Space Marines
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“Orkz iz neva beat...'cept by dem”
~ Orks on Space Marines
“For the Emperor!”
~ Space Marines on cliched, repetitive and annoying battle cries
“Walk softly...and carry a big gun.”
~ A terrible game on defeating the purpose
“It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.”
~ Space Marine wisdom on Imperial Japan
“The Emperor guides my blade!”
~ Space Marine Commander on false modesty
“Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.”
~ Space Marine wisdom on Americans
“Here I am and here shall I die.”
~ Space Marine Primarch on absolute gar
Space Marines are superhuman warriors with the strength of ten men, the bravery of twenty men, the experience of one hundred men, and the subtlety of half a man. They are the elite military arm of the Mighty Benevolent Authoritarian-For-Your-Protection Imperium of Man. A Space Marine himself is a mighty human warrior who has had his physiology and psychology altered and improved so greatly that he can no longer be considered human, but rather, Australian. It is rumored that a Space Marine can kill a hundred normal men with his hands, such is his strength and skill in all forms of combat. The 'Combat Analysis Century' sent to ascertain the truth of this has not been heard of in months.
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[edit] Origin of the Space Marines
In the beginning, there was nothing. In the 31st Millenium, there was a lot more. And more importantly, there was The Emperor, who was like a cross between Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, Hitler and Justin Timberlake. By this point in time, humanity ruled the Sol System with an iron fist, ruthlessly defeating their prokaryotic foes that inhabited one or two of their planets. Humanity had also spread to numerous other planets, but according to an ancient astronomer, the universe was "lolhueg". The Emperor ruled on Holy Terra (see: Earth) and, as stated in his famous book Mein Kampf, believed his race to the greatest in the universe, and as such they were destined to rule it. However, unlike his small scale predecessor, the Emperor had a degree of competence. Under his direction humanity addressed the minor physics related problems of faster-than-light travel, mechs, among other things. The universe was, as previously stated, quite large, and it was inhabited by more hostile and sentient alien races than you could shake a chainsword at. While the Emperor's initial plan was to bring peace and prosperity to the races they encountered, he decided it would be a whole lot easier (ie. fun) to simply conquer the entire universe. This decision has never been questioned because everyone knows that owning noobz never gets old. If there's one thing humanity had at this point, it was manpower. The Imperial Guard formed the bulk of The Emperor's armies, and were simply a conventional army equipped as one would expect 29,000 years in the future: with reinforced flak jackets. To the surprise of many, 29,000 years of scientific progress did not result in effective personal armour that could be easily mass produced.
The Emperor decided that he needed a more powerful force to form the spearhead of his Great Crusade. In order to achieve this, he had all of humanity's greatest minds, those who came up with space travel, mechs, and flak jackets, work with the greatest biologists of the time in order to create a superhuman warrior. The Emperor himself, being an incredibly powerful psychic and superhuman warrior (because he is, don't ask why, his mother was a virgin there were only the midi-chlorians etc etc), donated some of his genetic material to the program. Eventually, the program bore fruit. As surprising as this was, the scientists and the Emperor ate heartily. Not long after this, the first superhumans were created. There were 20 of them, and each eventually be the supreme leader of a Space Marine Legion and would be known as the Primarchs. The Emperor was delighted at the level of ass-kickery evident in the Primarchs, as they were second only to him in power and were so far superior to humans as to be...well, extra-superhuman. Using the gene seed from these Primarchs, the scientists created a legion of ten thousand warriors for each Primarch using the same process. While less powerful than their Primarchs and far inferior to the Emperor himself, each Space Marine still had a power level of slightly over 9000, spelling the end of the Saiyan's rule of the Universe. The Space Marines dedicated their entire lives to training and their philosophy of "FOR THE EMPEROR", which usually involves gunning down fleeing foes as an offering to their progenitor. With the greatest weapons and armour available to the Imperium (not flak armour thank god, but powered armour), the Space Marines proved a nigh-invincible force. Forcing the enemies into head-on engagements where the Space Marines would charge across a flat battlefield at a dug-in enemy, none of their foes stood a chance. The Great Crusade went swimmingly until the Horus Heresy. But that...is another story.
