Sonic the Hedgehog
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- You may be looking for Silver the Hedgehog and not even know it!
- You may be looking for Shadow the Hedgehog and not even know it!
If you have noticed, Sonic has one giant eyeball with 2 pupils!
This shaky article appears to wash lithiums in the 2006 rebellion against Ian Paisley's lumber and is also C. Everett Koop's father . Oh, and it's also intersexual.
In other words, it's so repulsively random that it makes the oozing Marjory Basing-applepuddingstoke cry completely. Do something about it before it becomes wobbly.
“Since when do Hedghogs have blue skin?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sonic
“It's all about speed!”
~ Sonic on Everything
“It's all about mead!”
~ Pirate on Everything
“It's all about weed!”
~ Crackhead on Everything
“I hate that Hedgehog!!!”
~ Eggman on Hating that Hedgehog
Sonic the Preggo (b. 1981) was born an only child in (South Central) Los Angeles, California to the robot motherlord, Sega, and Sega's husband Goa Tse. He is a pregnant anthropomorphic hedgehog, capable of running at the speed of sound, Sonic hordes gold, and is notorious for his kleptomania, stealing golden rings everywhere he goes, and also being eternally pregnant since birth despite being a male. Because of his ring-stealing habits, he once had to spend 17 weeks in a hospital after stealing the rings from grenades, which caused him to miscarry several of his unborn children. If you didn't know yet, he is a Mobian, a pregnant anthropomorphic animal without pants. Or, apparently, a penis.
Sonic has a longstanding rivalry with Scientologists which happens to include the founding father, Dr. Robotnik. The origins of this rivalry are shrouded in mystery, although a common rumor is that Sonic stole the Scientologist's prototype for the HALO when Sonic's paranoid kleptomania first set in. Sonic was the rebel terrorist who re-kidnapped Princess Peach of The Mushroom Kingdom, consistently storing her in another castle, and thus igniting the Nintendo War.
Sonic is rumored to be a Transvestite because of his constant waring of gloves, his obsession with rings, his constant gestating of several offspring at any given time, his perfect hairstyle and just the way he looks at tails; however, Fan boys/girls/aliens/bitches hide the real evidence in the book of secrets.
Sonic recently got out of drug rehab, he has cleaned up his life and is ready to make a new game and even more babies.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Origin of the game
In 1069 Henry VIII grew tired of sports such as chasing and killing foxes and turned his attention to more indoor pursuits. Among these was the newly invented game, Sonic the Hedgehog. Due to the limitations of technology at the time this was played with beaver pelts and a large sack of salt. The object of the game was to collect as many beaver pellets as possible and then to unleash the mighty "Chaos Control!" upon the many audience members. This resulted in many deaths and, for some reason, the games were not very popular with the general public. As the game developed, it began to be performed out on the stage of a large theater. The background consisted of a large roll of specially painted canvas that was moved back and forwards in response to commands from Henry. 16 bits (the British word for midget) acted out the entire scene as Sonic and his enemies. Sonic was later played by an actual hedgehog, however blue had not yet been invented, so imagination was still a powerful component to the game.
[edit] Life in Green Hill Zone
Sonic The Hedgehog was born in February of 1981 and raised in Green Hill Zone by his mother Sega, and her then-boyfriend Danny Davito. Sonic never met his real father, as he was in jail for his alleged abuse of Sonic's mother. Immediately after his birth, he was brutally raped by Amy, who injected her eggs into Sonic's man-womb, making him pregnant. (It is a little known fact that the male hedgehogs get pregnant, just like sea horses.) Amy would continue to inject eggs into Sonic throughout his life, making him eternally pregnant with numerous unborn children in various states of development. He spent most of his time there chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool, and shootin' some b-ball outside of the school, and smokin' a six pack while gestating his offspring. He also said that growing up, his idols were Tupac Shakur (who gave him coolness), the various fetuses in his uterus, and Lightning McQueen (who inspired him to be super-fast). Most of Green Hill Zone's inhabitants are animals. Sonic grew up peacefully and had a fairly easy life on Green Hill Zone, disregarding his father's insistence on holding 'Funbag Fridays, (AKA Teabag Tuesdays)', the daily raping, and the constant childbirth out of his ass. But other than that, it as peaceful. However, one fateful day, after the daily rape and impregnation, Sonic took LSD and up and went to college at University of Mushroom Kingdom, going on to join one of those worthless hippie and communist organizations. Only when Dr. Robotnik began to lead the vanguard into tyranny did Sonic put down the bong and seek to stop oppression. He did, for the time being. But his mother never allowed this event to be heavily publicized, in fear of one of Robotnik's accomplices assassinating Sonic, killing him and his numerous unborn children.
