I'd say the whole thing's a bit of hype.”
~ Sliced bread on sliced Bread
“An anagram of Edible Cards - coincidence? I think not...”
~ Jesus on sliced Bread
“In Russia, sliced bread eats you!”
~ Russian reversal on on sliced Bread
Invented in 1337, sliced bread is considered one of the crowning achievements of mankind, until the birth of Clint Eastwood. Apparently, it was invented by Bono.
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[edit] History
The toaster was born in 10000 BC, but had no prey until bread and languished in ranches for years waiting for the invention of bread, which was to occur centuries later, by Dr. Med. Einstein in 1959, who claimed this invention for his, until the scientific method proved him wrong. In later years, humans re-invented the toaster, which led to the creation of the Cylons. The Cylons then started killing humans. All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.
Recently discovered tablets have suggested that sliced bread may have been invented as early as 300 AD by the Hittites but the earliest proven existence of sliced bread was in 1337 when a group of monks convened in Scotland to solve the shortage of potatoes [mainly due to them only existing in America at this time], bread, and ale; staples of the Scottish diets. To combat this the monks decided to slice the limited amount of loafed breads into a virtually unlimited amount of bread slices to feed their starving people. Sliced potatoes were invented at the same time but as their wern't any in Scotland at this time this proved a bit pointless.
The toaster is also the only know man-made space-time wormhole. Scientists noticed that due to the laws of nature, which said something about bread somewhere, they weren't allowed to create toast from bread, as this would raise the question "Where does the bread go?". To combat this, each toaster contains a wormhole to a toast-growing plant run by explosive badgers, employed at minimum wage. The badgers plant the bread in the soil, take a piece of ready-grown toast and insert it into the wormhole. This process takes approximately three minutes, depending on the toaster. This was noted in 1493 XQ as a milestone for man in its ongoing war against nature, and possibly terrorism.
[edit] Modern Applications
Today sliced bread has evolved to do much more than simply feed the starving masses. Thanks to modern applications such as nuclear fission and the microprocessor scientists have been able to create toast out of sliced bread, a substance 50% warmer than regular sliced bread. Further advances in computer technology have led to bread-related oddities such as the Internet toaster.
[edit] Sliced bread and banking
According to statistics released by the First National Food Bank (member FDIC), sliced bread accounts for over 50% of gross revenues of the commercial banking sector in North America. Investors often ask their bankers "will this make me any bread"; the various new-account promotions offered by First Proctor Silex Savings Bank would be in far less demand were it not for the invention of sliced bread.
[edit] Controversial
Sliced bread may contain bread and religion, which are both highly addictive.
This could be the explanation for Pieter Jan's strange behaviour when eating it.
There is an extremely large argument about sliced bread, debating what people said before sliced bread was invented. The most common theory is "This is the greatest thing since regular bread, sandals or yo-mamma jokes."
[edit] The Future of Sliced Bread
Evolutionary scientists believe that sliced bread will one day evolve into sliced toast, and are currently carrying out research on the first known piece of sliced toast that was discovered in 1989 by Ms. Edna Pickle. Ms. Pickle (89) said of the discovery, " I went into the kitchen one morning and found the sliced toast in my toaster - it was amazing: like nothing I'd ever seen before. Goodness knows how it got there."
Mr. Goodness, her next door neighbour was repeatedly questioned about the sliced toast, until he unfortunately died from unrelated headwounds.
Dr. E Vilhooshunry later said, "He wasn't for talking. But we'll find out if this is the missing link we're looking for. And if it is...it could be the most important discovery in the history of bread itself."
[edit] See Also
- Fire
- The Wheel
- Toaster
- The Official List of the Best Things in Existence
- Self-toasting bread (better)
| Strong Concept Needed This article's topic is significant enough to deserve a better treatment. If any inspiration comes bursting into your skull, go ahead and do something about it. |
| Preceded by: 1927 | Best Thing in Existence 1927 AD - 1982 AD | Succeeded by: Sesame Street's "We'll Miss You Mr. Hooper" Episode |