[edit] Creation of a Space Marine
One could be mistaken for thinking that becoming a Space Marine is easy. For modern readers, a good comparison is joining the SAS. With no legs.
First of all, a suitable human must be found. A Space Marine recruit must be a young teenager as some of the implants, neural condition and psychotropic drugs that go into the development of a Space Marine will wreak havoc with post-pubescent bodies, causing an extreme mutations and insanity. There is also a 99.6% chance of the subject having a violent, prolonged and fatal seizure that will transform them from a functional human being into an invertebrate. So for all you mid-life crisis sufferers looking for a change of pace, go back to your expensive cars and young girlfriends: the Space Marines are not for you. Oh, and women can't be Space Marines. There are plenty of neurological and physiological reasons for this, but it's basically because women are not good enough. But don't worry, provisions have been made for you: See Nuns withs guns... I mean Sisters of Battle
The majority of gar teenagers in the human race are found on feral worlds. An education is not a prerequisite to be a Space Marine. The candidates are put in an extremely hostile environment with the intention of separating the riff-raff from the potential Marines. This usually entails holding a candidates head underwater for 3-4 hours, throwing them into boiling lava or a lion's den, or in the absence of suitably hostile environments, shooting them in the head numerous times. Those that survive are able to move to the next stage. This stage involves locking candidates in a giant glass box and watching them go upside each other's heads. The first one to die loses, the second gets a cookie. All/Any survivors go onto the next stage.
The next stage involves pumping the candidate full of more growth hormones, psychotropic drugs and implants than one hundred Arnold Schwarzenegger's could handle, and then putting more in. The gene-seed organs are put inside the person, making them more artificial than Michael Jackson. They then receive enough physical conditioning and psycho-conditioning that there is nothing they could not or would not kill if the Emperor so commanded. If they perform admirably, they are accepted as a Space Marine. If they do not, they become bond servants of the Marines for being such pathetically weak examples of the human race. But having survived most of the implantation and training, they are ideal for cleaning shoes and serving drinks.
[edit] Space Marine Organ Implants
"Mutation is wrong... unless it improves ass-kicking" says everyone on everything. In addition to the organs their mothers gave them, Space Marines have 19 more organs implanted during their creation that have a dramatic effect on their already prodigious capacity for ass kicking. Some of them are as follows;
- Secondary Heart- Having two hearts allows a Space Marine to survive should their other heart fail, to survive a variety of traumatic injuries, and to have greatly increased oxygen carrying capacity. While in theory having two hearts should make a Space Marine more caring, it tends to have the opposite effect. If the expression "filling one's heart with hate" has any meaning, it should explain why Space Marines tend to substitute limb removal for mercy.
- Ossmodula- An organ that basically increases the strength of a Space Marines skeleton. If you thought an elbow to the throat hurt before, think again. The rib cage of a Space Marine also grows into reinforced bulletproof bone plates. When combined with a second heart, a Space Marine's chest is no more a viable target than the ground next to him.
- Biscopea- Boosts muscle growth. This one would make Space Marines very popular with the ladies if not for their policy of combating moral inferiority with neck snapping. Rather ironic, actually.
- Catalepsean Node- Allows Space Marines to function for extended periods with little or no sleep. If you are fleeing from Space Marines, this is the main reason you are going to die. Actually, it is the second reason. The main reason is the explosive bullet he put into your head. (Negates the advantage enemies have by hording Red Bull)
- Larraman's Organ- With this implant, a Space Marine's blood effectively clots almost instantly. The usefulness of this organ is pretty self-explanatory. But if caught in a crappy Zombie movie, people will mistake you for a zombie and try to own your face.
- Preomnor- This allows a Space Marine to sustain on almost anything as a food source and makes it impossible for a Marine to get drunk, and also provides great resistance to poison. If you're thinking of burning a Space Marine force's food supplies and forcing them to subsist on local poisonous flora, and only leaving their alcohol in the hope that they will get drunk for when you attack next, you're an idiot who deserves to die anyway.
