Southampton
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Southampton (Latin: "cesspit of hideously ugly tower blocks and even more hideously ugly ladyboys" also known as Scumhampton, Scum, Yokeltown) is a small fishing village on the south coast of England adjacent to the Isle of Dogs, which is strangely inhabited by dogs only, and several miles from the fish humping city of Portsmouth and not close at all to the Isle of Wight because of global warming about 5 years ago.
People from Southampton are also known as Scum (or plumbers in general) after they stole all of the UK's hot dog's which left Liverpublicans very angry. There was a civil war over this and Southampton got shredded wheat and they are now full up. Southampton was shortlisted as capital city for England, but it's chances were hampered in 1965 when it officially became an Irish city. By 2005 every previous resident of Warsaw had listed their temporary address as Portswood, Southampton, leading to it's appointment as capital of Poland. It is currently the subject of a hostile takeover bid from the home counties, particularly Surrey.
The village of Southampton can be traced back to 1066, when some of William the Conquerors soldiers accidentally landed there thinking it was Hastings. To this day French is spoken as the language of choice by some of the locals, and Willy got knobbles.
Southampton has a small harbour where the famous fishing trawler Titanic sailed from in 1912, on it's ill fated Virgin trains voyage to Derby, where along the way it was sunk by Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson. It is also where the Southampton football team sunk after being eaten by live 50m long sharks and they have not risen since.
Southampton is home to the Spitfire fighter plane, which was created to destroy the condemned town until Slough came into existence. It is also known for the highest densely populated homosexual community (discounting Brighton as its population will soon be non-existant because of too much bumming.)
The village is near the grand capital city of Hampshire, Eastleigh, recently voted the best place to live in Britain or summink. Eastleigh has swallowed up much of Southampton, and as a result suffers with indegestion, and frequent bouts of diarrehea.
Research of the University of Southampton found that locals are actually genetically related to brillo pads and Rasputin and therefore are guilty of anything that goes wrong at the university, although this could just be bitterness on the part of the university students not being able to pull any of the local "birds" who refuse to fuck anything more diverse than a second cousin.
Like many other ex-docking cities, a large part of Southampton's workforce now sit around getting drunk and being Irish, aggrieved at the influx of Polish labour and the impact this has had on the sale of dodgy leather jackets and Guinness. Due to it's large and generally ugly Polish community, Southampton is the home of British denim culture, quick restaurant service and Carlsberg Special Brew.
A scummer is noticeable for its chavvy attire, repugnant odour and mispronunciation of vowel sounds (eg Like = Loike). If one wishes to see a Scummer (as well as a pompous, self-righteous, microscopic-penised twat), one needs only to tune into the Jeremy Kyle show.
In a recent survey carried out, 99.3% of Sotonians (posh word for scummers) actually believe that the World ends at Totton, whilst only 6% could name the current Prime Minister. Retardation and inbreeding is prevalent in the village, and locals still stare up at the sky and gawp in amazement every time a plane passes overhead.
Southampton is home to the world's first ever B&Q, which saw a large influx of tramps from all over Hampshire who took to the local delicacy of methylated spirits. As a result Swaythling is now totally populated by alcoholics with haggard beards and shitty woolly hats.
In 2006, they invaded Bournemouth and sold it to the French for a 1p coin they won on Deal or No Deal.
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[edit] Sport
Southampton is known for its unbelieveably shite football team, made up mostly of thieves. Recently two of their players were arrested for thieving from a staff room at a top Pompey nightstpot. They can take our purses, but they can't take our place in the premiership. They used to play at the legnedary dell but now play at a ground with a capacity over 22,000 (more than Fortress Fratton). The team was owned by local millionaire Rupert Lowe who, according to the local idiots, eats babies, has sexual relationships with teddies and even the heinous crime of creating marvellous soap opera Eldorado. Comically, The Scum were relegated in the 2004/05 season, thus depriving football fans the chance to see a perennial Premiership loser on its death struggle. In an attempt to gain promotion back to the Premiership, The Scum hired an unemployed rugby coach (no really, they did!)
The Scum are most famous for being the n'erdowell rivals of the South's most successful club Portsmouth F.C. (aka Kanu's Africa select XI.) Southampton's relegation was overseen by mayor of Portsmouth, Del Boy, who claimed "I took the job at Scum because no-fucker would buy Nigel Quashie off me. I only went in the first place so I could take the ugly cunt to the club and then scarper back to Pompey sharpish. In the end I done a cushty job and took them all the way down. I can't believe they fell for it, I knocked 'em bandy, the plonkers. Bonjour"
Rugby has yet to become popular in Southampton as confused locals have been known to try to boil the rugby balls to go with their morning toast. Another likely reason is that even those pikey mongs can see that rugby is a load of old shite.
Red n white barmy army
your all shit blates :))
[edit] Southampton Demographics
Population 746 - 100% Scum, 5% male "human", 7% "female" "human", 2% mathematicians at Southampton University, 56% Polish, 40% mum-shagging pikey.
Key Exports - Fish, rope, herpes, fish oil, string, fish fingers, illegal imigrants, fish noises, pianos, and hemmaroids.
Key Imports - prostitutes, foreign currency, The Bishop of Sodomy, and lots and lots of brilliant drugs that everyone loves.
Main Industries - (Male) Prostitution jokes
[edit] Education
There is a hotly debated topic as to how many universities there are in Southampton. The most intelligent of the debaters say 1, The University of Southampton, whose students are presumed to be living in exile in the village as they have disgraced Mummy and Daddy for failing to get into Oxford. Although there are lots of people with IQ's (apostrophe added by Southampton Uni's greatest student) under 50 that argue there are 2, The University Of Southampton and a fictional one called "Southampton Institute". Although Southampton Institute has now been proved to be an actual mental institute and so their opinions have been thrown out and all of them locked away with their sketch books and video cameras so they can draw themselves to death whilst filiming their own demise for a media studies project.
There is also rumoured to be St Mary's College - the first college to come with a mother and toddler creche for the students. It offers a wide variety of vocations for the local ASBOsians from plumbing to assault. The average pass rate is two - for the entire lifespan of the college - and the average life expectancy is 16.3 years. Subjects are taught by a variety of middle-aged men, all of whom have burring Hampshire accents (so much so, that if more than two are present, the friction from the burring will actually cause fire) and none of whom actually have first names and, if they did, they'd all be called 'Andy' or 'Steve'.
[edit] Laser idea
Recently, the tax-payer-funded council came up with one their worst ideas ever. They proposed to send four laser beams from the Southampton Clock Tower, one to the North, one to the East, one to the West, and one more to the South, to destroy Portsmouth.
Many people disliked this idea, particularly the people in Portsmouth, who immediately realsied that Southamptoners were jealous of their Spinnaker Tower. They came up with several ideas to block, reflect and otherwise stop the stupid beam of light from reaching as far as them.
They included:
- Building a large mud barrier between the two cities to blck the beam. Some would be happy with this idea where there a laser or not.
- Suspending a giant mirror above the city and reflecting the beam back to where it came from.
- Creeping into the city of Southampton and covering the clock tower in binliners, to stop the laser beam leaving it.
