Southampton F.C.

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“Southampton play in red and white stripes with black shorts”

~ Captain Obvious on Southampton

Southampton F.C. (or Sofamptun Fug Club) is a regional thug gathering club located in the small fishing village of Southampton on the South Coast of England. The club was formed to give local thugs in the area a place to feel welcome, many people were complaining that discrimination against thugs, brutes, chavs and scum was at a all time high, with many thugs feeling they couldnt leave the house for fear of being physically assaulted by the growing problem of dangerously placid citizens. In response to this prominent middle ages crusader Sire Harold of Redknapp LXXVI set the thug club (in this era the now prominent language of Southampish was still in its primitive stages) as a refuge for local thugs and brutes, or simply muscle-men who sympathise with their cause.

[edit] History

[edit] Rivalry

Pompeii Player Nikos Kranjčarius is furious with the Referees Decision to send him off

Southampton has been engaged with a lengthy religious war with the neighbouring state of Portsmouth, which dates back to the spiritual successor to Southampton, the Roman team Clausentum Sotonus. Sotonus met Portsmouth (in their original form Pompeii) AD78 Champions League final being held at the partially completed Amphitheatrum Flavium, with Pompeii leading 2-1, then Sotouns striker J. Beattus took a blatant dive just inside the box, and feigned decapitation - then a red card offence. Resultantly a penalty was awarded to Sotonus in the dying minutes of the match, La Tissius converted the penalty. After extra time which provided 3 goals a piece the match ended a 5-5 draw, and was to be decided on penalties. The penalties were a crowd pleaser, three players received the death penalty, and another was crucified, amongst others. Notably La Tissius defeated a tiger in combat. Eventually Sotonus came away victorious, leaving Pompeii fans blaming Beattus' last minute dive for their loss.

This was the start of a serious run of poor form for Pompeii, which saw them go 15 matches without a victory, failing to win at home all next season, before losing their entire fan base to a catastrophe in the close season. The following season saw extremely poor attendance, and the club slip into administration.

The referee escaped from the match, but was later found in Israel masquerading under a pseudonym, working as a local spiritual leader. However when his past came to light, a local life-long Pompeii Fan handed him over to roman official Pontius Pilot.

[edit] Post - Roman

In AD402 the hosts of the AD406 World Cup were announced, it was widely speculated that the Brittania Bid would be successful, voting was in their favour, unfortunately all voting was overruled by the transvestite hip-hop vocalist cum emperor Flavius Flavia who was widely believed to be high on hydroponic marijuana at the time. Instead the tournament went to Carthage, allegedly due to a somewhat dubious rotation policy. This cost southampton dearly as they lost many of theur players to the Britannia team that had to make the 7 month trek to Carthage. The team suffered from a severe bout of crucifiction, and despite the physios best efforts many were lost.

After the withdrawal of the Roman Empire, the team was relegated three times in successive seasons. They appealed to the FA at Soho Square claiming that the apocalyptic collapse of ordered society was severely affecting their long term prospects. Unfortunately the FA (Felicitious Apotemnophiliacs society) was little concerned.

The straw that broke the camels back was the four hundred and sixtieth. Subsequently the camel was buried, the club folded and the clubs mascot dog was accidentally huffed by a player who was high on kittens.

[edit] History

Southampton Playmaker Jake "the Pussey Cat" Jones is seen here challenging for the ball, Jones opitimises Southamptons more placid style of play

As mentioned earlier, the club was formed by Harry Redknapp (manager of Portsmouth) in 1987. He formed the club for a number of reasons:

• To give Pompey (Portsmouth F.C.) fans people to riot and fight against.
  
• To give the homosexuals in the area a club to support (Brighton was too far away and Sotonians are too poor to have cars).
  
• For tax fraud purposes (as revealed in a BBC documentry about bent manager).
  
• To see if it was possible to make a worse club than Charlton (No it wasn't)
  
• Harry was on drugs at the time and thought it would be 'groovy' to found a club.
  
• There are probably other reasons, maybe Harry is an alien or something.

Our mascot is a dog

[edit] Break Ins

They did once have a break in. In an interview after this even had happened, the manager was asked if any cups were stolen, upon which he promptley replied "no, they didn't get as far as the kitchen."

[edit] Moaning

A recenty poll found that southampton fans are mardiest fans in the country. It is found they also have the biggest import for sour grapes.

[edit] Southampton in the Premiership

They actually were in the Premiership (the top league in England) until they were deemed to rubbish to be there and got relagated to the Hampshire star newspaper league (about 19 leagues down from the premiership). Wilst in the Premier league, their record was played 107, won 15 (All against Portsmouth, much to the displeasure of Harry Redknapp), Drew 4 (all against Charlton), and lost 88.

[edit] Top Scorers

• Matt le Tissier, scored with 17 men
  
• Nigel Quasie, scored with 15 men, 1 woman (his mum)
  
• James Beattie, scored with 15 men
  
• Paul Jones (Former Wales international), scored with 8 sheep, 10 Men
  
• Grzegorz Rasiak, scored with 20 trees
  

Southampton don't usually 'score' in a game of Football, but when they do, all the fans group together for a massive stadium orgy. Too fucking right we do!

[edit] Sponsors

• 1987-1997 - Raper Tools
• 1997-2006 - No Friends Provident
• 2006 - Flybe.com
• 2008 - Uncle Jacks Famous Canned Dog Turd

[edit] Club Records

• Highest attendance - 1 (23 including animals)
• Highest Scoring game - Southampton 1 - 4 Portsmouth
• Biggest win - Southampton 1 - 0 Southampton JFC U8's (Junior Football Club)
• Biggest defeat - Southampton 0 - 0 Portsmouth (the real oser was football)
• Most consecutive wins: 4
• Most consecutive losses 79