Snoop Dog
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“The best pimp we ever had. And him being a dog makes the word bitch make more sense.”
~ Various Bitches on Snoop Dog
“-Silence and random yelps-”
~ Snoopy on Snoop Dog
“Oh I can pop that motha fucka fulla lead any time... 'Cept then he probbably wouldn't come back with the stick I threw him...”
~ Snoop Dogg on Snoop Dog
“His whores gave me herpes and AIDS. I have to go and kill myself now... Good bye cruel world.”
~ Charlie Brown on Snoop Dog
Snoop Dog is the urban pimpster half brother of Snoopy. Snoopy's mother was a bitch (in both terms of the word) and so slept around with many other dogs. Snoop's father is Brian, who later played a dog in Family Guy, who is actually black, though albino. This confused identity led Brian to lash out against blacks, including Snoop, his own son. In fact, at the age of 5, Snoop was already persecuted by Casper The Friendly Ghost, a member of the Klu Klux Klan. His brother Snoopy also tended to scorn Snoop for his race, instead befriending small Asian birds, relationships that soon brought him Avian Bird Flu. As Brian was an alcoholic, Snoop was often beaten with nearby puns and poorly crafted humor, which caused him internal bleeding. At the age of 15, Snoop ventured out on his own on Suburbia's streets and became a pimp.
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[edit] Pimping Career
Snoop became a very sucessful pimp because, from the beginning, he provided quality whores which were extremely durable. He began by rounding up neighborhood girls and, after burning down their lemonade stands, causing them an overwhelming debt of 25 cents, they were forced to sell off their bodies to pay for damages, at which point he took them under his wing. At first, he began to pimp them off to the local boys, but seeing as they did not know what to do besides make the sluts do their homework for them, he targeted an older market. The local retirement home had a surprising number of pedophiles willing to buy his whores, and so he grew quite affluent. He also tried selling vacumn cleaners but this gig was not nearly as sucessful.
[edit] Rapping Career
Soon after he gained a reasonable amount of money from exploiting women, Snoop decided to further his career by becoming a rapper, and rapping about his life of being a pimp and a gangster. Notably, this makes him the only rapper to have actually sung about these things, who actually did them. The rest are just extremely sunburnt white men from Australia. After seeing his half-brother's sucessful career, Snoopy and his wife Snoop Dogg decided to immitate it, hoping to confuse the public and bring Snoop down. Their efforts worked, as Snoop soon was forced to declare bankruptcy and retire.
[edit] Pirate Ninja Career
Snoop soon found hope in an extremely old man in a retirement home in Miami. This man claimed to be named Kakashi Sensai, a ninja, and yelled out random life lessons at bricks he had drawn faces on, which he called his students. As he was balding, Snoop placed himself upon his scalp and pretended to be the man's conscience. He told him to escape and become a pirate, which Kakashi did. As soon as he used his retirement funds to purchase a pirate ship and crew, Snoop began to play loud rock music about lesbians, which gave Kakashi a heart attack, killing him. Snoop began to sail towards Cuba, to get him some smokes, but his ship was soon shot down by The Red Baron, his brother in disguise as a pilot.
[edit] Death
Pretty obviously, the explosion of the ship killed Snoop. He died in peace... if dying in peace means asploding into tiny smithereens which were soon eaten by bloodthirsty mermaids.
