Soul patch

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A soul patch is an over-the-counter aid used to help remove a person's soul. Worn on the arm as one would wear a nicotine patch, the patch soaks up the soul, which can then be kept for future use, or stored in a safe deposit box. It typically takes 4-5 days of use to fully remove someone's soul, though there are reports of up to ten days for especially holy people like priests, and as little as five hours for some trial lawyers and English teachers.

[edit] What is a Soul?

The soul is a clear liquid about 10mg in volume, similar to tears. When you cry, the soul is trying to escape. So suck it up, pussy.

[edit] Why?

There are a few reasons why someone may not want their soul.

• Easy weight loss, mostly from around the thighs.

• Businessmen or lawyers who want an especially un-joyous life in return for being stern-faced at the negotiation table.

• Stand-up comedians will remove their souls to prevent themselves from laughing on-stage.

• Any sin committed not in the presence of your soul doesn't count. People will remove their souls before doing something such as killing another man, or any other abomination unto God. They're free to sodomise all they want, it's on the house.

• If you are selling your soul, you need to get it out of your body one way or another. The trade of used soul patches in America is illegal however, so most transactions occur overseas. This includes offshore websites such as www.HorseBettingAndSoulSelling.com.

• It provides for easier and more efficient shanking, should one wish to shank their soul.

• Scientists find it easier to study the soul once it is removed and placed under a microscope. Dissecting one's soul usually reveals small molecules that consist of Cumulative Reactions to All People (CRAP).

[edit] Other Uses

Smoking someone's used soul patches is a depressant similar to marijuana. Also makes for great ingredient chip dip. Just extrude one soul from the soul patches using a meat tenderiser, and mix the clear liquid into your favourite dip. Also adds a nice kick to BBQ sauce.

While some suspect having their soul eaten may not be worth denial of an afterlife, it's been long suspected that the entire human race was created only so Jesus could win the annual Buffalo Wing Cook-off between He and Satan; either way your soul's going to be eaten at one time or another. However, after Satan discovered how to implement souls into not only the sauce but the breading, Jesus created Christianity only to ensure He always has more souls than Satan, assuring His wings remain the tastiest.