Smacker
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The smacker is a mythical being of tremendous power and proportions. As you can see in the picture, its giant hands are ready for some "Shmackin'".
Smackers thrive on human affection of any sort. They will do anything to get a person's attention- eg. smacking, sucking, kicking to the back of the head, ramshackling, nig-noggling, cracker-dacking and of course fibble-dibbling people. It is known for its unique diet of smacked cow, smacked salmon, smacked pizza shapes and cracked pepper. They also have a love of classical music. As Saruman the wize once said: "theres nothing a Smacker likes more than some good ol' Mozart". the Smacker speaks English and loves English literature. He reads shakspere excessively and he quotes it all the time. this led to his downfall of popularity in the human society. Smackers are best known among humans as smelly greasy wierdo balls of shit that smack fudge. whilst all of this is true, they have good qualities too like they make the best smacked beef known to man. his life-long dream is to make a movie starring himself and his dear Smackerooni and dreams about it each day. he loves his caves in which he lives and will eat anyone he finds in that area without permission.
[edit] Location:
He would prefer to live in his natural home of Smacktopia, but unfortunately the planet was invaded, ransacked and left desolate by the twisted randalls, so the Smacker evacuated to the nearest hospitable planet: Earth. He now lives in a deserted Cave where he terrifies random humans who blunder into his lair. the last sighting of a Smacker was in the desert of "the Real", featured in the matrix, battling a Wanger. the wangers are one of the greatest foes of the Smacker and they battle him regularly. but when the Smacker gets a-shmacking, few can face him. the Smacker is a creture of increadable mental preportions. he has a mind far beyond that of a human could ever dream. but because of his lack of acceptance to society, he was forced to make his own living away from human civilization. he was once attacked by chuck norris but failed to publisize his victory. He also has a love of classical music. As Saruman the wize once said: "theres nothing The Smacker likes more than some good ol' Mozart". The Smacker is a well known Alpaca farmer and won the top prize for Alpaca breeding in the 2007 royal show.
[edit] Known accociates:
Goku- but only when he reaches Super Saiyan 3
Neo
Lachlan Halle-Brazenall
Andrew o' Keefe
Smackdown Daddy
Chris Benoit
and- the flying spaghetti monster
james chaplin (carrier of rare skin desise Extremusuglyis)
Your mum
[edit] What to do if approached by the smacker
repeat the phrase: 'suck the fuck of the smackerooni',
pull out your penis and let it nibble on the middle,
get help, psychiatric help that is haw haw haw
dial andrew o' keefe pronto, tell him its an emergency
if you have "the light of elendil" hand, shine its eyes with it,
beckon the wanger
open your heart to it... literally, it likes to eat peoples hearts
avoid contact with (inculding the relitve james chaplin)beause infection will follow immedatly after (the rare skin desise Extremusuglyis)
Then tell your mum
[edit] The habits of the smacker:
SHMACKIN'
likes to watch NCIS
likes to read his "iwoz" book
likes to spam emails
fight the wanger
eat tinned speggetti
pracise buddhism
plays teeball
likes to play with your mum
also is a fan of doctor who (woooo oooooo ooooooh, whooooooo- hooooo hooooooo, dun duh duh dun duh duh dun dun dun)
Men?
[edit] The Shmackerooni
The Shmacarooni is a deformed dog that that the Smacker keeps as a pet. this creature is probably the most hideous thing a human will ever see, however, to the Smacker it is the most beautiful thing in existence (except for a Noblet). This dog is quite dear to him and close to his heart. if you insult the Shmackarooni or insult him using the Shmacarooni, he gets hurt in his heart. He is hard to fight phisically but is easy to beat it you attack his heart.
The Smacker loves to Shmack his Smackarooni all night long. he plays games with his smackerooni most of the time when hes not shmackin' up a nice meal for himself or shmackin' the wagner around.
But dont let his pastimes fool you. the Smacker is not the one to mess with, nor is his Smackerooni. the smackerooni can go on destructive rampages, eg. the holocaust, 9/11, Mexico etc.
The Smacker has made many nicknames for his little Shamckerooni-
DA Shmacka
THA super Shmack
Shmack you silly
suck my Shmack
The Ub3r Shmackz0rs
A Shmacking good Shmack
Jesus Shmacking Christ
do me up the Shmack etc.
[edit] Way of the Smacker
O H B O T H E R ! !
