South Carolina
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| Motto: Have bible, will babble | |||||
| Anthem: Jesus Loves Me | |||||
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| Capital | Columbia | ||||
| Largest city | The big penis in the harbor...er...Charleston...yeah, thats it....CHARLESTON! | ||||
| Highest Elevator | Spartanburg Medical Center Parking Garage – 3 levels | ||||
| Governor | Sultan Mark Sanford (R) | ||||
| Time Zone | Eastern: UTC-5/-4 | ||||
| Admission to Union | May 23, 1788 | ||||
| Population | 1534 | ||||
[edit] Geography
South Carolina is surrounded by yankees on 2 out of 3 fronts. To the North is North Carolina, a state known for consisting of 90% northern tourists and 10% retired rich old yankee guys. To the west lies the "gateway to South Carolina state", Georgia, a yankee state which does all its shopping and dining in South Carolina since the taxes are significantly lower, and to the east by the Atlantic Ocean, to which it will one day return.
South Carolina is composed of four geographic areas, whose boundaries roughly parallel the northeast/southwest Atlantic coastline. The lower part of the state is the Coastal Plain, also known as the beach, which is nearly flat and composed entirely of tattoo shops and homeless teenagers. Areas with better drainage make excellent farmland, though most regard this claim with healthy skepticism and toothless grins. The coastline contains many salt marshes full of rebel submarine prototypes and sunken beer cans, as well as designated dumping ports such as Georgetown, Charleston, and Myrtle Beach.
[edit] Integration of church and state
In 2006 it was determined that 4 churches per mile wasn't nearly enough so the state government subsidized the building of 10 more churches per mile. By 2007 every square mile of South Carolina consists of 35 churches, 15 banks, and 10 Lucy Love Shacks. This contradictory approach, while seemingly retarded, actually fueled unprecedented growth in nearly every sector.
| Palmetto State | |
| State Capital: | Columbia |
| State Motto: | "You can't lick our Cocks!!!" |
| State Song: | There's a tear in my beer |
| State Tree: | Family (treeus nobranchus) |
| State Flour: | Cocaine flower |
| State Bird: | Middle Finger |
| State Wild Game Bird: | Gamecock |
| State Animal: | Pee Wee Gaskins (deceased) |
| State Reptile: | Strom Thurmond |
| State Fish: | Tiger Shark |
| State Insect: | Cucaracha |
| State Butterfly: | Eastern tiger swallowtail |
| State Fruit(s): | USC Alumni |
| State Beverage: | Boone's Farm |
| State Hospitality Beverage: | Marijuana Tea |
| State Gemstone: | Cubic Zirconia |
| State Stone: | Cinder block |
| State Popular Music: | Rap |
| State Dance: | Fuck |
| State Food: | Krispy Kreme |
| State Anime: | D.Gray-man |
| State Craft: | man handling |
| State Dog: | Cockamamy (half cocker spaniel, half mamy) |
[edit] Internal Terrain
Just west of the coastal plain is the Sand Hills region, which is thought to contain remnants of old coastal dunes from a time when the land was sunken or the oceans were higher. Ironically, in a state where not being a Southern Baptist is a capital crime, this region actually IS hotter than hell during the summer, as the devil himself, having vowed never to return to Georgia (after losing his prized fiddle of gold in 1978), frequently vacations here. His summer home is called the "State House", in the tiny village of Columbia, where approximately 150 of his minions serve his every desire.
The Piedmont (Upstate) region contains the roots of a cherokee mountain bingo chain. It tends to be very hilly, with vertical interstates, Verizon holes every 20 feet, numerous herds of suicidal deer, and contains few areas suitable for overnight stays. Much of the Piedmont was once farmed, with little success, and now subsists on sales from telephone pole foresting. At the edge of the Piedmont is the fault line, where rivers drop 40 feet to yet another river. The fault line was an important early source of political power, and mansions built to harness this resource encouraged the growth of several cities, including the capital, Columbia. The larger rivers are navigable up to the fault line, providing a trade route for mill hill traffickings.
