Spalding
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“Where?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Spalding
Spalding is a small collection of supermarkets in Lincolnshire, England perhaps best known for its annual Fertiliser Festival. The number of visitors continues to decline although it still manages to attract a large number of low lifes and creeps from all over the world. Since 2002, it has also held an annual May Day festival in October in an attempt to encourage rumours that it is "the most eccentric town of lincolnshire"
Spalding is often considered by southerners, as England's southernmost 'Northern' town. By Northerners it is considered a Southern town. People from the Midlands generally refer to Spalding as being in East Anglia, whereas East Anglians insist that Spalding is in the Midlands. A number of reasonings are attributed to this thinking, about which the reader is invited to draw his or her own conclusions.
In 1425 there was the so called "South Holland" rebellion in which the entire county of Licolnshire marched to the Geographical Mapping Society in order that Spalding be removed from the map. They were ofcourse met with complete and utter Apathy (and a legion of the King's finest brigade that cut the rising (and the leader's heads) down to size)
Spalding's secondary modern schools can only be so called because they are the closest thing that spalding has to an education system. A recent OFSTED report stated:
"they have playgrounds and are full of kids...they must be schools"
It is also reported that Spalding has two single-sex free grammar schools. However this is to be doubted, as such schools are clearly a THING OF THE PAST. Inspection of some of the teachers at either school would tend to back up this judgement.
Tourist attractions in Spalding include Ayscoughfee Hall, which brings millions of visitors per year to gape at its spelling. An important thing to remember about Ayscoughfee is that you are NOT allowed to bring your cattle into the house or gardens.
As with any town with no viable means of economy or future the people of Spalding rely upon the deaths of wealthy relatives (the town has a Bylaw that actively encourages "Enquickening the death, and easing the pain") and mugging and holding ransom anyone lost or stupid enough to find themselves there.
The people of Spalding are resentful and full of malice but due to a natural weariness to hard work, little ever comes of this.
It was recently voted 6th place in the top 200 places worse than hell awards 2005
Spalding is due to hold the 2008 World Tulip Conference, seizing its chance in the face of strong opposition from towns such as . Buoyed by this success, it is thought that Spalding may enter a last-minute bid to host the 2016 Olympics.
[edit] Universal Celebration Of Spalding Day
Every year on the 30th of February, nations across the universe celebrate the existence of Spalding, due to it's iconic status as the town where life began. Ambassadors from all areas of the Milky Way and various other galaxies come bearing gifts to leading residents of Spalding, to show their graititude. Also, awards ceremonies are held to acknowledge achievements of Spaldingers as they are affectionately known. Previous winners of the most prestigious award, the GAOSACA (Golden Award Of Spalding Awards Ceremony Award) include Ellis and Steve for services to COD 4, Dave for services to Beer and Fags, and to all current Gleed Boys students for services to irrelevance.
NOTA BENE: Spalding is also a portmanteau of the words spanking and scalding. It is used to describe the pain/pleasure of the recipient's ass during and after the giver spanks it.