There have only been a few people unlucky enough to behold the sight of a smacker. The most commonly sighted smacker is of course the 'Samoan Schmaker' a resident of the Samoan Coral Coast. People who have witnessed the beast have joined together to for a group, affectionatly known as the 'Smacksters'. They have reguluar group meetings discussing exactly what they had seen of the smacker. Governments all around the world deny the existence of such a 'Smacker' and are in most countries Smackster meetings are taboo and banned accordingly. This is pushing the group, underground, in effect, transforming it into something of an underground cult. Meetings now-days have very ornate rituals and practises, these include:
Smacking other members flabby bums with a Smacking Baton, or 'SmackBat'
Setting fire to pictures of teen idols (hilary duff, timberlake, spears) mainly for the hell of it.
Body Mutilation, often engraving the secret 'Smacking Symbol' on each butt cheek, or extreme female circumcision
taking arms and capturing hostages, in order to raise awareness of the smacker.
oh bother.
[edit] Smacker in Populuar Culture
oh bother
Could be seen in the background of the massive end-of-film castle battle in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, but the producers didn't notice with all the giant trolls and gnome evil shit everywhere.
Was rumoured to have taken part in the My Lai massacre in the Vietnam war.
According to urban ledgends, Smacker was the creator of Linux AND the optical mouse.
Andy Warhol was reputed to have weekly creative meetings with a smacker. Apparently some of his best works were with collaborations with a smacker.
Smacker had a short cameo as a trolley-boy in Bruce Almighty, also was in an extra of another of Jim Carrey's movies, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
Was a life-long friend of L. Ron Hubbard.
Appeared as a guest on Oprah
Is a weekly columnist for the Hogwarts Inquisitor.
Was the inspiration for Akons 'Smack That'
Invented origami
Invented your mum
Has several fictional books published about him, drawing on the mystery of the Smacker.
has tried out for many evil beings in movies ie Sauron, Darth Vader, Voldemort etc.
has been known to smack the penis of lachlan halle-brazenall
is a childhood friend of jim carrey
for a period of two months was known as the 'Stacker' when he applied for a job at Foodland.
started the dog food brand "Smacko's" as a dedication to the Smackerooni
[edit] "Smack That"
Akon and Eminem created a song called "Smack that" which was a huge sucsess across the globe. But it is little known that their song was a copy of the original "Smack that" created by the Smacker and his faithful Smackerooni. Akon altered the music in order to make it fit in with his image. these are the original lyrics and the ones Akon created:
Akon: I see the one. Smacker: I see that one.
Akon: cuz she be that lady. Smacker: Coz he be tha Smacka!
chorus: Akon: I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow. Smacker: I can hear you sleepin', while im eating my avacado.
Akon: Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo. Smacker: im sick of being called a big fat lardo.
Akon: Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo. Smacker: Dont kick my face, what are you retard-o?
Akon: And possibly bend you over. Smacker: i dont listen to Nova!
Akon: Look back and watch me, Smacker: my sack is real itchy,
Akon: smack that, all on the floor, Smacker: Smack that, your quite a bore,
Akon: smack that, give me some more, Smacker: Smack that, you stupid whore,
Akon: smack that, 'till you get sore, Smacker: Smack that, i get off to gore,
Akon: smack that, oooh. Smacker: Smack that, smack me some mo-oore.
Akon: smack that, all on the floor, Smacker: Smack that, your quite a bore,
Akon: smack that, give me some more, Smacker: Smack that, you stupid whore,
Akon: Akon: smack that, 'till you get sore, Smacker: Smack that, i get of to gore,
Akon: smack that, oooh. Smacker: Smack that, smack me some mo-oore.
Akon: Akon: Up front style. Ready to attack now. Smacker: got no style, but big bloody smack now.
Akon: Akon: Pull in the parking lot slow with the lack down. Smacker: kill a barking dog with a big super smack POW.
Akon: Convicts got the whole thing packed down. Smacker: penis is up, gotta get it smacked down.
Akon: Step in the club. The wardrobe intact now. Fight the Wanger? rather smack a foul cow.
Akon: I feel it. Go on and crack now. Smacker: I reel it. smokin' some crack now.
Akon: Ooh, I see it. Don't let back now. Smacker: ooh, i be it, smokin' some Smack now.
Akon: Im'a call her. Then I put the mack down. Samcker: Im the Smack-er, im gonna smack now
Akon: Money? No problem. Pocket full of that now. Smacker: Smackin'? no problem, im good at that now.