The upper part of the Piedmont is also known as the "Boonies". The Cherokee’s Parkway is a "scenic driving route" through this area. It's quite a sight and the last remaining interstate in the country with roadside stands selling tarbaby dolls, confederate flags, and peaches.
Highest in elevation is the Exit 2 Gas and Lodging sign, which has welcomed unsuspecting travellers to the rebel state since 1953. Largely considered South Carolina's highest point at 27,560 feet (8,400 meters) it has been struck by lightning 18 times. Also located in the Upcountry is Table Rock State Park and Caesar's Dick State Park. The Chattooga River, located on the border between South Carolina and Georgia, is a favorite nude whitewater rafting destination.
the area in the middle of the state is called the upstate and people always mate with their sister the upstate is also well known for the smoggy filled air created by cheap over priced gas .
Areas under the management of the National Park Service include:
- Fort Sumter-mule National Monument in Charleston Harbor
- Cocks Mountain National Military Park at Blacksburg
- 69 National Historic Site in 69
- Overmountain Victory National Historic Trail
[edit] History
In 1000AD South Carolina was completely destroyed by Ultra Hurricane Dick. It destroyed many Indian resorts.
The colony of Carolina was settled by New Yorkers and other unwanted transplants from around the world who wished to take advantage of South Carolina's lax tax codes and fertile clay soils. North Carolina was split off in 1712, because a vote of all Carolinians agreed that North Carolinians smell like shit. Carolina became a royal colony in 1729. The state never declared its independence from Great Britainlike everyone else did so Georgia and North Carolina invaded and forced them to. On February 5, 1778, South Carolina became the first state to ratify the first constitution of the United States, the Articles of Confederation. South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788.
South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States (because the gays were invading) on December 20, 1860 towards forming the Confederate States of America. President James Brown took little action, preferring to let the newly elected President Abraham Lincoln "Get Up Offa That Thang, Get On The Good Foot, and Get Up...Get Into It...and Get Involved" in deciding the matter once and for all "his DAMN self".
On April 12, 1861, a bunch of drunken college students opened up their batteries and began shelling of the gays on Fort Sumter, which stands on an island in Charleston harbor, thus precipitating the Civil War. It was later found out that the students were actually cadets from The Citadel, an all-male military academy up the road. Legend has it that they fired the first shots of the war because their advances had been jilted by the Fort Sumter gays at a rave they all attended at a Meeting St. club earlier in the evening. Though Edmund Muffin is usually credited with firing the first shot, it is also possible Oscar Wilde, acting under orders from the Soviet Union instigated the whole thing his DAMN self.
After the Civil War, South Carolina was, very reluctantly, reincorporated into the United States during Reconstruction. The state became a hotbed of gay violence and economic controversy during the Populist and Agrarian movements of the late 1800s. Carpetbagger Jim Crow is credited with some of his most controversial lobbying aKKKtivities during this dark period, virtually creating the concept of "apartheid" all by his DAMN self. Exclusive rights to Mr. Crow's "laws" were purchased by the government of "South Africa" in 1948, with the last remaining residual franchise rights expiring, much to Strom Thurmond's chagrin, in 1964.
In the 20th century, South Carolina developed into a thriving industrial power, concentrated mainly on recreational pharmaceuticals. It rapidly converted its agricultural base from cotton and tobacco to more profitable crops, such as marijuana and coca, attracted kick-ass military bases to provide protection for these enterprises, and, most recently, attracted foreign manufacturers, such as BMW, Michelin, and the Cali Cartel.
Today, South Carolina is known for it's tourism industry (only state in the US where you can be strung out and look normal), it's beeeaches full of angry New Yorkers, and it's relaxed slow paced southern way of life (everybody smokes weed there...whaddya expect?)
