Socialism

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Image:Adorno.JPGAdorno wants you to ponder this article thoroughly, and, of course, critically.

“What a wonderful idea!”

~ Hillary Clinton

“Socialism is making everyone's life equally worthless.”

~ Unknown on the truth

“I most certainly concur!”

~ Margaret Thatcher on Clinton's above statement

“What's socialism?”

~ Tony Blair

“In Soviet Russia, socialism completely screws over communism!”

~ Russian Reversal on Stalin's ridiculous adaptation of Karl Marx's writings

“MUST...CONTROL...MEANS OF PRODUCTION!”

~ Europe on itself

“Socialism doesn't care about black people.”

~ Kanye West on Socialism
  • Socialism, is glorious in practice, but you must be great of mind and purge the capitailist scum that rules our Earth. Socialists make gloriuos tenants
  • Karl Marx is, as of now, cryogenically frozen in California. He will be defrosted on December 21st, 2012, barring apocalypse.


Contents

[edit] History of Socialism

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Socialism.

(Well to start I would basically like to state the fact that socialism is communism for great men men) A transcription of a famous (though poor for laughs) memo by Lenin reads: 'Socialism is the only way of securing human happiness. The guiding principle of socialism is that death, war, famine, environmental disaster and the possibility of a Ricky Martin comeback are bad things and products of capitalism, which must be overthrown. An enlightened person can easily see that this is true beyond a doubt, and that beards, choirs, the Dictatorship of the Proletariat and folk music are the solution.'

Socialism was invented in 1905 at half three in the morning by the comic Karl Marx. Marx was apparently seen downloading vodka porn with several notable drinking buddies, including Vladimir Nabokov, who was looking to pick up "biatches n hoes" as the official Socialist history states. (This event is memorialised in the Marx's introduction to 'The Communist Manifesto', which stated, 'Even in the dead of Russian winter, the young totty goes out in short skirts and little dresses. You've got to love it.') By 10p.m., the bar had been drunk dry. Enraged, Marx smashed an empty bottle on the table and used it to threaten the barman, asking, 'O, callous defender of the liquor, lined-face keeper of the drop, wherefore is our divine liquid?' Marx always talked a bit like that when he was wasted, so it's easy to see which bits of the Manifesto were written under the influence.

It turned out that this guy, attempting to profit from organisational chaos caused by losses in the Russo-Japano-Sino-Chino-Wino-Dino war, had purchased five crates of vodka to sell on at inflated prices. The angry Marx formulated the communist doctrine on the spot. Marx later refined his theory into what eventually became Super Socialism.

[edit] Russian Revolution

In 2007, Lenin watched the following sketch, called 'World War One', as broadcast on Russian television:

Lenin turned off his television in disgust, livvid. (All socialists are permanently angry, usually about how Americans think the Cuban healthcare system is somehow bad.) He went down the bar to get drunk; unfortunately, all alcohol had been bought by Marx at knockdown prices, to be sold to finance the printing of 'Moll Flanders', the raunchy sequel to 'The Communist Manifesto.' Lenin turned purple and did the shouty thing from Akira, causing many windows to smash and fall to the floor. In their translucent, crystalline reflections Lenin saw his own face, turned in hate; this was what capitalism had turned him into. This was him, more machine than man. Was this a man? Was this society? Was this life?

There were acutally two Russian Revolutions; a practice run in February, the real thing eight months later. The events of this revolution are narrated in Sergei Eisenstein's amazing documentary, The Hunt for Red October.

[edit] When did it all go wrong?

Socialists often claim that the Soviet Union never took place. They clame that whatever was going on there, it wasn't real socialism. So, where did it all go wrong? The different socialist groupings offer their own favourite key turning points:

  • The Social Democrats: In 1917, Social Democrats and liberals were attacked by the Mensheviks and the Bolsheviks. (The Magazine song 'Shot By Both Sides' is about this event.)
  • The Mensheviks: In 1917 the Mensheviks were shot by the Bolsheviks.
  • The Anarchists: In 1921 when anarchic Kronstadt sailors were ordered to be shot by Leon Trotsky. (Later immortalised in the film 'Leon').
  • The Trotskyites: In 1927 when Stalin expelled Trotsky and ordered him to be shot to death with a pickaxe. When the soldiers reported on their inability to carry out this order, they too were ordered to be shot with a pickaxe for sabotage. This unfortunate order started the Great Purge, leading to the deaths of millions of people. It was finally over when the incredible self-detaching-head pickaxe was invented. It's creator was shot for bourgoine ideas, however the SDHP was entered into service.
  • The Stalinists: In 1953 when Stalin was sentenced to death by God and the Revolution was turned over to the Polite Bureaucrats.
  • The Russian Linesman: In 1966 when England won the World Cup. Nothing to do with socialism, but fuck you.
  • The Polite Bureaucrats: In 1991 when Gorbachev sold Russia to the mafia Perestroika. Until this point there had been no black economy in Russia.
  • The Mafia: In 2004 when Putin imprisoned super rich oil magnate Yust Bribemof and socialized incorporated his assets,

[edit] Totally over the edge

  • The Black Russians: In 1995, when Time magazine published an article deeming the famous Black Russian cocktail inferior to Long Island Ice Tea, on the basis that 'Long Islands have more shots, so they fuck you up faster.' This decision is pending appeal.
  • The dissolution of the Duma: A scandal erupted in 1997 when the new Glasnost policy released information that the famously strong Duma vodka (70% alcohol) was found to have been systematically watered down under Stalin's rule. The dissolving of the Soviet Union into the Commonwealth of States is thought to have taken care of this outrage.
  • The White Russians. In 1997, after the evil Time magazine posted a follow up article on the subject of whether Long Island Iced Tea or a Black Russian fucks you up faster, the Socialists saw an opportunity to destroy the capitalist menace by creating a drink that is somehow able to fuck you up even faster. Of course, they failed to see that people were too drunk anyways from the Long Island Iced Tea and White Russian fuckedupedness test benchmarking to care. The Dude abides, in any case.

[edit] Modern Socialism

Socialists form strong social, mostly gay, companionships where they call each other 'comrades'. They are often psychologists or bass players in punk bands. Many are to be found in Socialist Societies, or SocSocs, not to be confused with Cocktail Societies (CocSocs), Soccer Societies (SocSocs), or Rock Societies (RoSocs).

Many socialists are doctors in the Cuban healthcare system. Others sell T-shirts bearing the face of Che Guevara (which they say is NOT ironic) and the words 'Hasta la victoria siempre!' meaning 'Vodka, please', making millions of capitalist dollars in the process.

Communism ceased to exist in 1989, or so they say...

Socialismists have formed the largest market for marijuana, in a selfless attempt to bolster the income of poor marijuana farmers in Bristol or Newcastle. No other reason. Whatsoever. Really. Honestly.

All european countries are now socialist. Germany is slightly more national socialist than the rest... I forgot the abbreviation for a National Socialist. I know the long form was like National Socialist German Worker's Party...

[edit] Famous Socialists

[edit] Confirmed

[edit] Suspected

[edit] Synonyms

Communism

Marxism

[edit] See Also


Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics
Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan ~ Krgystan ~ Stanistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Tribecastan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan - Have-nuke-istan - Azerbaijan - Russia - Belarus - Ukraine - Moldova - Moldavia - Mordovia - Alaska - Kekkoslovakia - Estonia - Latvia - Lithuania - Israel - Armenia - Georgia - Coventry
The writer of this article is a pinko/lefty racemixer and has an outrageous liberal UK-centric outlook.
They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
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