[edit] Treatment Inside The Mushroom Kingdom
Sonic The Hedgehog had grown tired of Princess Peach's mistreatment of Toadstools, inspiring him to join PETT, People for the Ethical Treatment of Toadstools. After throwing blood on Peach's shoes and calling her Eichmann, he was arrested and forced into hard labor, under slave-like conditions, being denied any pain killers for the almost daily ass birthings. He was sold to a slave owner living outside of Mushroom Kingdom. He was forced to work and gestate even more babies along with a group of illegal Mobian immigrants who had snuck into Mushroom Kingdom. These were hard times for Mobians, many Mobians throughout Mushroom Kingdom were forced into slavery, but Sonic was the only one who was forcibly impregnated. They were cruelly beaten and whipped, and most Mobian women were raped by their masters. All of the slaves were forced to harvest what the plantation owner passed off as "beans", actually carefully-disguised marijuana. It was during work on a steaming hot and sexy day at the quarry that Sonic met Miles 'Tails' Prower. They immediately fell in lust and began a forbidden relationship, secretly engaging in hot juicy kisses, and soon had Knuckles joining in for a threesome. At least, that is how it went in Tails' pregnophilic fantasies.
It was also during this time that secret discussions of rebellion were taking place amongst the illegal Mobian immigrants, who liked to steal the jobs of hard working Mushroom Kingdomites.
- Disclaimer: Immigrants are people who cross to another country.
[edit] Strikes and Further Planning
Sonic himself became fascinated by these talks of rebellion, and showed up at secret rebel meetings along with several other Mobian slaves. All were held by Knuckles the Echidna, who at that time was the voice of Mobian rebellion. It was at this time that Sonic met the rebel princess Sally Acorn at a secret rebel meeting. Sonic would later fall in love with her despite the fact that he was pregnant with Amy's offspring. Sonic became an active member in the secret talks and he himself organized a strike in order to achieve better treatment for Mobian immigrants within The Mushroom Kingdom. Holding signs proclaiming unrealistic ideals such as "Mobian Liberation" and "Stop the War in Iraq!," the protesters were severely beaten and arrested. Sonic soon began to see that voting and waiting for things to change slowly and over a period of decades had to be taken in order to achieve better conditions for Mobians.
However, Tails held more proactive views that were soon adopted by Knuckles the Echidna, claiming that a revolution must take place in order to liberate the Mobians from slavery, establishing a new society where the Grateful Dead were always on repeat, and where war would be a thing of the past, man. So plans were drawn, and the Mobians were to kidnap and sodomize Princess Peach, and conquer the Mushroom Kingdom in her absence. The Mobians needed as much help as they could get. Sonic rounded up all of his fellow slaves, who reluctantly agreed to join the rebels after Sonic promised that oral sex would be preformed on them. He didn't keep his promise, but all the slaves had already forgotten about it anyway.
[edit] The Mushroom Kingdom War
The Mobian rebels attacked the very next day. However, the Mobians were heavily outnumbered by The Mushroom Kingdom's army. This was a major problem until Luigi entered the fray and offered to be cloned into a mighty army, joining the Mobians and betraying the Mushroom Kingdom, a federal offense. After having passionate sex with every Mobian woman and waiting for the children to be raised, the clones were ready. So, with thousands of neglected and child-molested Luigies, the militia walked in and killed every man, woman, child, and animal in the kingdom, then hung their skins on the walls of the city. After victory, Sonic took Princess Peach and beheaded her. He then jumped violently on her head, only for it to turn into a cuddly animal which scurried away.