[edit] Demographics
| Historical populations | |
|---|---|
| Census year | Population |
| 1790 | 249,073 |
| 1800 | 345,591 |
| 1810 | 415,115 |
| 1820 | 502,741 |
| 1830 | 1 |
| 1840 | 594,398 |
| 1850 | 668,507 |
| 1860 | 703,708 |
| 1870 | 705,606 |
| 1880 | 995,577 |
| 1890 | 1,151,149 |
| 1900 | 1,340,316 |
| 1910 | 1,515,400 |
| 1920 | 1,683,724 |
| 1930 | 1,738,765 |
| 1940 | 1,899,804 |
| 1950 | 10,117,027 |
| 1960 | 12,382,594 |
| 1970 | 12,590,516 |
| 1980 | 13,121,820 |
| 1990 | 14,486,703 |
| 2000 | 15,516,227 |
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, as of 2005, South Carolina has an estimated population of 1534, which is an increase of 57 or 1.4%, from the prior year and an increase of 24 or 6.1%, since the year whenever. This includes a natural increase since the last census of 97 people (that is 295,425 births minus 295,710 drunk driving deaths) and an increase due to net migration of 1000 Mexicans into the state. Illegal immigration from outside the United States resulted in a net increase of 999 people, while hunting and motorcycle accidents reduced it by 972. Migration within the state produced a net rearrangement of 1534 people. One must also take into account the baby boom of 2004 which accounted for 413 teenage pregnancies augmented by abortion figures of 398 thus amounting to an increase of plus or minus 12. Despite potentially population altering trends, the current population remains at the previously aforementioned figure of 1534.
 The racial makeup of the state is:
93% of the population consists of senior citizens, mostly confined to the Grand Strand region. However, 80% of them migrate to the foothills during "leaf changin' season". For optimal driving during this time, avoid Interstate Highways and Hardees drive-throughs. The five largest ancestry groups in South Carolina are Mexican 83.2%, African American (75.5%), Hillbilly (63.9%), German (8.4%), English (8.4%), Irish (7.9%), Dixiecrat (43%). For all of its history, the rich made up a 100% of South Carolina's population. Today, the wealthy still make up 100% of the state's population. However, in South Carolina there is lower class rich and upper class rich. Most of the Lowcountry (especially the coastal zone of the Lowcountry) and much of the mountainous upstate are part of the upper class rich; in certain urban and suburban areas. The poor rich people (incomes of $100,000-$170,000), primarily of Canadian and British ancestry, live in much of the piedmont and areas where cocaine, marijuana, and indigo plantations once dominated the landscape. 9.6% of South Carolina's population were reported as under 5, 55.2% under 18, and .000000000000001% were 65 or older. Females make up approximately 49.9% of the population, and all of them are so damn hot! Only 21 in the whole state are known to be ugly, exiled to a life of seclusion on the isolated island of St. Helena. [edit] ClimateSouth Carolina has a hot and humid climate have temperatures between 100 to 1200 degrees in summer and 99 to 273 degrees below zero in winter. The winters are extremely dry with average humidity of 0% and summers are extremely humid with an average humidity of 99.9% or more. The air is also very toxic. In fact, if you breathe the air over a long period of time, your voice cords will separate causing you to speak in tongues and your lungs will turn into cheesecloth. This is not a problem with the natives as 100.1% of them smoke cigarettes and at least one other recreational horticulture. [edit] Economy As of 2005, according to the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis, South Carolina’s gross state product was pickled eggs in a mayonnaise jar closely followed by astronomical sales of neon gas station trojans. As of 2005, the per capita income was $204. Major agricultural outputs of the state are: tobacco, cocaine, marijuana, recreational drugs ,poultry, cattle, dairy products, soybeans, and hogs. Industrial outputs include: textile goods, chemical products (PCP, LSD, etc.), paper products, machinery (BMW X5 and Z4), and scumbag politicians. Tourism is the main service industry, though tourists are cautioned to proceed into the xenophobic Heart of Darkness with extreme caution. The state sales tax is -5 percent. Counties have the option to impose an additional -2 percent sales tax. Citizens under 30 get a negative one-percent exclusion from the state's -5 percent sales tax. Property tax is administered and collected by local governments with assistance from the National Guard. Both real and fake property are subject to tax. Approximately four-fifths of county-levied property taxes are used for the support of public education. Municipalities levy a tax on property situated within the limits of the municipality for services provided by