Solanum

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Solanum

Name:	Solanum
Group:	Blue Man
Family:	Yes.
Genus:	Lentivirus

Solanum is a totally awesome communicable virus that causes death and reanimation, or in other words, zombification. It is neither waterborne nor airborne, but is transmitted through direct fluid contact such as being bitten, having sexual intercourse, organ transplant/blood transfusion, mucosal contact, or sharing heroin needles with a zombie. In this context, is 100% communicable and has a 100.2% mortality rate. It was first identified by Dr. Max Brooks in 2003.

1 Infection
- 1.1 Symptons
- 1.2 Treatment
2 Living with Solanum

[edit] Infection

Once pwned, an individual has roughly 18-20 hours to say their goodbyes before they turn into a zombie, which is hands-down the most awesome way to die, ever. Solanum travels through the bloodstream which is sort of like a roller coaster (which is also awesome), from the initial point of entry to the brain, where it uses the whimpy French cells of the frontal lobe to replicate itself (and destroys these cells in the process). During this period, all bodily functions cease; by stopping the heart, the subject is rendered "dead". The brain remains alive, but dormant, while the virus mutates its cells into a completely new awesome organ that tells it to eat people and stuff.

But the most critical trait of this new organ is its independence from oxygen. By removing the need for this resource, the undead brain can utilize, but is no way dependent on, the complex support mechanism of the human body. Once this mutation is complete, this new organ reanimates the body into a form which in some cases bears little resemblance (physiologically speaking) to the original jackass from which it uses as a host. Some bodily functions remain constant, others operate in a modified capacity, and the remainder shut down completely. This new organism is a zombie, a member of the living dead, and that is absolutely fucking sweet! Thus far, Solanum has proven fatal to all species, though reanimation only occurs in humans. But that's cool. We really wouldn't want zombie goldfish or anything, because that'd just be stupid. They'd just die again in a week anyways.

[edit] Symptons

Hour 1: Pain and discoloration of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound, provided the infection came from a wound.
Hour 5: Disco fever (99-103° F), chills, slight dementia (like your grandma), vomiting (like your mother), acute pains in the joints (like your grandma, again).
Hour 8: Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever (103-106° F), increased dementia, loss of bowel control (like your grandpa).
Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body (like your uncle, the Vietnam veteran), overall numbness, decreased heart rate.
Hour 16: Coma (like your sister).
Hour 20: Heart stops (like your late pet gerbil). Zero brain activity (like your cousin Edward).
Hour 23: What's in your head / In your head / Zombie?

Rob Zombie is just one of the many celebrities to be open about his infection from Solanum. This photo, however, is of him before his infection.

[edit] Treatment

There is no cure for Solanum. Even with no signs or symptoms of an outbreak, it is still possible to spread Solanum to your partner. But regular treatment can help prevent outbreaks so you don't spread Solanum. Ask your doctor about Valtrex today, and see if Valtrex is right for you. Please inform your doctor if you have a weakened immune system due to a bone marrow transplant, kidney disease, or you have HIV/AIDS.

Side effects include diarrhea, head aches, back aches, pregnancy, leukemia, hair loss, constipation, collapse of brain function, collapse of the Soviet Union, yelling "BONER!" out loud and randomly, tuning gay, turning hippy, listening to crappy techno music, voting for John Kerry, stepping on a crack and breaking your mom's back, becoming a zombie, spontaneous human combustion, ulcers, jaundice, and death.

[edit] Living with Solanum

Individuals infected with Solanum can still actively contribute to society. For the most part, it's very difficult to distinguish zombies from normal people. Since the 1980's, when awareness of Solanum was raised, many celebrities, such as Rob Zombie, have come forward and openly admitted to their infection with Solanum.

Public fears regarding the contractiveness of Solanum have made it acceptionally difficult for those with Solanum to reassimilate back into society after their infection. Common misconceptions are that one can contract Solanum by kissing a person infected with Solanum or drinking from the same glass as them. Of course, this is untrue, because zombies don't drink anything but blood and Soylent juice.