Space tank
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“OH YEAH!”
~ The Space Tank on flying out of a totally awesome explosion
“What the hell?”
~ A Fighter Pilot on a sudden and unpleasant warmth in his good trousers
“Go, my minions...save yourselves.”
~ Oscar Wilde on going down with the ship
The Space Tank (or Doomhammer as its operators refer to it) is a first-strike tactical weapon for use in close-range and medium-range orbital and deep-space combat. The Space Tank is feared by even the most stalwart military commanders, starship captains, and first-wave pilots. According to one combatant who fought a Space Tank and survived: "Pony town walking left ham, why, Jesus, why?"
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[edit] Research & Development
The Space Tank is the brainchild of Doctor Octopus, who believed that the creation of the Space Tank would bring about a new era of peace and prosperity. He is also rumored to have said that it would put "the key to the city in the palm of my hand," but this quote is unsubstantiated.
Work was performed in the greatest of secrecy, though news of the new weapon reached public ears shortly before (SPOILER) the Earth's destruction during the tank's first test (/SPOILER).
[edit] Design Decisions
Early on, it was decided that the Space Tank would be powered by a self-contained fusion reactor (not a Black hole as has been reported erroneously in the press). Understanding the value of a smooth ride, scientists installed onboard heating and AC with six separate climate control zones, AM/FM stereo (with 8-track player AND tape deck), two 500W subs, reclining power seats, nine-point harness, tinted windows, all-leather interior, no-spill gyro-mounted cupholders, front and side airbags, and cruise control.
A 450mm main cannon and four swivel mounted chainguns were added near the end of the development cycle at the request of military officials for reasons unstated. The chainguns were later removed due to budgetary concerns, along with other experimental weapons.
[edit] Funding Problems
After several months of extensive development and fabrication, it was discovered that the government had unintentionally diverted all funds to a different project. The scientists, filled with righteous fury, struck back in the form of an online petition. The government, backed against the wall, had little choice but to siphon funds from other areas and allow the testing phase to begin.
[edit] Testing
[edit] Initial Test Flight (Disaster)
The first test flight of the Space Tank went strangely awry only seconds after liftoff when the guidance system failed mysteriously, causing the tank to plunge cryptically into the core of the Earth, destroying it. The scientists were unharmed, of course, having retreated to the safety of the far side of the moon hours prior. The totality of their failure only encouraged them to continue, however, and within a matter of days they had prepped a new tank in orbit around a new planet.
[edit] Second Test Flight (Also Disaster)
This planet was also destroyed.
[edit] Final Test Flight (Unknown?)
The success (or failure) of the third and final test flight is not known, but it is assumed that the flight was a failure, as the military brass immediately placed an order of several thousand tanks to be delivered, battle-ready, for use in the Great War.
[edit] Deployment
[edit] Bug War
The Space Tank battalions were integral to the human victory during the Bug War. For the first time, military commanders possessed a weapon that, if used correctly, removed all need for costly mop-ups (after successful ground invasions) or evacuations (after failed ground invasions).
[edit] Vietnam
Vietnam was a mythical American war begun in the late 50s and ended in the mid-70s, with a 60% chance of showers in the afternoon. No Space Tanks were harmed in the production of this war.
[edit] Model Kits
In the late 90s (of century two-two, back when we had a little bit of respect for our elders), the Space Tank was first made available as a model kit for young boys. Initial sales were high, but the success of the product in a home environment faded along with the human population.
[edit] Commercial Use
In present day, the Space Tank has found widespread use amongst pirates (as a first-strike weapon, its intended use), hookers (as an aphrodisiac?), and pirate hookers.
