Spanish Civil War
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| Spanish Civil War | |
|---|---|
 This poor schmuck gets shot every time the Spanish Civil War is even mentioned. | |
| Conflict: Spanish Civil War | |
| Date: B.C. 36 -5638 | |
| Place: IKEA (Formally Spain) | |
| Outcome: Draw - destruction of the entire solar system | |
| Combatants | |
| Popular Front government of the Spanish Second Republic, British tourists lost from their hotels in Benidorm, Mexico, USSR, FC Barcelona | Nationalist Spain, Scellator, Darth Hitler, Real Madrid |
| Commanders | |
| Manuel Azana Largo LaGrande Caballero Juan Negrin Manuel Calavera Rambo | Francisco Franco Scellator Preadtor |
| Strength | |
| 38563465675756 | 397 |
| Casualties | |
| 2345256 | 7 |
The Spanish Civil War was an almighty ruckus that lasted three very long, unpleasant years from July 18, 1936 to April 1, 1939. The two sides involved in the conflict were the whinging lefties of the incumbent government of the Spanish Second Republic and a bunch of army officers, jumped-up Catholics, crazy monarchists and landowners desperate to make their country as cool as Nazi Germany or Mussolini's Italy. Some historians have attributed it to complex political, economic and even cultural divisions in Spain at the time, but recent research has shown it to be the result of a bunch of dagoes not wanting to do a proper day's work and preferring to start a war. The levels of laziness in the Spanish Civil War were so astonishing that the Spaniards actually had to get other Europeans to fight their own civil war for them.
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Ever since losing their American colonies and getting duffed up by the world's shortest dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte, Spain had been as ineffectual as a bald man's comb and spent much of the 19th century swapping monarchs about, having liberal governments that didn't do much and being walked all over by the Catholic Church. After losing a war to America in 1898, for a change Spain then lost another one with Morocco in 1921, an impressive feat considering the Moroccans were armed with sticks and a large supply of sand.
By 1930 a bunch of fake politicians and coffee-house intellectuals were fed up with things in Spain being so rubbish, so they decided to form a new government, via the ingenious method of just saying so. Somehow, their "right, we're in charge now" revolution was pulled off, and King Alfonso CLXIII went to France where he spent the rest of his days grooming his moustache and watching football. The new regime was the Spanish Second Republic. The key figure of the Republic was Manuel Azana, who was famous for never smiling in photographs and having the world's roundest glasses. He, and a great deal other of his Republican chums weren't too keen on the Army or on religion, so the government bummed out the soldiers and clergy as much as possible. As they were forming the government with the Socialists, there was impetus for enacting agrarian reform in order to stop the Spanish peasants starving whilst the landowners drank all the wine and ate all the paella. Unfortunately, they were too lazy to do it properly, and so pretty much annoyed everyone in that regard. By 1933 everyone realised that the Republic wasn't as groovy as they originally thought, and elected a bunch of Catholic nutjobs calling themselves the CEDA, who, like modern political parties, had no policies whatsoever and just sat tight hoping that nothing bad would happen.
The result was that everyone was pretty hacked off with everyone else, so, rather than doing any proper work a bunch of soldiers decided to rise up and shoot some reds. The man who planned the whole shebang was Emilio Mola, who, in a bizarre coincidence, looked just like a skinny version of Manuel Azana.
[edit] The Course of the War
Manuel Azana and his leftist pals, the Socialists, the Anarchists of the CNT/FAI and the Communists weren't altogether too keen on the army being so naughty, and so armed the people and rallied the loyalist army and police units. The problem was, although they didn't like the rebelling Nationalists, they didn't much like each other, either. The result was Spain got in an awful mess as the dominant political group of each region in the Republican Zone seized partially autonomous power. This led to Republican dominance in Madrid, which, as the centre of government remained under central control, but Anarchist or Socialist rule in other areas (e.g. Anarchism in Barcelona. The accompanying social revolution meant that the Republicans, far from being easily crushing the uprising, were going to be too busy wearing overalls and abolishing money to do anything useful like fighting.
The strongest element of the army was in Africa overseeing Morocco, but were going to have to swim it as the Air Force and Navy remained loyal to the government. The commander of the Army of Africa was Francisco Franco, who would soon become the world's second shortest dictator (he was even smaller than Hitler and Mussolini, but nothing on Napoleon. Why were all these dictators so damn short?) Just as Franco was resigning himself to putting on his trunks, the kind, big-hearted Adolf Hitler sent him a fleet of transport aircraft. Invading the south of Spain in a manner almost as vicious as British tourists, the elite troops of the Moroccan brigades advanced northwards, knocking the Republican armies for six. However, by this point the Spanish were getting rather tired of war as it was all a little too much like work.
[edit] Foreign Intervention
The republicans got in Rambo who was able to kill thousands of naughty nationalists with a single bullet shot. This was all good but one of his napalm nuke grenades blew up half of Spain. Franco retaliated by melting Rambo with his super evil laser vision. Hitler helped Franco by giving him a potion to live forever, but Franco forget it. Mussolini sent pizza and troops (All named mario)
[edit] Conclusions
The Spanish Civil War sucked pretty bad, mainly because the goodies lost and the baddies won. Francisco Franco wasn't quite so much as a loser as the other dictators of the 20th Century, but he was still a jerk who liked telling people what to do. However, the aftermath was not all bad. As is their custom, from 1955 the United States decided to do what they do best and waste lots of money on another country they have a strategic interest in (c.f. Germany, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq etc etc) and Spain's economy was transformed, and everyone knew where they wanted to take their holidays. Essentially the war was all very sad and if those reactionary idiots had taken a look at some of the other, better countries (i.e, Britain) and realised "Hey, rather than sitting on all the land, why don't we, y'know, share it a bit so the masses will stop trying to kill us?" then things would have been way cooler.