The Mobians rejoiced, and Sonic was hailed as a hero. They were finally liberated from slavery and started a new society free from the warranty of Mushroom Kingdom bastards. However, Amy was still allowed to forcibly rape and impregnate Sonic at will. Sonic, Knuckles, and Princess Sally were elected as the leaders of Mobius, and together they rooted out every last remaining slave-owner, raped them, and beat them nearly to death. Sonic and Sally married months later, their first child, gestating in Sonic's womb with Amy's spawn, of course, is due soon. However, the matter of Mario, Peach's boyfriend, still remained. He envied Sonic, and hated him for killing Peach. They duked it out every chance they got, giving Sonic a few miscarriages.
[edit] Reference
To find out what happened after Sonic kidnapped Princess Peach, see Nintendo War please. To find out why Sonic's blue, please can you see the article on Mark Rothko? Alternatively, if someone still hasn't written it, please write it.
[edit] Sonic's Decline
After Sonic's glory days spent in the 16-bit era (1992-1994) on the Sega Genesis, things began to go wrong as Sonic began to carry too many babies in his womb. Entering the 32-bit era (1996) with lack-luster games such as Sonic X-Treme (for the Sega Saturn) and Sonic 3-D Blast, it was evident that Sonic games should remain in 2-D format.
After the 32-bit era, things started to really get ugly. Sega, spearheading the 128-bit era (2001) with Sonic Adventure for the Sega Dreamcast, it was clear that Sega no longer even knew what they were doing to themselves, especially to their beloved mascot. With awful controls, voice acting, and being a terrible game, Sonic Adventure was an immediate FAIL in the gaming community.
Sega didn't even learn from their mistakes. Still, even today, they're cranking out Sonic the Hedgehog games like a growing Mexican family. Still, Sega/Sonic Team have a loyal fan-following in the 12-year-old community. It's safe to play the Sonic games that include only the original characters: Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Sonic's unborn babies and are on the Sega Genesis. BUT BE SURE TO AVOID ALL THE 3-D GAMES, AND THE GAMES INCLUDING ONE OR MORE OF THESE CHARACTERS:
- Espio the Chameleon
- Vector the Crocodile
- Charmy Bee (ugh)
- Big the Cat
- Tikal the Echidna
- Shadow the Hedgehog (for god's sake this guy's ugly)
- Rouge the Bat (ew...)
- Cream the Rabbit (obnoxious)
- Blaze the Cat
- Jet the Hawk
- Wave the (Suck AND) Swallow
- Princess Elise
- Silver the Hedgehog
[edit] Good Sonic Games
- Sonic The Hedgehog (Sega Genesis, 1991)
- Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Sega Genesis, 1992)
- Sonic The Hedgehog 3 (Sega Genesis, 1993)
- Sonic CD (PC, Sega Genesis, 1993)
- Sonic & Knuckles (Sega Genesis, 1994)
[edit] Failed Sonic Games
- Sonic 3-D Blast (Sega Genesis)
- Sonic Spinball (Sega Genesis)
- Tails Adventure (Game Gear)
- Sonic The Hedgehog: Triple Trouble (Game Gear)
- Sonic Drift (Game Gear)
- Sonic Drift 2 (Game Gear)
- Sonic R (Sega Saturn)
- Sonic Rush (PC)
- Knuckles Chaotix (Sega 32X)
- Sonic Adventure (Sega Dreamcast)
- Sonic Shuffle (Sega Dreamcast)
- Sonic Adventure 2 (Battle)(Sega Dreamcast)
- Sonic Heroes (GameCube)
- Shadow The Hedgehog (Multi)
- Sonic Advance (GBA)
- Sonic Advance 2 (GBA)
- Sonic Advance 3 (GBA)
- Sonic Riders (Multi)
- Sonic The Hedgehog (Xbox 360, PS3)
- Sonic & The Secret Rings (Wii)
[edit] The Teachings of Sonic
Hedgehogs that follow the teachings of Sonic run through loops to reach a state of Nirvana while fighting off lies and deceptions fed to them by Yuji Naka, the self-proclaimed creator of Sonic who directed the movie, Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie. He, along with ass partner Takashi Iizuka, is currently trying to defame Sonic by ruining his games in the human world in order to turn more hedgehogs and humans alike over to the Dark Side. His secret name is Darth Naka the Baka and he is indeed a Sith - and a nerdy one at that. It is currently believed that he is the right hand bitch of Mario, who got jealous because Sonic's games were by far superior and also jealous that Sonic got the last doughnut at the 1997 Nintendo/Sega family picnic. Currently there is a rebellion in the Sonic Team to overthrow him but all attempts so far have ended in failure. For example, Naoto Oshima (the last poor soul brave enough to challenge Naka) was pwned by Sega and is now forced to be a slave for X-Box, making shitty games about cats and time travel.