- Omophagea- This allows a Space Marine to, essentially, absorb a person's memory by eating their brains. That's right. All your embarrassing moments and sins are available for the viewing pleasure of whichever Marine gets a hold of your corpse first. Something you should also keep in mind, pun not intended, is that the whereabouts of your family and friends are also available to the vengeful bringers of death that killed you.
- Betcher's Gland- Space Marines can spit acid. That's right, god damned acid. You think I'm joking, but I'm not. These bad-ass mofos can chew through freakin steel. Just another reason you should never insult them to their face.
[edit] Battle Performance of Space Marines
Space Marines usually follow the combat doctrine as laid out in the "Handbook for extra-racial and heretic termination" or "Codex Astartes". The main themes of the Codex Astartes are as follows:
- 1- Think before negotiating: If you fire at them with everything you have, could you remove the need to negotiate?
- 2- If negotiation is a necessity, think while doing so: what is the best way to cleave the enemy ambassadors in twain?
- 3- If all else fails, fighting is always the answer.
- 4- If fighting fails, you are not fighting hard enough.
- 5- If you are not fighting hard enough, fight louder.
- 6- The best approach is always from the front.
- 7- If the enemy has left their flanks open, feint and then attack from the front.
- 8- If the front is heavily defended, they are expecting a flank attack. Attack from the front.
- 9- If their flanks and front is both heavily defended but they are vulnerable to an aerial strike, distract them with aerial bombardment and then attack from the front.
- 10- If attacking from the front does not work, you are not fighting hard enough. See point 5.
- 11- If attacking from the front is still not working, you're obviously not attacking their front! See point 6
- 12- If there is no possibility for victory, attack from the front as furiously and loudly as possible. Remember, the greater the defeat, the greater the moral victory.
- 13- The more blood your armour is covered with at the end of a battle, the happier the Emperor will be.
Space Marines usually fulfill these criteria admirably. While trained in every aspect of combat imaginable with every weapon and tool in existence, they almost always prefer a frontal charge. The only other method of attack a Space Marine will consider is an attack from a drop pod. While hurtling into the midst of a fortified enemy position in a ship traveling at breakneck speed that slams into the ground without slowing down is slightly cowardly, it is far preferable to a flank attack.
The armour and weaponry of Space marines is powerful enough that they are almost always victorious in even the most dire of situations. Their suits of Power Armour are a far cry from Flak Armour, and provide such excellent protection that there have been sightings of Space Marines being stepped on by 100 foot Battle Titans only to brush themselves off, rise, and scale the Titan in order to kill the crew. That particular Space Marine was rewarded for his actions, but was initially apostrophized for attacking the Titan from behind.
Space Marines are a feared foe not only because of their skill at arms and overwhelming strength, but also because of their morale. A Space Marine is impossible to intimidate, and any attempt to frighten a Space Marine is usually mistaken as encouragement. This more often results in a Space Marine cutting some poor Ork in half. A transcript of an Imperial Guardsman's diary reinforces this:
"The Dark Eldar were enjoying themselves immensely. With each volley of accurate Splinter Rifle fire, more of my comrades were torn asunder. I saw some of the filthy bastards breaking off from the group to torture wounded Guardsmen. While sporadic fire from our retreating forces took a few of them down, they were professional as well as sadistic; we were taking the worst of it.
Then the Space Marine appeared. He came from behind me, I didn't see where, and charged at the advancing Dark Eldar from the front. His bulky power armour deflected the alien fire with ease, and as he moved his Boltgun spat righteous death, savagely destroying the bodies of his foes and paying no heed to their armour. When he reached them, he simply laid about them with his fists and Boltgun, crushing skulls, breaking ribs and snapping necks. Before long the enemy squad leader was the only one left. Our morale recovered, the rest of us humans just gathered to watch. The Eldar, while probably 7 foot tall, was dwarfed by the Space Marine in both height and breadth. The Marine dropped his gun and pulled out his knife and the Eldar leader did the same. They began to circle each other. The alien sneered, reared up, pointed his knife at the Marine, and laughed. He then said: 'There is no pain you can inflict on me I have not already experienced!' The Space Marine paused, and yelled 'Bullshit there isn't!', and charged at the alien laughing at the top of his lungs. The Eldar reared back in surprise, and the Space Marine grabbed the frail alien and without even a moment of struggle, tore the alien's head off. He then cut some poor Ork in half
As such, Space Marines are feared throughout the galaxy, even 10,000 years after their creation. When a Space Marine force enters a battlefield, it almost always results in the bloody annihilation of their enemy. There have been cases where the enemy simply adopted French tactics in response to the approach of Space Marines, and made a preemptive retreat. This in most cases results in a mere postponement of said bloody annihilation. In fact, the only guaranteed way to survive a Space Marine attack is to surrender. As long as you are not a traitor, heretic, alien, alien-sympathizer, mutant, or deviant you ar- actually, Space Marines execute cowards too. In that case, suicide is the best option. Just don't leave any pictures of your family on your body.
