Snelching

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“Brown Boogers!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Snelching

1 The origins of snelching
2 Impacts of snelching
3 Community response
4 Famous snelchers
5 Other snelchers, not famous

[edit] The origins of snelching

Snelching is a technique used by long term cocaine users to rid themselves of their addiction. Snelching was developed from its cousin, felching, and is similar in that involves the suction of semen, excrement and/or other fluids from a person's rectum. Rather than sucking these fluids out of the rectum through a straw, they are instead snorted out by placing the straw in the nostril.

The technique was invented by Kate Moss, who discovered that the endorphin release from a line of cocaine could be emulated by the strong orgasm released when snelching another person. The sniffing habit is preserved, but the addiction to cocaine is broken and instead a new affinity is formed for the smell of shit.

[edit] Impacts of snelching

Unfortunately, snelching has become a new addiction with many negative ramifications for the community. Doctors have documented severe nasal injuries and infections among hardcore snelchers. Dr. Nick Riviera, in his examination of Kate Moss' sinuses, issued the following prognosis: "Hello everybody, I'm Dr. Nick! Well, it seems to me that her head is full of shit." Snelching addicts, or spunkies, as they are known, can be seen in dark corners of major cities with soiled straws lodged up one or both of their nostrils. Those ignorant of the problem have reported that snelchers have followed them from behind, sniffing and prodding at their buttocks.

[edit] Community response

Community organisations at first encouraged snelchers to clean their straws with bleach in the hope that the chemical would reduce infections and disease. This early program was aborted as it was found that deaths from snelching increased due to the toxicity of bleach in snelchers' respiratory systems. Many local governments now offer straw exchange programs. Fast food chains, such as McDonald's and KFC, allow snelchers to get new straws in exchange for their older straws which are cleaned and recycled for fast food customers. Nine out of ten fast food customers reported that the fecal matter on the straws improved the taste of their meals.