(chorus)
Eminem: Ooh! Looks like another club banger. Smackerooni: Ooh! looks like another moose banger
Eminem: They better hang on. Smackerooni: they better bang one.
Eminem: When I throw this thang on. Smackerooni: when i blow this wang gone.
Eminem: Get a little drink on. They goin' flip. Smackerooni: get a little think goin', they gonna flip.
Eminem: For this Akon shit. You can bank on it. Smackerooni: Coz with this smacker shit, you can wank off it.
Eminem: Pedicure, manicure, kitty cat claws. Smackerooni: Immature, quite-a-bore, big fat jaws.
Eminem: The way she climbs up and down them poles. Smackerooni: the way i look at all those balls
Eminem: Lookin' like one of them Pretty Cat Dolls. Smackerooni: Lookin' at balls when nature calls.
Eminem: Tryna hold my woody back through my drawers. Smackerooni: im a dog so i have no laws.
Eminem: Steps off stage, didn't think I saw her. Smackerooni: let me out of me cage, just let me knaw her.
Eminem: Creeps up behind me and she's like, you're - Smackerooni: i creep up behind her and im like RAWR!
Eminem: I'm like, yeah I know, let's cut to the chase. Smackerooni: im like yer your slow, not much of a chase.
Eminem: No time to waste. Back to my place. Smackerooni: what a waste, i'll teach you to stay away from our place.
Eminem: Plus from the club to the crib's like a mile away. Smackerooni: plus i cannot go down to the pub coz its a mile away.
Eminem: Or more like a palace, shall I say. Smackerooni: near the stupid fucking humans, they shall pay.
Eminem: And plus I got a pal. Every gal is game. Smackerooni: plus im gonna pop a pill, i got 25 left still.
Eminem: In fact he's the one singing the song that's playing! Smackerooni: in fact thats the only reason im singin' the song thats playin'!
(chorus)
Akon: Eminem's rollin', D an' them rollin'. Smacker: Smacker's rollin', The rooni's rollin,
Akon: Boo an' Oh Marvelous an' them rollin'. Smacker: james kelsey rollin',
Akon: Women just hoin'. Smacker: he dont like the women moanin'
Akon: Big booty rollin'. Smacker: he likes the men groanin'.
Akon: Soon I be all in them an' throwin D. Smacker: he is gay as gay can BE.
Akon: Hittin' no less than 3. Smacker: he has have sex with no less than 3!
Akon: Block will style like wee, wee. Smacker: he like to drink lots of WEE.
Akon: Girl, I can tell you want me, 'cause lately. Smacker: He is also a lover of herbal TEA.
(chorus)
[edit] Pictures Relating the Smacker
before fighting the Smacker, chuck norris consulted a magic 8-ball for advice. this was the outcome
a man and his chum in a bar after an encounter with the Smacker.
a man being thankful for not having to fight the smacker
a news program reporting a sighting of the Smacker.
The president of the USA being told he has to fight the smacker
Using the Smacker to insult someone is becoming increasingly popular.
Dumbledore scoffs when he is asked to destroy the Smacker with magic
[edit] The chronicles of Smacker
In the height of his popularity and awarness in the 90's, the Smacker decided to publish his own range of books, to tell in excrusiating detail, his life, adventures and many deadly foes. he origionally only planned to write one book but the first was so popular, he wished his riches to grow. he has now published a series of 7 books, each more popular than the last. he has also published some other books, to aid character development. some of these include "how to feed, train and shmack a shmackarooni", "Smack that Wanger" and "smack around the clock". this is the original series of books:
[edit] The Smacker and the Crockodile's Bone-r
this was the Smacker's first novel put out in 1996. this was an instant bestseller and skyrocketed the smacker into fame. in this thrilling tale, the smacker tells his tale about battle with a giant crocodile with an over large penis. he smacks the penis so hard it explodes. his great defeat of this worthy foe is defenitly a story wothy of rememberance.
at the beggining, the smacker is minding his own business in his cave, makinging some samcked salmon when there is a huge crash outside. he puts some underpants on and rushes outside to find a HUGE crockodile smashing about. the smacker snapped. a giant crockodile is one thing, but SMASHING ABOUT???? if there is one thing that the Smacker hates, its things that "smash" and not "smack". as you would think, the smacker goes wild battling this smashing crock all over the place. but the crockodile has a secret. he has a tremendously large wang! in the end, the smacker smacks the humungus cock to the point of breaking off. and then, to finish it off, he does what is known as a "super smack" which causes the penis to explode.
