Slovakia
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| Motto: "Steal what is not fixed or somebody will do it instead of you." | |||||
| Anthem: The Government Totally Sucks (track no. 6 from the Tenacious D movie soundtrack) | |||||
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| Capital | unknown village near Pressburg (shown in movie Hostel) | ||||
| Largest city | Luník IX | ||||
| Official languages | Latin, Slovak Language, Slotan, American | ||||
| Government | Despotic Empire | ||||
| -Eternal President | Roberto de la Fićo (pronounced "Robertco de la Fucko")
(Robert the Parrot) | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Szlota János, Csák Máté Trencséni, Jerzy Janosik, Országh Pál , psychopath from Hostel movie | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1993 A.D. | ||||
| Currency | Goats, Sheep, Andy Warhol's Paintings | ||||
| Religion | national slotaism | ||||
Slovakia (Slovak: Slovensko) or Suckvakia, officially the Slovak-Goat Empire (Slovak , Slotan: Slovensko-Kozie Cisárstvo), is a landlocked country in Central Europe, bordered by Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine, Hungary and, the most significant neighbour state of Molvania. Slovakia is member state of the European Empire since May 1 2004. Slovaks are very well known for their love towards all nations, peoples, around of them, Slovaks share the biggest part of their love with Hungary. Even the president of Slovakia can't help himself and he masturbates to the photos of Hungarian prime minister. However, in the year 2669 Slovakia launched a nuclear warhead on Hungary and killed the national cow of Hungary; thus this nice period ended. However, Austria started to hit on Slovakia. Germany got suspicious told a young, dumbass Slovakian to shoot an Austrian Archduke. (Hell, if it worked back in the day, imagine how stupid they'll feel when the irony of country sodomy comes back to screw them over, literally.)
“Eastern Europe? Now that's upper class story!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Slovakia
“I don't see Slovakia anywhere, on any pre-Trianon map.”
~ László Bártos on The Empire Illegaly Formed from Upper Hungary
“Are you nucking futs?!”
~ Czech residents on the former Czechoslovakia
Ever since the destruction of Czechoslovakia, the back end of the singing duet has gotten the short end of the stick. Nobody remembers Slovakia. Unlike their semi-neighbor, Poland, people actually forget that they forgot it. Others, who do remember it, quickly forget it again, as they are unable to determine whether the people there are Slovaks, Slovenians, or Pirates. Denizens of Slovakia have an elaborate and secret history brimming with porn and sexual obsession (hence its international nickname 'Slowfuckia'), which can be obtained in exchange for a barrel of cheese or some fattened Czechs.
It is curiously important to note that Slovaks remain firmly opposed to the ideas of "modern transportation". Czechs seem to have them convinced that there is only Škoda, and the poor bastards have never recovered from that lapse of judgment. After a recent national birthday party, they started work on building a road, as newer Škoda models have finally started to resemble normal cars. They reportedly reach speeds approaching 10km/h.[1]
Slovakia continues to be the world's premier exporter of coffee filters. But due to not so recent invasion of Starbucks, Slovakia's economy has been rendered insignificant. Slovakia is also the world's leading exporter of wax, though since the recent arrival of electricity to the country, wax earnings have declined. To decrease shocking unemployment rates, and give its people something to do, the Slovakiorific emperor has declared that every day is Hobo Hunting Day. These tactics have proved to be extremely useful, and are propelling Slovakia into the minefield of today's modern society. Although their hobo issue is all but solved, Slovakia faces other issues. In an effort to save themselves, they leech off of the resources of the CIA CCCP (Countries Constantly Confronting Prostitution) SWAT (Swearing and Walking Asbestos Treaty) organizations.
Recent admittance of Slovakia to the Arab League has made Slovakia a global purveyor of marbles. More revealing facts about Slovakia can be gleaned from a recent documentary movie named "Eurotrip" (2004). Another very insightfull documentary is the Nobel Prize awarded "Hostel" (2005) (Pitty that both movies were filmed in Czech Republic). The director Eli Roth and his crew of 75 penguins lost their lives in the effort to lift the veil of secrecy around the mysterious Slovak national food supposedly called "Halušky".
