Snuff Film

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“Nope. Never seen one.”

~ Oscar Wilde on lying.

Typical Snuff Film, note the old man.

Snuff Films are courageous testaments to the power of human nature as well as the absolute beauty of the immortal combination of the elderly, wine, & unsteady camera movements. They usually depict the blurry murder of an unknown person, though there have been many famous snuff films, most including political figures, pilgrims, or Nostradamus. Known for their light entertainment value, they are usually both viewed by & depict old men.

[edit] Origins

The Society For Snuff And Its Films, (SFAISF), began as a tobacco manufacturing island off the coast of the South Sandwich Islands, near PBJ Island 1444444444B, known for its infamous fortress of bees. But after the bees grew in size & their brains adapted to the intense, spicy heat put off by the Icy Hot Mountains located due-east of the Queen's nest, the bees were suddenly able to communicate, and loudly. They demanded in intense waves of bee screams that the human inhabitants of the Sandwich Islands begin filming themselves fucking and then subsequently kill one of said fuckers. Coincidentally, all of the islands inhabitants were elderly men & infants, which, after destroying all the infants, the elderly became the first to try honey-flavored cigars. How is this coincidental, you might ask? It just so happened that the Giant Bee Revolt of the 1812 coincided with the War of 1812 where a European fashion at the time was simply known as fuckilling, pronounced 'fuchsia', therefore we have the bees to thank for the name 'snuff', mainly because of their confusion with the tobacco trends on the islands. However, in a stingingly quick turn of events, the bees soon discovered books and henceforth became so enamored in human literature they soon regretted the forced orgy murders, stopping them immediately. Fortunately for the rest of the world, the trend had already spread to Asia minor, which, to this very day, is the proud capitol of the snuff film.

[edit] Snuff Facts

Usually starring old men.
Lyndon B. Johnson won the '63 election on the Snuff Platform (see JFK).
Quality of visuals and/or entertainment value often varies between each kill/orgasm.
Pulitzer-Prize winning author Doris Lessing's book Briefing for a Descent into Hell, in which the planets talk to each other & consider Earth to be Hell, also consider Earth to be one giant snuff film.
The motto for most snuff films is "No... NO!!! Get away!"
The metaphysical implications of snuff films are as follows:
- Reincarnation
- Interplanetary Travel
- That Guy was right
- God uses a remote control
- The word 'nigga' is transcendental
- Sex is more important than life itself
- The proprietors of the snuff films may have 99 problems, however, a bitch ain't one.
Stunt-cocks are a necessity.
The elderly have little to no shame.
The gurgling throat-slit sound is usually done in post.
The most common phrase uttered in snuff films is 'Ghezhundtite'.