Ottoman Empire
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| Motto: دولت ابد مدت (English: Fuck technology.) | |||||
| Anthem: Zerstören (Rammstein) | |||||
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| Capital | Konstantiniyye | ||||
| Largest city | Just follow this road, can't miss it. It's pretty big. | ||||
| Official languages | Turkish delight | ||||
| Government | Sultanate (to 1453), Imperial Roman Sultanate (1453-1922) | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Otto man, Elephants, Inventor of world's biggest turban Sewerman C'est Magnifique | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | ca. AD | ||||
| Currency | Florins[1] | ||||
| Religion | Islamuslim | ||||
| Population | 14,000,000 | ||||
| Area | 12,000,000 km2 | ||||
| National animal | Well, they're Anatolian. Have a guess. | ||||
The Ottoman Empire[2] is an elaborate historical misconception (compare Vulcan), originally appearing in the Nth title of the Video Game Wars series.[3] At the time, the Ottoman Empire had no historical precedent, but its inclusion in a series so renowned for its historical accuracy prompted a flurry of research into a potential real-life counterpart. Though several candidates were proposed, and some even widely accepted, historians now generally concede that the Ottoman Empire really is fictitious.[4]
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[edit] History
Due to the lack of proper education in the ottoman empire, it was horribly misspelled. Thus it was spelled the Ottoman Empire, when its proper spelling should have been the Auto-Man car dealership. Due to its improper naming the Ottoman empire fell because its customers thought it was some kind of mideval empire near modern day turkey,and took their automotive needs to more practically named car dealerships.
[edit] In the beginning the Empire was empty and void
As imagined by the game’s developers, the Ottoman Empire was founded "sometime around then" by Otto Mann the Man (of Otto), a bus-driver from Springfield. Engrossed in a musical orgy, he mistakenly drove to Anatolia, a MUD created by Iron Realms, then populated by a democratic republic composed entirely of farmyard fowl. Though his people would become successful, Otto himself was apprehended and executed on a child abduction charge shortly thereafter.
Heralded as pioneers of the Garlic Age, the Ottomans displaced the native Turkeys with advanced weaponry deriving from the clove family. Only after a tearful invasion, in which millions of seasoned Turkeys died, did the UN intervene (after a failed negotiation on the part of WIKI), ordering the Ottomans to surrender their newly-conquered territories. The Empire refused to cede Anatolia back to the Turkeys, but agreed to let them leave the peninsula with their lives. The Turkeys started new lives in reserves all over Europe, and later the entire world. It is this event that USAns would later plagiarise in their search for a holiday, and the day is thus commemorated as thanksgiving. The lawsuit is ongoing.
In the words of then-Ottoman Emperor Hashish I-love, the Byzantine Empire, following this, started "being a set of dicks". It quickly became clear that war was inevitable.
[edit] The Otto-Man kebab chain begins the expansion
Thus, when war was completely avoided, the Ottoman Empire hailed it as a (Muslim) miracle, and conquered the Byzantines in celebration. Still stuck in the Christian Age, and despite the grand walls of Constantinople (not Istanbul), the Byzantine Empire succumbed, fell, and was destroyed. The Byzantines remained philosophical about these circumstances, noting the poetic way in which they’d mirrored the fall of the Roman Empire (that is, being invaded). The Ottomans, irked by the lack of vengeful feeling, sought enemies elsewhere, and so conquered the Balkans for good measure.
The Ottomans were friends of kebab and yoghurt, and soon the newly founded Otto-Man fast-food chain spred all around the Balkans and Eastern Europe, eclipsing all previous fast food. The Otto-Man restaurant chain was always a favoured career choice amongst the Balkan youth, who proudly enlisted as restaurant workers under the name of yeni-ceri (Turkish "sharing the yen"). They yeni-ceri were known of their enormously large kebab kettles.
[edit] Problems with the HabsburgerTM
The first Otto-Man kebab restaurant was founded in Serbia 1389, with the rest of the Balkans following soon after. In 1453 the restaurant chain moved its headquarters to Constantinople, which was renamed Istambul (Turkish language for "Grand Iskender Kebab and a Bottle of Raki"). The business didn't go so well initaially with Hungary, who were more fond of gulasch and Tokaji, and various attempts to found restaurants in Hungary folded, most notably 1455, which caused severe frustration amongst the Turks. They finally succeeded to estabilish their first kebab restaurant in Mohacs, 1521, and Budapest followed soon after. Their next target was to estabilish a restaurant in Vienna.
