Snail
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“ Go faster!”
~ Jeff Goldblum on snails
“ snails cannot speak. speech is life. snails have no life.”
~ Oscar Wilde on snails
“ Ah, Snail soup, Lho Ho Ho - the prefect thing to win over my English girlfriend!”
~ Frenchman on snails
Snails are rich slugs who can afford housing. Essentially, a snail is the equivalent of a capitalist scum American imperialist flaunting its superior living condition in the poor slug's face as the slug tirelessly eats cabbage in your garden. Or, alternatively, a snail is the equivalent of a hard-working slug achieving the American dream, thanks to the grace of God and Sam Walton.
Snails are also hermaphrodites. Kinky.
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[edit] Economic importance
Snails are an important part of several vital world industries:
- One of the three elements of which boys are made: see also snakes and puppy dog tails;
- One of the four food groups of France, where it is known as escargôt;
- The snail is also the official mascot of the snail mail delivery service worldwide.
- The Snail Slime™ is used in South America, Mexico and Spain like a powerful adhesive. In France is used like a Juice.
- Snail is a spammer on the Hard Light and SectorGame forums, though he was blasted into oblivion on the former.
[edit] La Sin
The worms have long feared the coming of a final revenge upon their civilization. George Lopez prophesied that in the year 1999, the Snails would bring their revenge upon the worms people, and destroy them forever. This would come to be known as "La Sin." The letters of "La Sin" can be arranged into "Snail" by someone who is obese. When the year 1999 came, millions of French people committed suicide in fear of "La Sin". Those which did survive were surprised to find out, like so many other apocalypse theories, that nothing happened when the year 1999 dawned. Prophets would later say that they were just kidding and that La Sin would still happen, but in the year 1998.
[edit] Distribution
Snails inhabit the four corners of the Earth, including France.
[edit] French Snails
The French snail, also known as "L'escargot très rapide"; is considered one of the world's fastest snails. One variety of this uncommonly fast snail has been known to ooze at speeds of more than fifty two-hundred and sixtieths of a mile per hour. The record land speed for any snail is a whopping nine-tenths of a mile per hour, achieved by a contingent of French Army Snails fleeing from the Brits. However, some sources claim that this should be considered a negative number because the snails were retreating.
[edit] Scottish Snails
Scottish Snails have been hunted to near extinction through the ancient bloodsport of Quiching.
[edit] Forumite Snails
Forumite snails are usually annoying and spam in every board they can. They are very slow however, and can easily be banned. This point is controversial, as some forumite snails are known to be able to produce more accounts faster than any land animal because they are hermaphrodites.
[edit] History
Snails are believed to have originated from Brian Epstien's left nostril. He was surfing in Antarctica, his homeland, when a gigantic platypus from Mercury stepped on Epstien's toe. Epstien cried out in pain and then a snail fell out of his nose. Days later, a llama fell out of his nose, followed by a moose. Scientists are currently monitoring the situation, as a single sneeze from this guy could result in a disastrous number of new species forming on the planet.
[edit] Their future
Starting in 2010, snails will be used to make blue tefillin.
