Solid Snake

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Although no one has ever seen Snake's face and lived to tell the tale, this police composite sketch is considered an accurate representation.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Solid Snake.

Solid Snake, more often called Snake, is a soldier of fortune who is occasionally employed by the U.S. government to shut down the production of nuclear weapons systems by defeating soldiers with gimmicky names and extremely bizarre abilities. Solid Snake has two identical twins: Liquid Snake, who is the same as him in every way, except evil; and Naked Snake, who is the same as him in every way, except thirty years older and evil. No one has ever been able to explain why these three men have such exceptionally poor names.

If you are trying to kill Snake, you should know that he has a number of strengths and weaknesses compared to the average soldier of fortune. These characteristics are set forth in detail below.

1 Strengths
2 Weaknesses
3 See also

[edit] Strengths

[edit] Can carry many things

One of Snake's most extraordinary qualities is the ability to carry roughly seventeen metric tonnes of equipment without any kind of convoy, backpack, or even a bulge in his pocket. Typically, Snake travels with (at a minimum):

A knife
A .45 pistol
A pistol that shoots tranquilizer darts, an AK-47, a sniper rifle, a shotgun, eight grenades, eight chaff grenades, eight smoke grenades, eight stun grenades, and a Stinger missile launcher
Hundreds of rounds of a dozen different types of ammunition; half a dozen missiles.
Eight Soviet military rations and/or dead animals
Three cages containing live animals
A pack of cigarettes, a mine detector, night vision goggles, thermal goggles, a pair of binoculars, a torch, and eight claymore mines
Twelve variously camoflaged uniforms, several masks, and a makeup kit
A large cardboard box

[edit] Can stop time in order to chit-chat

If you engage Snake in combat, don't be surprised if, upon firing your gun, your bullet stops in mid-flight to give Snake a chance to squat down, press a radio to his ear, and ask for advice on how to kill you.

Fortunately, this advice will probably not be very good. More likely, some motherly medic-type will ask Snake if he's seen The Creature From the Blue Lagoon. He will deliver some kind of witty reparatee, at the conclusion of which your bullet will hit him.

[edit] Can survive many, many gunshot wounds

Snake has been shot tens of thousands of times; it takes him approximately thirty seconds to recover completely from a shotgun blast to the head. The only way to kill Snake is to fill him with dozens or hundreds of bullets within just a few seconds. Alternatively, you could run around next to a cliff and hope that he is confused enough to fall off of it.

When shot, Snake may take some kind of fake death pill in order to feign death. The only way to be certain that he is really dead is to listen to his radio; if he has, in fact, shuffled off his mortal coil, someone will invariably yell "Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!"

[edit] Weaknesses

[edit] Inability to look directly forward

Snake is notoriously bad at looking where he's going. For example, if Snake runs directly towards you, then pulls out his gun to shoot you, he will invariably suddenly turn ninety degrees to the right and aim at the wall. The only way you can possibly lose this "quick draw," then, is to stupidly exclaim "Huh?", pull out your radio, exclaim "It's the enemy!" and then run behind a barrel and stick your head out. Avoid doing this, and you will surely be able to squeeze off a few rounds into Snake's skull, which will probably hurt him at least slightly.

Also, while Snake can turn around as fast as anyone else when he isn't trying to look directly at you, it takes him a full six seconds to turn around when he is. In theory, then, a good strategy to employ against Snake would be to jog in circles around him, emptying clip after clip into his body.

[edit] Difficulty kicking in doors

One clever way to toy with Snake is to lock a bathroom stall or locker and then throw some kind of package into it. Snake will attempt to beat the door off its hinges with his fists, which will cause it to fall on him. Despite the light weight of these kinds of doors, it will knock him to the ground, and he'll roll around writhing underneath it until he manages to sort of wiggle or teleport through the door.

[edit] Extremely poor disguises

Snake apparently thinks that any observer seeing this sight will think "Huh, there's nothing here but a box."

When fleeing, Snake will sometimes whip a cardboard box out of nowhere, duck down, and pull it over his head. At this point, if you were pursuing him, you won't see him; all you'll see is a cardboard box inexplicably sitting in the middle of a jungle. Don't be fooled! It may look like an empty cardboard box, but inside is Solid Snake. You may be inclined to exclaim "huh?", approach the box cautiously, and kick it; however, it is smarter to simply open fire on the box.

Also, Snake is under the impression that donning a lab coat and a pair of glasses will make everyone think that he is a scientist. He is unlikely to consider the fact that Rambo-style bandanas and camouflage face paint are not standard features of scientist attire. He is also unlikely to consider the fact that the lab you are guarding probably employs fewer than six scientists, and you know what they all look like. Thus, Snake's presence will be obvious. If you spot him, do not leer at his face for thirty seconds and then yell "Hey! Who are you!" Instead, shoot him in the face and keep pulling the trigger until either he's dead or you've run out of bullets.

[edit] Weak lungs

Snake is a tobacco smoker; however, he can't tolerate more than one or two drags at a time. Smoking for more than two minutes at a time will cause him to collapse and die. Because of the aforementioned difficulty of killing Snake through conventional means, you might actually do better to toss packs of Marlboro Lights at him.

[edit] Unusual caloric requirement

In just a few hours, Snake will devour five or six reticulated pythons, live rabbits, mutant crocodiles, and anything else he can sink his teeth into. He will eat them raw, without skinning, cooking, or even killing them first. Without this constant supply of calories, Snake will first shake like a guy with Parkinson's, and within minutes, will collapse and die.

Ergo, consider dealing with Snake the same way you would deal with mice: don't leave food lying around. Whatever you do, do not package rations into octogon-shaped boxes, place a magnet underneath them so they hover an inch above the floor, spin them clockwise, and then leave dozens of them under every bed and behind every crate on the property. Such an extremely foolish food-storage strategy will provide Snake with all the sustenance/substance/subsistence he needs to kill you.