Sparta

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Sparta is a small agricultural society leading the European Union. Its main values are democracy, justice and freedom of all men. Its gifts to mankind are arts and religion, and is renowned for their great army.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!, on the other hand, (note the difference in number of AAAAAAAs) is a perpetual bloodbath notorious for their blood-red beaches, severed body parts strewn across the ground, and their hand in their pants. Residents of the city spend their free time skinny-dipping in hot tubs filled with blood, larynges, ears, eyeballs, blood, small intestines, large intestines, large intestines stuffed inside small intestines, and, to the horror of many blood. If you go to SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!, be sure to bring a large army, your balls, and several thousand gallons of moonshine.

[edit] History of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sparta.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! was formed when the great hero, Herakles, and Xena the Warrior Princess had taken a bloodbath together and created Leonidas. However, Herakles' libido was insatiable, leading him to fornicate with 299 other women on the same day, causing, surprisingly, 299 more children to be born. One day his repressed memories of his childhood came forth, and he began beating all of his children, resulting in the creation of the most powerful army that has ever existed. Also see Death.

The very same children, upon reaching the age of 5 years old, went on a murderous rampage and, armed with swords, shields, and several buckets filled with spackle, conquered all of Greece and Macedonia.

Popular signs in SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN streets.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! got itself into several wars (all voluntarily), and became the second leading cause of death in Greece, just under Jack Bauer. Unfortunately for that statistic, Bauer was also a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN. They were highly effective peacemakers, due to the fact that they scared the living hell out of everyone who tried to cause resistance.

This universal fear of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! resulted in a long period of peace, called the the Pax Spartana, because everyone was afraid of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! joining any wars they made. Eventually, the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS grew tired of living without war. To appease the thousands of codpiece-clad protesters clamoring for blood, carnage, blood, destruction, and blood, the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN government used its great Gyro-making abilities to lure illegal aliens to Greece to do battle with.

These aliens, also known as Persians, actually turned out to be a threat. The Persians started wars, becoming the third leading cause of death. Jack Bauer remained the leading cause of death. The warrior Persians were, at first, the minority; doing jobs that the local SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS wouldn't, and for less money.

[edit] SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN-Persian Wars

In 481 B.C., Persian King Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Xerxes tried to satisfy his strange fetish by destroying Greece. His messengers went through Greek cities asking for dirt and Greek tang water so that Xerxes could satisfy his sexual urges for them. Athens refused because they were too busy attending to the Man-Boy "Relation" meetings. No one knows exactly how this played out, but most people think it worked. This was...

[edit] The Battle of Thermopylae

Leonidas decided that he would fight the Persian Empire at Thermopylae. Thermo means hot, and pylae roughly translates to pillow. The SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS piles up thousands of white hot pillows, glued with freshly "harvested" Persian corpses, to make a gate of flaming pillows to repel the invading Persians. This is why it is often thought that Thermopylae actually means "hot gates".

The 300. Leonidas is in the center.

Sadly, the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN tactic failed. SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! annihilated roughly 170 tons of Persian, not including the innocent animals that wandered into the crossfire. The fatal flaw in the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN forces was the fact that Leonidas foolishly sent back a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN soldier who told ghost stories about wolves, and other such things, because he was demoralizing the troops. The exiled man, got really pissed and had a little bitchy fit, and pouted over to Xerxes. He told him of a secret path that led behind SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN lines.

Leonidas and the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS slaughter countless Persians from the front, but they broke down under pressure as Persians came from behind. It was here that the famous phrase "Aw, fuck, they're coming from behind us! Honestly, how the fuck did they even know that was there?! What the fuck?!" was spoken by Leonidas. The SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN ranks broke, and they were overtaken by Persians. The SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS were killed to the last man standing. Those who were sitting were spared.

[edit] Thermopylae Reloaded

Thermopylae is primarily known for the battle that took place there in 480 BC, in which an outnumbered "tightly coupled" Greek force of approximately 5,500 hermaphrodites held off the 500,000 advancing Persian Carpets under Xerxes for three days before being betrayed. A local named Ephialtes revealed a mountain pass that allowed Xerxes to outflank the Greeks. Leonidas sent the main army in retreat while a small band of SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS stayed behind and resisted the advance to the last "man".

"Tightly coupled" Spartan warriors prepare for deadly battle

The "tightly coupled" Greek force included 300 SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS, 4,900 additional fat infantry from Arcadia, Corinth, Thespian, Phoenicia, Aegean, Byzantine, Mycenae, Deleterious, and new york (well, all over, really), an unspecified amount of opium from the Gentian's Missourians and a number of slaves (each "hop litely" -- Cadillac convertible -- could be expected to have at least one lightly armed retainer)and the delivery of 21 soviet t72 tanks .. ^{[citation needed]}

Though the Persian Carpets were many in number, and their manpower arithmetically exceeded that of the Greeks, estimates of their actual strength vary widely (mostly because the art of 'counting' was as yet unknown), from an army as small as 20,000 ants to as large as 5,000,000 elephants; the most widely accepted number is between 200,000 and 300,000 porcupines. The Athenian naval commander Themistocles protected the fighting SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS from approaching Persian warships in the undecided and indecisive naval battle of Artemas, north of Thermopylae, by repeatedly ramming his rams into the iron-clad Persian warships.

