Socialist Alternative
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“My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.”
“Marxism is the opiate of potty trained gorillas.”
~ Karl Marx on marxism
“Karl Marx is damn sexy, I want to be him, Kevin 07, Karl 08”
~ Kevin Rudd on wanting to be sexy
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[edit] Signs and Symptoms
The worm forms focal hydatid cysts in small areas of the cerebral hemispheres. This changes the structure and function of the brain and makes people more susceptible to communist propaganda, homosexuality, vegetarianism, narcissism, preoccupation with a narrow subject such as the price of wool in communist Russia, and intense sexual attraction towards deceased historical figures such as Stalin or Leon Trotsky.
[edit] Acute signs
- apparent lack of common sense
- omitting meat and other animal products from the diet
- red hair
- necrophilia
- feminization
- violent attitudes towards the government
- obsessive compulsive disorders
- generalised hatred
- juggling
- cigar smoking
- high regard for the Cuban health system
- the inability to dress well
- Watching SBS (Socialist Broadcasting Station)
- paranoid schizophrenia
- idiosyncratic speech such as oddities in loudness, pitch and intonation.
[edit] Chronic signs
Chronically infected individuals may believe that communism can actually work and will work in Australia in the near future. They are also in denial about gravity existing, terrorism existing, everything bad not being the government's fault, Britney Spears not being "that innocent", and Narnia being their next travel destination. The worm can also cause sporadic outbreaks of violent explosive diarrhoea which is why some SA members call themselves "trots" (trot to the toilet, trot back.)
If you or someone close to you is experiencing symptoms of marxism, it is important to seek medical advice immediately.
[edit] History and Epidemiology
Many like to believe SA was created by "God" (Karl Marx) himself, others think it originated in Nazi Germany. The truth is that the Socialist Alternative began in Melbourne in 1995. It was actually created by two members of the International Socialist Organisation who contracted the brain worm zoonotically one Saturday afternoon from a radioactive pigeon attack. They were then expelled from the organisation for potentially ruining its prestigious reputation with their "left wing" sexual behaviour involving a member of an equine species. However as the infection propagated, they went on to form an army of people and zebras who share similar "left wing" morals.
[edit] Spread of Disease
Historically the parasite was mainly endemic to Melbourne, until 2003 when it evolved in the reproductive tract of a radioactive pigeon and began to spread around Australia. It is now also a quite common STD in Sydney NSW. This mutant form can also cause herpes-like lesions.
As the parasite continued to spread, it became a nationwide phenomena and managed to infect celebrity singer/songwriter Kevin Rudd and his back up vocalist Julia. The number one album "Rights for workers and working families!" enabled the Socialist Alternative to gain incredible public support and take over the running of the country in the 2007 federal election.
[edit] Pathophysiology
E. Marxolosa programs people's brains to gravitate towards entrances of buildings, corridors, the front of lecture theatres, vegan restaurants, Bourke Street, and various political protests. Groups of infected individuals can often be seen in these endemic areas around Melbourne. They are characterised by their loud speeking voices and their pathological need to force their opinions and fliers onto other people. Another obvious peculiarity is their hatred of capitalism, freedom and all things "bad". This can often be viewed as "irritating." Infected people also enjoy some other activities, however social interaction with non-infected people is greatly impeded due to the degeneration of logic, open-mindedness and knowledge of popular culture caused by the brain lesions.
They like to protest against anything and everything, complain about the government, complain about workers not having enough rights (even though they don't work and their parents are middle class capitalists), read communist literature, recite communist literature daily in a religious fashion, attend communist meetings in a religious fashion, and watch gay porn.
[edit] Treatment
Treatment of Marxism can be quite successful and the prognosis is often good. Preferred methods of treatment that have been shown to reduce the severity of symptoms include: chainsaws, machetes, concussion grenades, chemical castration, butterfly houses, petrol, vamipires, rabid raccoons, stun guns, samurai swords, kung fu fighting, trained vultures, bunson burners, and tiger snake venom.
Alternatively praziquantel can be used to kill the worms, they can be removed surgically, lobotomy or an entire brainectomy can be performed. Brainectomy has been shown to be the most effective method.
[edit] Inefficaciuos treatments
It should be noted that talking to infected people is not advised. Councelling and social training is only effective in 1.2% of cases, and there is limited data about long term prognoses. Capsicum spray, water cannons and Rammstein have been shown to have negative effects and tend to exacerbate symptoms. However there some historical evidence suggesting that capsicum spray in very large quantities administered via a stomach tube can have beneficial results.