[edit] Sonic the Saviour
In the year 1976 (or 0 S.C. as hedgehogs call it), Sonic the Hedgehog came to the world to save all hedgehogs and birth alot more. He was 'born' in an English pub, to the road safety hedgehog and an old man who had no luck with the ladies and so resorted to bestiality. Moving swiftly on, when Sonic was 15, he started his life's work to proclaim the holiness of hedgehogs. Unfortunately, no one took notice because they thought hedgehogs were too slow, so in 1991(15 S.C.), he made a game featuring himself in which he ran at the speed of sound and kicked Satan's, aka Robotnik or Eggman, ass, despite being pregnant. it was an instant success and warped the minds of people around the world. Earth soon became a hedgehog-loving planet. To keep his hold, Sonic released many games through Sega and even brought the other two parts of the Trinity, Tails and Knuckles, to the show. He made cartoon shows, comics, toys his famous film, baby hedgehogs, and even shoes. It seemed his teachings were going to take root. However, it all went wrong. In 2003 after the amazing games that were SA1 and SA2, Sonic Heroes came out. Three years down the road Shadow the Hedgehog and Sonic Riders came out. There was only one word to describe them: shit. Sonic did his best by adding a hand held game series, designed for Nintendo's Game Boy and called Sonic Advance. It almost brought Sonic back to his proper place, until the second title of the hand held series was released, creatively titled Sonic Advance 2. Cream the Rabbit, fearing she wasn't getting every single piece of attention possible, added herself into the series. This dealt a blow 12 times worse than the addition of Shadow. Former bummers of Sonic were now calling for his death; Tails had his tails cut off and lost his powers of sickly cuteness on Earth; Knuckles ironically was crippled by protesters wearing knuckledusters, and now . It all came to a close when someone threw Sonic's only weakness over him, water. He melted away and so ended the first coming of Sonic. Bastard Eggman. Sonic also loved to shove his hand up little boy's asses.
[edit] Sonic the Criminal
In Sega's last ditch chance to grab money with the help of Sony, they marketed a Sonic version of the movie to own all movies, RoboCop where Sonic kills off Miles "Tails" Prower and Tails comes back to kick Sonic's pregnant ass, nearly giving him a miscarriage. Peter Weller only accepted the role as Tails only if he didn't have to wear a damn suit. Sega reassured him that all they needed was for him to speak in a microphone in air conditioned heaven with cigars. Weller immediately responded with a "Fuck YES" and also became Tails' voice for hell Sonic's voice actor Satan would move on to That 70's Show and Ronny Cox (who played Christopher Thorndyke) laughed his ass off to death when he saw Chris die. Sonic is a hypocrite for always taking down bad guys. I mean, the guy stole a fucking prehistoric egg, inserted it into his man-womb, and replaced it with a rock, for Christ's sake!
[edit] Recent Life
Most recently, Sonic has paid a trip to drug rehab. He had become dependent on LSD after many uses. Sally was also addicted to acid. Sally would usually only have one hit, though. Sonic took LSD every day, doing significant damage to his unborn children. He was released but took up heroin three months later, giving his unborn children even more birth-defects. Sally called an ambulance after Sonic began snorting the heroin, mistaking it for cocaine after drinking liquor and getting drunk. "He's just laying there...I think he's trying to masturbate", Sally said in the 911 phone call. The ambulance arrived, he was pronounced dead. But after a shock from a defibrillator, Sonic was revived and still pregnant. He remained in a coma for ten days before waking up even more pregnant than before.