A 2007 film titled 300 was based on this battle.

[edit] SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN Education

Unlike the rest of the Greeks, the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAANS lived only for the noble and delicious sport of war. If he is not dumped into an abyss for being ugly, then upon reaching the age of seven each boy was taken to be trained by Jack Bauer (who remained the leading cause of death), where they would spend 92% of their time raining bloody death upon the foolish Athenians. The remaining 8% was not spent doing math problems, but rather learning how to search and destroy.

The school from which all of said knowledge was gained, aptly named "Overlord's Happy Sunshine Academy", was run by Jack Bauer, and decorated with the gooey, delicious blood of the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN'S fallen enemies. Students were taught how to: make craft work out of the severed heads, larynges, and kneecaps, of invading Persians, how to live off of twigs and enemy blood for 5 and a half years, and finally how to write with the blood of their enemies.

As a side note, SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN students were instructed to keep jars of the blood of their enemies. Most students ended up having collected at least twenty-three gallons of blood by their 13th birthday, upon which they received a brand new white cape, a leather speed o, and the recognition of a tr00, 133t h4xxor. The newly inducted SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS were expected to have stained their capes red with the blood of enemies by the following day, a very important ritual, with the punishment of being kicked into a well.

[edit] SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN Entertainment

A typical SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAN will find entertainment anywhere.

The SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS were proud of their diverse entertainment. Although not as "philosophical" or "advanced" as those Athenian pussies, they did the best they could with what they had. Their most important contribution was creation of improvisational comedy. During breaks from their training some SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN youths would perform for the others. These performances usually consisted of the actor wearing the skin of one of his fallen enemies and dancing around. If the performance didn't go as one of the audience members would like, being SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS, the audience might kill the actor. This spectacle became so popular that it became a regular event. Eventually some of the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS decided to take these shows on tour, and formed an unnamed comedy troupe. The shows remained the same, for the most part, but with twice the killings of the old shows. During a one niter in Egypt a drunk fan called the group "Spartaneous". He then proceeded to vomit all over himself and the name stuck and now continues to be used to this day. Unfortunately, everyone in this group died between 500 and 400 B.C., making the latter part of the previous sentence untrue. To this day, however, the group "Spartaneous" is compared to such names as The Beatles, and The Who.

[edit] Fashion

Anthropologists and Historians are still trying to determine the meaning behind this work of art. It is either Leonidas looking for a fix, or crapping his pants, after having a bit too much to eat in Hell. It has been said that he tried the Buffalo Wings with the Satan's Saliva Special Sauce, which would explain his pained expression.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAA! was the most fashionable city in all of Greece (even if they regularly raped Chadians to make better soldiers), and SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS were the only men who could wear speedoes and red cloaks and still be seen as macho, and not gay. If anyone ever called a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN gay, and the man heard him, the insulter would have been kicked into a pit, pulled back out with a rather large hook, beaten to a bloody pulp by children, and hung up as an air freshener in a local SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN gym. Some other punishments the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS had in store for anyone who dared insult them included: decapitation, burnings, drownings, recapitation, redecapitation, and mob trampling. If the insulter was an infant it would be thrown into an abyss. Quite often all of these things would be done to one person, all in one night, usually taking about 23 minutes and 48 seconds.

The standard equipment of the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN was a gigantic-ass friggin' shield, eight foot friggin' spears, and...leather speed oes, all tastefully weaved, and colored to contrast the bloodstains. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN fashion has influenced the whole culture of Los Angeles, in a steroid-shaving-minimalist way.

[edit] Military

Modern SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN soldier with full combat gear including camouflage and helmet and heavily technologically advanced weaponry.

The kind and benevolent military of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! was a force only slightly more relentlessly devastating than a category 23 Hurricane or a so-called supernova. Every soldier drank 7 gallons of caffeine every two hours as part of their training. Armed with swords that shot piranhas, shields made of the bones of the Gods, all of whom had temporarily been killed in a murderous rampage/stampede (later referred to as King Leonidas' Birthday Party), and speed oes made from the leather of their foes. Most soldiers, of which there were exactly 301, were capable of throwing Ironic pillars at their enemies, which may explain why so many pillars were found, scattered all around Greece, in fields far away from any towns. Many pillars were found atop crushed skeletons. Who would have guessed that SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS had fought skeletons? But then again, the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS fought anybody, anywhere, anytime.

The military system, if one could call it that, was developed by Jack Bauer, born in SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! himself. He had had a bit too much to drink, and he was angry at the universe, suspecting that it had it in for him. Bauer finally organized the SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS into the formidable destructive force they are today. Or actually were, about 2,500 years ago. After Leonidas fell and hurt his little toe in the Battle of Thermoplyae, Bauer led the army to drive the Persians out of Greece. He later waged a war against the universe, in which he was also successful.

[edit] Danger factor

The average SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN has been described as only slightly more dangerous and dirtier than the most rabid, drug-addled, caffeine-addicted, steroid-pumped, dog. Word has it that a SPARTAN is deadlier than a ninja-pirate. Avoid SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!! if you value your life.

If you encounter a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN, back away slowly, and pray to Hades that you don't get your eyes ripped completely out, kicked into a pit, and your skull gang-raped, for it is a very unpleasant experience, which is guaranteed to spoil your day.

Oh. There's also one right behind you.

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