Contents |
[edit] History
Slovakia was founded in 1993.
[edit] Politics
Slovakia gained its absolute political independence on 1st of January 1993. This day is known as the Independence Day; however, it is celebrated on July 4th, together with the rest of the world. The major leaders, later considered as national heros, unified all Slovak provinces in order to form Slovak-Goat Empire. The first ruler, Vladimír Mečiar (Vladimír I.) also founded new ideology generally known as Mechiarism (Slovak: Mečiarizmus).
Six years of prosperity was interrupted by great fight for control over the empire in 1998. Finally, the throne was taken by Mikuláš Dzurinda (Mickey the Terrible) for 8 years. Slovak-Goat Empire was thrown into the war with Hungary and many people were suffering.
In 2005 was Mickey the Terrible beaten by contemporary ruler Robert Fico (Robert the Parrot), the indirect ascendant of Mečiar's family. Robert the Parrot declared peace with Hungary and finished the bloody war. Vladimír Mečiar became one of the major councils of the new emperor, together with Ján Slota, the well known fighter for Hungarian rights.
The fight ended and Hungary was given the sacred Lego blocks from which a house was made from, all of Slovakia was made from Lego blocks, and with that they enjoyed a joyful feast of lego turkey and peas.
Some politologists pointed out that Slovaks never proved that they can rule themselves. The strong influcence of goats in the Slovak-Goat Empire supports this hypotesis. It was even suggested that the empire is already under full control of goats and some authorities are convinced that the goats are masqueraded Hungarians.
[edit] Culture
The majority of Slovaks suffer from Pagophobia (the fear of ice), and therefore their religion dictates they cannot consume drinks that are chilled with ice. Slovak tradition strictly states that children must never catch a cold, less their mighty pagan god strike them dead. Hence the long underwear worn daily.
The famous artist Andy Warhol or his name in Slovak: Perkelt S. Haluškami was actually born in the small village of Kurvia Hora, Slovakia, and his Slovak background had a totally no influence on him at all. He didn't even know about it. Despite this, angry villagers in the Tatra mountains, walked to New York city in the early 90's and plundered an art gallery after an art gallery, until the Slovaks had reclaimed all of the precious art of their lost national hero. The result is that Andy Warhol paintings and sculptures are used as a currency in the local trade economy. Current Exchange Rates: One famous painting of Marilyn Monroe, Mao Zedong or Campbell's Tomato Soup gives 1/4 of a goat or 7 sheeps.
Any religion is strictly forbidden, what lead the empire into the conflict with Vatican. This religionless is naturally implied by homosexual majority. Another well-known cause is socialism (Slovakia was a socialistic country from 10BC to 2050AC). Notice that Slovak people under the socialistic rule wanted to be Christians, what was prohibited by the great commrade Lenin and his accomplices, but now Slovak people tend to be like other modern countries thus refusing Christianity (actually Budhism and Islam are growing in popularity). This is very big poppycock.
[edit] Sport
The main sport practiced by Slovaks is jealousy, virtually everyone practices it and it has become even more popular than hobo hunting. A typical everyday encounter goes something like this:
- A: Hi, how are you?
- B: Fine.
- A: Jerkface.
(Of course this would be said in the language of Slavonian which is a cross between ancient Chineese and armadillo.) Another common sport is Škoda-racing where Škoda drivers try to out-drive fast-paced walkers killing the most hobos, with the walkers woving to not walk faster than 10km/h for the sake of fairness.
There have been rumors that hockey is also quite popular in Slovakia, however this is unlikely due to the fact that the majority of Slovaks suffer from Pagophobia (the fear of ice), and it would be goat-hockey anyway.
The most popular Slovak sport, right after the jealousy, are all kinds of Stealing Arts, very popular among Gypsy majority. However, the high society (Mafia, Politicians and Lawyers) prefer to play friendly game known as hide-and-steal. The rules of this game already become part of the Slovak Constitution (officialy written in Latin to be easily understood by public). This happened after the throne was taken by contemporary emperor Robert Fico, better known as Robert the Parrot.