[edit] Sonic in Brawl
In 2008 a tournament was to be held where heroes of shapes and sizes would fight to the death. It was held by Nintendo and they needed one more competitor. It was between Sonic or Jack Thompson. It was very close but they decided to turn to Sonic and make Jack Thompson an assist trophy. The ambassadors of Nintendoland had to go speak with the ambassadors of Segaland. Sonic was held in Guantanamo Bay for trying to assassinate the president of Sega. Sonic stated this when he was locked up, "All I signed up for was to beat some fat guy in a red suit up once or twice a week and maybe some gay fox would follow me around, not fight some sort of God and team up with two other hedgehogs. At this point, nobody, and I mean nobody is reading the article. Honestly, if you have gotten thru this unformatted pointless drivel, I'd be impressed. Anyway, back to the pointless babblings that is this article. One of them isn't even a hedgehog he's a porcupine!" Nintendo slave, I mean ambassador, Masahiro Sakurai, pleaded Sega to release Sonic for the tournament, even tho he was pregnant, stating that they would, in return, give sega popular nintendo characters as personal slaves, like Geno, Mewtwo, Roy, Waluigi, any character from Golden Sun, porkey, any character from Star Fox that wasn't a clone of Fox, MORE F-Zero characters, Hitler, Christopher Walken, E.T., Oscar Wilde and Gay Satan. Sega agreed to this deal and Sonic was released and still pregnant.. Sonic's Final smash appears to be him absorbing the power of the 7 Chaos Emeralds with his pregnant belly, but really it is just him absorbing the power of an enormous supply of steroids. Anybody can do anything they want on a couple of roids.
[edit] Origins
Sonic Speed: Sonic the hedge hog drank POWERTHIRST so he could run as fast as kenyans!! even tho he is pregnant.
Couler: Sonic is blue because theres a stereotype that sound is blue and his being pregnant is cutting of his circulation. That stereotype is made by a giant communist toad named wart who lives in your dreams...
Sonic has cleaned up and is ready for a new game, despite being heavily pregnant. Hopefully, it won't suck like the last crap for the 360. Even more recently, Sonic and Amy are expecting more children than previously thought possible, Sonic said the nonconsensual sex was great even tho Amy is constantly injected more eggs into Sonic's man-womb, making him even more pregnant in the process.
[edit] False Sonic, Sally, and Mario Shit
The press apologized to Sonic, Amy and Mario for the false rivalry. Actually, Sonic and Mario are good friends "We never hope to here BS about us again" Mario said while homo-erotically rubbing Sonic's preggo tummy, after Samsh War I (teh battle against Tabuu) the two agreed to prevent fans from misguiding us.
EDIT The author of the above article is hereby recalling his writing. "I'm waiting for my balls to drop," He states. "I'm freakin' in love with Sonic the Hedgehog!! I love him so much that I masturbate while playing Sonic Heroes!! And let me just say, Amy is so god damn hot!!" Before he could continue, the other kids from the playground arrived and began beating the crap out of him.
[edit] How Sonic got into Subspace
Chaos told Sonic that there was a disturbance in the Smash World. After grabbing the emeralds kissing Amy good-bye, he hopped in the Tornado and flew off to assist Mario. It took some time because he got lost in the great maze and duked it out with Porky Minch. "The guy just got up in my face and called me road-kill which got me rather annoyed. He made me go crazy-ass on him but for a chubby fatass he can fight like a terminator in his robot thingy he calls 'The Absolutely Safe Capsule' what sucks for him is the door nob to the door of the what ever he calls it broke so now he can't get out." Sonic said to Mario while they where just chilln'..
[edit] External links
Categories: Random | Intentionally Bad | SEGA | Video games | Animals | Gods | Sonic | Pregnancy