all the commotion draws the attention of some nearby humans and they come over. the humans are lachlan halle-brazenall, jack henstridge and david moir. the smacker approaches this wacky trio and says you are smelly poo's. lachlan gets increadably horney and attempts to have sex with the smacker. the smacker smacks lachlan away much to the dismay of the others. jack fuckstridge attempts to comfort the smacker but the smacker sents his demented retard of a dog after him. it is a serious battle but in the the end, after the help of some trusty fries eggs and some really bad hat designs, the smacker and the smackerooni are driven back to the caves.
in the beginning the lord said "let the smacker smite all those who oppose him but let him not fight those who attempt to comfort, to have gay sex or try to comfort by having gay sex with him." the smacker realizes his sins so repents for forgivness. his asking for forgivness is denied and is struck by lightning and then plays with your mum.
[edit] The Smacker and the Maker of Biscuits
in this story, the smacker and his faithfull sidekick, Smackerooni, battle a giant and terrifying biscuit maker that has gone complely insane. he uses a flying car to run over this deadly foe. this book contains his first experience fighting with the Smackerooni.
this is the second book of the tales and triumphs of the great and powerful Smacker. at the start, the Smacker goes for a walk with his faggot-ugly dog, Smackerooni. they find a trail of biscuits that leads to a giant one, lying half embedded in the ground. the Smacker tries to touch it but it is too hot to touch for some reason. the Smacker looks in the air to see a giant half ginger bread man- half mountain troll flying towards him in a giant car!!! as you would expect, the Smacker and the smackerooni are too afriad to move. they are showered with millions of BUNRING HOT PELLETS OF RABBIT POO! they duck and run for cover as these relentles round balls attack them and then your mum appears and tries to seduce the half ginger bread man- half mountain troll. She fails miserably and gets schmacked to death by the Schmaker for ruining its story.
[edit] The Smacker and the Prisoner of Smackerooni
in this tale, the Smacker learns of his pets hidden creature, locked deep in the cave. the Smackerooni tells the Smacker of this caged animal for the first time when he finds out that it escapes. the Smacker and his sidekick battle the creature and re-capture it.
[edit] The Smacker and the Noblet for Hire
this story tells of the Smackers adventure with the hired Noblet that hes steals. a Noblet is a roundish black object used for Smacking. it is said that it is the Smckers best friend because it is absolutely orgasmic for a Smacker to smack such an object. the person that the Smacker hired the Noblet from tries desperatly to get the Noblet back. this attempt claims his life for the Smakcer Smacks him to a horrible smack-filled death with your mum.
[edit] The Smacker and the Smacking of the Penis
in this book, the Smacker fights an incredible giant penis. he uses all his smacking strength to smack the smack out of this foe bfore it takes control of the Smacker's lair on the caves. it is believed that the penis was set upon the Smacker by a worthy Wanger who works for your mum.
[edit] The Smacker and the Big Blood Mints
in this tale, the Smacker is randomly attacked by a swarm of Big Blood mints and your mum. soon, the mints are red with the Smacker's blood and he is near death, and if it wasn't for the outstanding courage shown by his little demented dog companion, Smackerooni, he would have died. he ends up destroying the Mints with Smackerooni's pet creature for he eats them all with his groteske mint eating fangs.
[edit] The Smacker and the Loud Hello's
in the final chapter of this breathtaking series, all of the Smacker's enemys gang up on him. The Wanger, the Smacksters and the Randalls and your mum all team up in order to destroy the Smacker for good by purchasing a HUGE helloing machine. since the wanger is fighting an unseen enemy, he has to seek the machine that is creating all this noise. in the end he sucseeds and returns triumphantly back to the caves with his little friend, Smackerooni.
[edit] Relative
- the indestructable Tom is closely related to the smacker because they share the same gene called the fuck head gene. The Tom who cannot spell is known to draw crude fucked up demented pictures & is constantly getting pissed off at inanimate objects. lachlan halle-brazenal is also a sharer of this gene. He channels his frustration (of being in a backward maths class full of arabs and blacks) into the form of excessivly angry gay sex, which often results in blood-filled anus pustules which patty hensridge must pop or die. patty is really closely related to the urang-utang because of the fact that he makes loud shreiking noises and throws food at people in an ape-like manner. he also jumps onto objects, eg. benches, trees, people, in order to try and intimadate people which he fails to do.