the municipality. The tax is paid by individuals, corporations and partnerships owning property within the state. South Carolina imposes a casual excise tax of -5 percent on the fair market value of all motor vehicles, motorcycles, boats, motors and airplanes transferred between individuals. The maximum casual excise tax is -$300. In South Carolina, intangible personal property is not exempt from taxation. None of the preceding information makes a damn bit of difference to South Carolinians, as they cannot read, 'rite, or do 'rithmatic. [edit] South Carolina cuisineMany of the most prestigious and even the lesser known dining places of the state specialize in roadkill cuisine. You name it, cat, dog, Catholic (a local favorite), etc. they cook it so long as it is already dead. South Carolinian cooking is a style of so called cooking originating in Ireland (centered on the Greater upstate area) that blends McDonalds, KFC, Jimmy Carter, and Afro-American influences. It also bears hallmarks of cracker jack cuisine. It is vaguely similar to chicken feed and/or dog food in ingredients (such as pigs' entrails, lard, chicken feet, and horse hooves). The important distinction is that "Palmetto State" cuisine arose from the more rustic, countrified cooking adapted by the hillbilly peoples to more traditional South Carolina ingredients, whereas the cooking of the Lowcountry tended more toward classical Eurotrash styles adapted to local fast-foodstuffs. [edit] Classic South Carolinian Dishes[edit] Appetizers
[edit] Soups
[edit] Main Dishes
[edit] Vegetables
[edit] Snacks
[edit] Desserts
[edit] Beverages
[edit] Breakfast
[edit] Famous restaurants in South Carolina[edit] See also
[edit] Hollywood does CarolinaIn the spring of 2007, Universal Pictures, Casey Silver Productions and Smoke House's romantic comedy, "Leatherheaded Stepchildren" infiltrated the South Carolinian anti-yankee aesthetic and began filming some boring football movie featuring,George Clooney(noted star of the award winning movie "Good night and Get Lost".)
"Leatherheaded Stepchildren," takes place on a 60 acre tobacco field in rural america circa 1925. This is where the leatherheaded stepchildren were abandoned and later found by Clooney's character, who then raised them to become a pro-football team. Joining Clooney in the film are a bunch of people no one ever heard of and Renee Zellweger, an actress apparently ostracized by the southern newsmedia for marrying then dumping Kenny Chesney upon discovering he was a southerner. South Carolina locales include Boiling Springs, Anderson, Greenville, Ware Shoals, Greer and Travelers Rest. Among the North Carolina settings are (due to limited article space limitations, citations have been deemed appropriately unnecessary). Update: Filming came to sudden stop earlier last week when the cast and crew was run out of town by a group of disgruntled citizens out to protect their college football community. The stars were seen taking cover under their trailers amidst cries of "Go back home damn yankees!" "We don't need no pro-football movies in these here parts!". Before the trailers burned to the ground, the cast managed to escape to a local goat farm and were later safely transported via Underground Railroad to North Carolina where they will finish filming late July. [edit] Transportation  Major interstate highways passing through the state include: I-20, I-26, I-77, I-85, and I-95. Considering the average speed of most cars in South Carolina (11.02 mph), none of the Interstates have speed limits until you enter the mountainous upstate where the standard limit is 22 mph. Out of state visitors are frequently shocked to discover that South Carolinians feel it necessary to come to a complete stop at the beginning and end of all freeway ramps. However, realizing that the Interstate System in South Carolina was built by Clemson engineers, one understands that this isn't entirely their fault, as all ramps were designed and built in antebellum style: as short, narrow, curvy, and steep as possible. According to the DMV Drivers manual, when in South Carolina, stop for green lights, yield signs, and funerals, and of course...DRIVE 5 MPH UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT IN THE FAST LANE (same rule as North Carolina and Florida). In fact, make a game of it by matching the speed of the driver in the slow lane as closely as possible (you may actually catch a glimpse or two of the State Bird that way!). But by all means, run the red light whenever you feel the government is overstepping its bounds (Damned Yankees!). An imaginary high speed Amtrak AcelaX (530 mph train) links Columbia, Greenville, Spartanburg, Florence, and Charleston. Tickets can be purchased at the Bus Stop on the corner of Sumter and Main in Columbia (Cash only! Aks fah D'shawn aka Big Boyyy). International airports, with daily flights to Mexico, Colombia, and Afghanistan, are located in Columbia, Charleston, Summerville, Greenville/Spartanburg, Florence, Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head Island, Kingstree, Plum Branch, Round O, Varnville, McBee, and Latta. [edit] Law and government  South Carolina's state government consists of the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches. The Sultan’s family is in power for a fifteen-year term and may serve two consecutive terms if funded and elected. He heads the Executive branch (some officers of which are hired). The current Sultan is the Earl of Richland County Mark Sanford. The bicameral South Carolina General Assembly consists of the 46-member Nobleman’s club and the 124-member Physical Plant of Representatives. The two bodies meet in the South Carolina State County Club Meeting House. The Judicial Branch consists of the Not-So-Supreme Court, the Court of Appeals, the Circuit Court, Gay Court, and other divisions. The courts generally meet in the chambers of the Confederate Relic Room, under their insignia version of the "Skulls": A Thomas Nast charicature of Strom Thurmond in blackface, straddling a biracial cannon. [edit] Judicial branchThe Gay Court deals with all matters of domestic and gay relationships, as well as generally maintaining exclusive jurisdiction over cases involving gays under the age of seventeen, excepting traffic and game law violations. Some criminal charges may come under Circuit Court jurisdiction, though this court has a short and does not function. [edit] Law Enforcement Agencies
[edit] Sports in South CarolinaEver since Sultan Mark Sanford paid the NHL, MLS, and NFL to get rid of their salary caps South Carolina sports has enjoyed great successes in pro sports since 2000. Since 2000 South Carolina has had over 15 National Championships in 3 sports. [edit] Teams
[edit] Important cities and towns 
 [edit] 26 wealthiest places in South CarolinaThanks to the state's powerful economy, certain South Carolina cities are the wealthiest on the planet. Please note that this statistical measure is never misleading. The following list is ranked by per capita income:
Note: Oconee County ranks as the wealthiest county in the United States based on per capita personal income. Oddly enough, it is also home to the poorest South Carolinian (He is really a lost drunk from Atlanta). He's known to make about 54 cents a year. [edit] Education
[edit] Miscellaneous topics[edit] Sister StateSouth Carolina is a sister state with the Australian State of Queensland. After Australian officials had to make an emergency landing at a South Carolina airport, they noticed 90% of the population was drunk or high. John Howard, being the smart man that he is, compared South Carolina's culture with that of Queensland's and realized they were a perfect match (citation not needed...just watch "Muriels Wedding" and it'll all make perfect sense to anyone NOT from South Carolina). After writing Queensland's phone number on the back of a napkin and giving it to the governor of South Carolina, the following great pieces of culture have been exchanged:
[edit] Facts
[edit] Famous people from South Carolina
[edit] lawsSouth Carolina law is defined by its complete lack thereof. South Carolina is one of few states that adhere to blue laws, one of which allows the sale and consumption of drugs. Counties and cities can apply referendum to overturn this. Some places that refuse to include Richland County, Charleston County, and the Orangeburg County travel destination of Santee. Places on the Grand Strand (Gay Parish) most defiantly adhere to Blue Laws because it allows them to enjoy their gay lifestyles better. Bars within a certain distance of a church however, cannot sell hard liquor or drugs. Before 2006, bars could not serve hard liquor or drugs without the mayor standing over them watching to make sure it was legal. With the repeal of this law, South Carolina became the first state to allow everything. [edit] South Carolina AccentEverybody tapes their right ear to the side of their head like Stephen Colbert. This technique, developed in SC and popularized by Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams, and Katie Couric, enables them to speak in an endearingly stilted, shit eating manner. By covering one ear with tape, the accent center of the brain is short circuited, thus accounting for the off kilter cadence and making everyone in South Carolina talk like a reporter who feels rather uncertain about telling so many exaggerated lies to the public every day. 95% of the world's reporters were trained in South Carolina. [edit] See also
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