Unfortunately, the Austrian fast-food business was completely on the hands of the HabsburgerTM, which held almost virtual monopoly in the Austria and Spain. They strongly and violently resisted the Otto-Man attempts to expand their kebab business and opening a restaurant in Vienna. The first attempt folded in 1523, and a second attempt, even with careful market planning and pioneering, failed miserably 1683, leading into huge losses. The next setback occurred in Hungary, where HabsburgerTM seized the fast-food monopoly in 1685.
[edit] Problems of Overeating
The Otto-Man market share on fast-food business began to decline. The incompetent managing directors, internal disputes within the headquarters with wives and mothers of the CEOs constantly meddling with the business didn't help. The Otto-Man attempt of expanding into seafood business failed at Lepanto 1571, and the problems of overeating and consuming enormous amounts of saturated animal fats - clogged arteries, oedema and a too late diagnosed case of panslavitis, earned the Otto-Man restaurant chain the nickname of The Sick Man of Europe.
Unfortunately, the Greeks had had enough of unhealthy fast food, and expunged the kebab for domestic vegetable moussaka, feta cheese and retsina in 1829. This sore loss of its marketing territory base led to severe problems within the corporation. The new company executive officer, Abdul Hamid II, attempted to renovate the corporation by replacing the part time marketing staff with professionals and outsourcing the yeni-ceri. The attempts lead to strike and in conflict with the unionized yeni-ceri, who violently opposed the attempts of Abdul Hamid. More setbacks were to come. The Balkan nations, who had enjoyed of kebab for almost 500 years, one after one declared fatty, deep-fried kebab unhealthy, and the chain was forced to shut their restaurants one after another. A new player on the field was Russia, who introduced the borsch soup on the fast food market.
[edit] The Otto-Man fast food chain collapses
The Ottoman Empire, now on the back foot, proposed an idea to Europe. It requested that Europe go to war with itself, "because that would be rocksome", and in return, the Ottoman Empire offered to never have existed. The Europeans agreed, and decided the HabsburgerTM monopoly on the European fast food market was not a good idea. Unfortunately, new players had emerged on the field: Sauerkraut AG, Limey's Fish and Chips Unlimited and Les Grenouilles. While the HabsburgerTM had been the market leader for a long time, its domination was also challenged by the rising stars, and the conflict on the fast food market escalated in trade war 1914. The Otto-Man allied itself with its old competitors, HabsburgerTM and Sauerkraut AG, while the other side consisted of Borsch Czar, Limey's Fish and Chips Unlimited and Les Grenouilles.
After a bitter struggle, the result was a catastrophe for Otto-Man. It lost its Arabian market share - even the old regional headquarters in Jerusalem - and the remnants of the Eastern European kebab markets collapsed. The Otto-Man managed to keep moussaka off its heartland in 1920, but that was not enough. Otto-Man seeked Chapter 11 in 1922. The new company executive officer, Kemal Atatürk, decided to go to poultry business instead of kebab.
[edit] Geography
At its height, the Otto-Man Empire stretched across the entirety of Europe, pulled a muscle, and limped all the way back again. After prolonged physical rehab, the Empire contented itself with expanding upwards, and many mountain-climbing expeditions were sanctioned in order to ensure the Empire had flags in all the right places. Amongst these vertical territories were the Horns of Hattin, twin hills (actually an extinct volcano) that would later become important some years ago, during the Crusades.
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| History of Anatolia | |
| Hittites • Greece • Persia • Greece (again) • Roman Empire • Armenia • Byzantine Empire (aka Greece again) • Fall of Constantinople • |
[edit] Popular Culture
- Turkish Author Orhan Pamuk's novel "My Name Is Bread" is set in the Ottoman empire during its golden age. The novel is by and large a florid deconstruction of the modern detective novel seen largely through the eyes of a crusty farmhouse loaf.
- Oh shits guys, trivia
- In recent years, replicas of the Ottoman footstool have been mass-marketed. Due to potentially lethal levels of chintz, however, they can only safely be sold to the over-60s, due to the Calico Chronophobe Effect.
[edit] References
- ↑ Medieval II: Total War
- ↑ The alternative transliteration Uh-Oh, Man n women, has gained some credence in recent years, perhaps owing to increased global warming
- ↑ "Yeah, man, we just wanted spice things up a bit. Like spice, y’know? Sorry for the confusion, history dudes."
- ↑ Such confession is usually accompanied by much staring at the floor and shuffling of feet.
[edit] See Also
Civilizations and Empires Throughout History
| Sumeria - Babylon - Egypt - Persia - Greece - Roman Empire - Byzantine Empire - Ottoman Empire - Aztec Empire - China - Japan - Korea - Mongolia - India - England - France - Germany - Spain - Portugal - Kittenolivia - Bulgaria - Russia - America - Cat Nation |
Categories: Empire | Turkey | Countries | Medieval
