Sonic the Hedgehog
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- You may be looking for Shadow the Hedgehog and not even know it!
Sonic the Hedgehog (Born in 1991) is a blue hedgehog capable of running faster then the speed of sound. With his friends he runs around stopping an obese scientist from turning all the forest animals into machines. Or something.
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[edit] Early History
[edit] Creation
Okay, so, one time, there was this dude, I think he was called Yuji Naka, but it could have been Oscar Wilde, I'm not sure, I've had a few, but I'm still cool to drive, know what I mean? Anyway. This dude got grabbed off the street by this evil corporation called Sega and they gave him a MAGIC BALLOON and some BOILING LAVA and then I forgot what happened then, but, uh... yeah, it's a really long story from there, but then the guy came back with this blue spiky hat, and then it jumped off his head and started running around the place, and the Sega guys were all like "OMFG! It's a hedgehog!" and they gave the guy loads of money and got him to go round collecting these little fuzzy things for Sega's evil schemes. So he found, like, a yellow fox, a red... thing and another pink hedgehog and some other random shit that nobody cares about.
[edit] First Blood
So, like, Sega put the blue thing in a green hilly place and called him "Sonic" and got him to chase after this fat guy and they made all these video tapes of it, and, and, they like, sold them, and made lots of money, so it was like, Big Brother or something, I dunno, I got the munchies.
(At this point the author left, so we got another one to replace him.)
OMG SONIC IS TEH WIN ALL YOU FAGS CAN GO AND SUCK MY
(At this point we realised that we found a fantard, and promptly left him to the hounds. We now return to this article. I think.)
[edit] Probing deep in the Knothole
When Robotnik made it to Green Hill Zone he took all the animals, including Miles "Tails" Prower, back to his lair for some serious "fun". Tails is reported to have soiled himself so hard that the tremors were felt in The Mushroom Kingdom. This was to haunt the Mobians later. To get Tails back Sonic had to get to Eggman's Robotnik's base. Robotnik knew Sonic was coming so he placed his sex machines on the road to his base, so Sonic not only had to get there but he had to resist the urge to have dirty dirty anal sex. Yum. Upon arriving, and without a more sexual alternative, Sonic had to use (Shock! Horror!) violence to retrieve the young mutant fox. After much sweat and borderline homoerotic clashing of open flesh, Sonic made off with Tails and saved the world... somehow.
[edit] Sonic the Icon
As an apparent hero from his exploits, Sonic immediately amassed a massive fanbase, some more reserved than others. One particular incident involved a pink hedgehog breaking into his Green Hill Zone apartment and raping him. He denied the whole affair and put it down to karma. Tails is still chained up in Sonic's dungeon. One upshot of his success is that several copycat heroes have made names for themselves, some more successful than even Sonic himself. Sonic has since been playing a game of one-upmanship with this alleged recolor, often resulting in petty squabbles.
Shadow managed to commission his good friends Linkin Park to write a (suitably emo) song aimed entirely at Sonic, the now infamous among fans of all parties involved, "No U". This song was never released, but it ensured that over 9000% of all AMVs made by fans would feature Linkin Park's songs, helping propel them to success over their rivals in the AMV music business, Three Day's Grace. Oooh, that's a red link... evidence of Linkin Park's success then. :3
[edit] Sonic The Movie
The Wachowski Brothers (not to be confused with The Mario Brothers) offered to immortalise Sonic's adventure in the form a movie. He accepted, while forcing Tails' head deeper in between his knees in celebration of the news of Mario's diagnosis with Hepatitis, and is quoted as having said that "This is the best day ever". 10 months later the movie was released to abyssmal reviews and worse box office sales.
Sonic decieved Tails into thinking he was playing himself, when he was actually acting in an empty room with cardboard cutouts and the covers still on the camera lenses. Poor bastard didn't notice, even when Keanu Reeves fell over in to the water feature and ripped in half. Instead, Steve Buscemi was used. As a result, Tails was made 40000% creepier, suffered from psychotic paranoia and died near the end of the movie when Robotnik's fat carcass rolled over him, taking a few hours in the process and causing immense pain, which, being Steve Buscemi, he thoroughly enjoyed. Unfortunately, no stunt double was used in the scene, and Steve was killed. The decision to cast Vin Diesel as Knuckles backfired and he made everyone else look lame. He brought in most of the dough by upping the Jew factor and allowing for some borderline homoerotic flesh displays. But then when he started trying to act, the universe began to slowly collapse on itself, and Knuckles was cut from the movie after the opening titles.
[edit] Sonic in Combat
[edit] The Mushroom Kingdom War
Not to be confused with the Nintendo War, which is like confusing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I mean, guh!
While most forgot (Tails sure has hell didn't, not with those scars) about Sonic's escapade with Robotnik (who briefly turned emo afterwards), the repercussions were being felt across the universe in The Mushroom Kingdom. What then proceeded to happen was so inexplicable and random that it put The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time to shame. Mario and slaves friends travelled to Mobius and challenged them to a track and field contest. There were no reports of buttrape, molestation, injury or death. Probably because the whole thing was under Nintendo supervision. Goddamit! You'd think the furries would have at least gotten their yiff on.
[edit] Sonic in Brawl
In 2008 a tournament was to be held where heroes of shapes and sizes would fight to the death. It was held by Nintendo and they needed one more competitor. It was between Sonic or Jack Thompson. It was very close but they decided to turn to Sonic and make Jack Thompson an assist trophy. Unfortunately, Sonic was being held in the dungeons of the Sega corporation for protests against the abuse of his trust, famously labelled as "Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)", which is reported to have never happened and confused everyone. Nintendo slave, I mean ambassador, Masahiro Sakurai, pleaded Sega to release Sonic for the tournament, stating that they would, in return, give Sega popular Nintendo characters as personal slaves, like Geno, Mewtwo, Roy, Waluigi, any character from Golden Sun, porkey, any character from Star Fox that wasn't a clone of Fox, MORE F-Zero characters, Hitler, Christopher Walken, E.T., Oscar Wilde and Gay Satan. Sega agreed to this deal and Sonic was released to much cheer. To celebrate his freedom, Sonic and pals dined on Chris Thorndyke, also to much cheer. His opponents include Mario, Lucario, Fox McCloud, at least five people nobody cares about, Lucario, Mark Twain; out for revenge against Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill, God, Lucario, CATS, Chris Crocker, Weezer, Lucario and Simba. Chuck Norris was disqualified for giving Wario such an ass-pwning that he was handsome, and breaking Nintendo's three golden rules in one go:
- Nothing rated higher than U
- Use Wario's ugly mug whenever we need spare change for toll bridges
- Conquer the world through a series of fun mini-games
[edit] External links
Categories: Rewrite/Soft | Rewrite | SEGA | Video games | Animals | Gods | Sonic