[edit] Great Battles involving Space Marines
- Battle of Macragge- The battle for the Ultramarines chapter homeworld against a massive fleet of Tyranids. While the Tyranids were eventually defeated in space, the 100 men of the elite First Company of the Ultramarines held the Northern Polar fortress against countless thousands of Tyranids ground forces. While they were eventually overwhelmed, the 100 Space Marines led by Captain Invictus essentially destroyed the entire Tyranid force, consisting of tens of thousands of assault organisms. Captain Invictus has since replaced King Leonidas as the biggest bad-ass of all time.
- Battle of Terra- Three Space Marine legions defend the Emperor's palace against the traitor Space Marine legions and their countless followers, led by the Primarch Sanguinius. Sanguinius fought with a Greater Daemon of the Chaos Gods, and broke it's back over his knee. Sanguinius is so far beyond the "biggest bad- ass of all time" title that he has been granted the greater title of "High Over-Lord Your Singularly Honorable and Incredible Thor", abbreviated to mere mortals as H.O.L.Y. S.H.I.T with an honorary "Overlord of Mortals, Legends and Gods". The latter can also be abbreviated, but it makes no sense to the non-geek writer of this article.
- Battle of Haddrake Tor- A less well known battle in which Chaos Cultists cast "Metronome" with Irresistible Force, with the result that the First Company Captain Kleitus was teleported in with half of his body merged with stone and the rest of the Marines ended up all over the place. With half of his body missing, Kleitus cast his Thunderhammer into the hands of another Space Marine, Captain Lysander. 30 points more expensive, Lysander preceded to destroy the defenders for a take and hold victory as the only scoring unit on the objective. Despite poor player tactics and bad dice rolls, Lysander performed admirably, putting him on par with King Leonidas for bad-assery.
- Battle for the Moon- This battle marked the Space Marines' only involvement in the American Civil War. Under the command and employ of Darth Vader, 5 battalions were deployed in the Sea of Tranquility to take J. Edgar Hoover's Confederate Moon base. As Pink Floyd rose on the Dark Side, the Second and Fourth battalions began their charge on the fortress. However, as the brave marines were within mortar range, Hoover's cows began unleashing volley after volley of iPods from their Swiss turrets. Casaulties began piling up. The mortar squads were only 4.2% successful, as they purchased the mortar tubes from IKEA. As the third battalion arrived to aid their failing comrades, the bovine soldiers launched a counter-strike on the marines' right flank. As the cows began to overwhelm the Union mercenaries, a young, ambitious sergeant named Franklin Jefferson Burger, ordered his troops to load their rifles with silver iodide crystals and charge into the mooing marauders, a move eeirely similar to that of Joshua Chamberlain at Gettysburg. With the arrival of the remaining battalions into the craters, victory seemed inevitable for the veteran marines. Yet Hoover had one last weapon in his arsenal. After ordering a tactical withdrawal, Hoover used his giant vacuum on the hapless Space Marines, thus ending the Union lunar campaign. 46,783 Marines and 24,680 cows lost their lives during the campaign. Franklin Burger later would become Commander in Chief of the Space Marines and their people for 420 years. The Marines refer to him even today as "His Whopperness, Burger the King."
[edit] List of people more powerful than Space Marines
Chuck Norris (of course)
Daniel Esparza
A Grue
Confederate Cows
