Africa

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“The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I feel as though, it is in my duty... to help them.”

~ Bono

“I will terminate them! Did you know my surname means "Nigger drinking ginger ale?"”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on Africa

“Africa: the arsehole of the Earth!”

~ George Bush to Tony Blair at the G8 summit, thinking that his microphone was off

The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.

Africa is widely agreed to be Earth's shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, mudskippers, and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It's got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!

[edit] History

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you're studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it's safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren't always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the most powerful of them all, Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser "USA for Africa" benefited wildlife especially.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent's shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help - and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck! Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway! Just think of it as the moment Africa "jumped the shark," so to speak.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever -- the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can't blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

[edit] Economy

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Africa sad.

“Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!”

~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as "fecal-fiscal". This is because, Americans are the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet and don't know shit else than spread bullshit around. in general, most African nations' currencies are "worth shit". Feces have played an important role in African history. Throughout the history of Africa, feces have been used for anything from the construction of huts made entirely of human feces, use as a commodity for barter or trade, being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source; or being used in dried form to create colorful, fragrant jewellery. In fact, it is the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal use in African society is a large argument why Africa is still to this day considered earth's "shittiest" continent. Feces were (except in times of famine) a great, renewable "commodity from the commode" upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models: (damn i'm feeling real stupid right now)

• Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
• Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
• Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE TEMBE WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO MILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. $142,000,000.00)(TRANSLATES TO USD $1) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
• Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers. Finally,
• East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
• Somolia: A $10 bill.
• South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDs.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan bridge to nowhere? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord's boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don't. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

By the way, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one obese kid.

[edit] Exports

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Africa.

A map depicting an unusually intelligent American's conception of Africa.

• Out of Africa (movie)
• Asylum seekers
• Drug crime
• Knife crime
• French footballers
• Violent criminals
• Novelty "zulu tribesman" souvenirs
• Madagascar (the movie)
• Africa (song)
• Braided hair
• Black People
• Ebola
• Malaria
• Feces

STDs passed through zebra intercourse is no laughing matter.

• Ivory
• Conflict Diamonds
• Hurricanes
• The cool things about the French Foreign Legion
• AIDS

If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would've looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

• The Civil Rights Movement
• Apos'trophes t'hat s'erve no' purpo'se
• Chests filled with inherited cash
• Dirt
• Crime
• Gang rape
• Slaves
• Orphans
• Hilarious zoosex videos
• Tarzan
• Parasites
• Natural resources
• Bad smells
• All-male athletic teams
• Gruesome news stories
• Hippopotamuses
• The horror... the horror...

[edit] Government

What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION! WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!

[edit] Culture

Main article African Culture

A map depicting a more typical American's conception of Africa.

African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there's the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There's Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a "voodoo" religion in Africa. It's called "hoodoo", and trust me, you don't want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa's exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak "the click language." Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals and even small rodents.

[edit] Geography

Africa is, in fact, incontinent -- erm, a continent -- but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it's a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that's pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts. Which actually isn't too far from the truth.

Don't get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It's just that they're filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos... sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they've got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don't let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they're not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big brown wasteland with a remarkable likeness to their own continent, only longer. That is, of course, if they own an atlas. Or know what an atlas is. Or know what their continent actually looks like, for that matter. They should not let Rand-McNally fool them into thinking the North Pole is around Chicago and the South Pole around Florida. Still lost? Go to Miami and look East (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba - what you looking there for anyway? You know it's banned!): That's Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn't hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa's anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria, black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.

[edit] Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)

[edit] Conclusion

Africa sucks. Even fucking Cambodia comes off looking better by comparison. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it's normal to feel depressed. That's why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HD TV munching Doritos & enjoying the latest satellite package. Now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot. Sadly, however, there is little the world can do to help the starving people of Africa, because there a very exciting episode of "Survivor" on at the moment.

   

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