[edit] Music
Slovaks love hip-hop (or not). Their favourite is H16 (or not).
Their TOP 10 (according to the rappoganda):
- No Name (Despite popular belief, these guys do have name, it is: WEAREOBSESSEDWITHNECROPHILLIA and play br000000tal death metal, however their producer thought they should be called No Name as it has a very deep meaning. It doesn't.)
- No Choice
- H16 (As their name suggests, a gansta rappa group from the Petrzalka Ghetto made out of 16 year old school boys)
- DJ Vec
- Kontrainfarkt (could be translated as anti-heart attack)
- Druhá Strana
- A.M.O
- Drtivá Menšina
- CISTYCHUJ
- Lúza
- Názov Stavby
- Slovenská hudobná skupina
- Halo Pabera
- Zverinec
- Poduška
- Bartolomej Slivka
- Laska moja 'de sy, chibas my ta 'de sy
Officially, though, they love the band Desmod and Peter Cmorik.
[edit] Transport
The official transport system for Slovakia is the cow. The Railway system of Slovakia is also a cow. Slovakia's national airline "Slovkie-Air" was also a cow but with a seat belt. This was upgraded in 2003 to a brand new fleet of second hand German bicycles. They serve as the flagship of Slovakia's brief and distinguished aviation fleet.
[edit] Famous Slovak people
- Robert Fico - Almighty, know-it-all Emperor
- Ján Slota (a.k.a Szlota János) - He attacked Budapest in the year 1528 B.B. (before Budapest) and became immortal; strangely enough, he is best known for his sympathy and friendship towards Hungarians and he is also Slovakia's official spokesman in Hungarian language
- Juraj Jánošík - a murderer, bandit, convict and Slovak national hero.
- Hedviga Malinová - A girl, probably form Hungary or Slovakia or somewhere else; currently popular celebrity occupying most pages of newspapers
- Satan - Captain of the National Hockey team
- Adriana Sklenaříková - national prostitute
- Martin Rosenberger (a.k.a. Apollo)
- Mikuláš Dzurinda (a.k.a Cyclist)
- Kubko, the Cool Person
- Villager Juro, the Shepherd
- Samroš Malina (a.k.a Trapko)
- Adrian Kašovský - Ball licking paedophile
- Junichiro Koizumi (a.k.a Janko)
- Johnny Bravo (a.k.a Bryndzový čurák)
- Vladimír Mečiar (a.k.a Mufty)- a politician that has every classified information in the world, but he doesn't show it. He knows who killed Kennedy, where Osama bin Laden is hiding and he knows the recipe for Coca Cola.
- Practical McGee
- Andrej Hlinka
- Batman (a.k.a Netopieri muž)
- Jozef Drga - The National Slovak Sexmachine
- Durzchev Vichenko - 2nd best rapist in all of Slovakia
- Peter Porubcan - The greatest masturbator in the world
- Stefan Seben- an alcoholic
- Ivan Bugri- an even bigger alcoholic than Stefan Seben and that's saying something
- Jaroslav Chovanec- a professor that vomits in front of his students after a midday Christmas party
- Martin Svoboda- a drunk, a former member of the band Láva and Tonic. He's almost at the point of reaching Stefan Seben's level of alcoholism.
- Peter Bielik- a junkie and a former convict. His alcoholism is only slight when compared to Stefan Seben and Martin Svoboda. He is very aggressive when drunk.
- Barry Bonds - The proud, testicle shrinking, infant spinal cord sucking, Slovak.
[edit] Exports
- Goat Porn
- More Goat Porn
- Goat Manure
- More Goat Manure
- Bird Flu
- A Poisoned Gene Pool
- West Nile Virus
- The last of the Genghis Khan Empire
- The third eye virus strain
[edit] References
- ↑ The first Škoda car (Škoda 100) which was seen to exceed the speed of 10km/h was pushed by 3 cows down the hill. Transportation system in Slovakia is booming!
