SAS

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The Special Air Soljurs (SAS) is the British Army's elite broadcasting regiment, called out when ever the army needs to look good on the telly, hence air service - on air. Also known as Super Army Soldiers. Not to be mistaken for the Scandinavian Airline Systems (SAS) (although some of them also work there). Ross Kemp has been the Emperor in Chief of the SAS since 1635 and during the documentary, 'Ultimate Force', Emperor Kemp allowed a film crew to follow him around on his daily chores. The crew found they were sterile after the documentary had been completed, this is due to the Gamma radiation emitted by Ross Kemp's crotch. Emperor Kemp has a trademark battlecry; "Shut it you slag", which causes the radiation to temporarily become 1000x stronger, which is roughly enough to sterilise 3 quarters of China.

The SAS's main form of transport is the Pimp Mobile.

[edit] Location

The SAS base is near Hereford, England. The base comprises barracks, The killing House, Headquarters and a Tesco. The headquarters building is nicknamed 'The Kremlin' because that's where the Israeli spies work.

[edit] Notable Missions

• The Official KFC Iranian Bargain Bucket Embassy Siege
• Scouting missions for the Absolut Vodka-sponsored Iraq Inlibervasion (2002)
• Bravo Two Zero (desert clothing supplied by Sweat-Shop Inc.)
• Zero Two Bravo
• The Special Hair Service (blow-drying tips while under enemy fire)
• Making of the Special Air Service(TV)
• Special Air Service: The Return
• Special Air Service II: Brothers in Arms(TV)
• Special Air Service III:Unfinished Business(TV)
• The Specials(TV Pilot)
• SAS: Survival Secrets with Dermot O' Really
• Ultimate Force with Grant Mitchell out of Eastenders
• Attempted Destruction Of Eveshamski

[edit] Training

Although the occasional nancy boy slips into the ranks (as it were), the SAS aims to primarily recruit amongst the heterosexuals in the armed forces. The reason for this is three fold. One, it is well known that you're only gay if you bat, not if you bowl. Second, the SAS has found that sexual violence is the fastest way to intimidate and subdue an unfriendly force, whether they be terrorists or Pakis. For this reason, they do not want men who might fall in love with the enemy. The purpose of buggery in the SAS is (almost) never romantic in nature, and they have found that red blooded heterosexuals have less of a predilection for this sort of thing. Lastly, the SAS recruits heterosexuals because they are much less common in the UK armed forces. This gives the SAS an "elite of the elite" status, and a corresponding esprit de corps.

The one exception to the "gay if you bat, not if you bowl" rule is the drill instructor or DI. The DI is usually of the rank of sergeant, and during training is the prime target for practice buggery. Which is not to say that the DI is in any way passive. On the contrary, the DI will use any and all methods to test his trainees, to force them to come too quickly, and most of all, to shame them for their lack of buggery skills using taunts and sarcasm to question the troop's masculinity. (Note: A taunt is not to be confused with a taint.)

Examples of DI Taunts:

• You call that buggery, do you, you paintywaist? Me own mother could fuck me up the arse better than that!!
• Is your wee cock in yet, laddie?!!
• Lube? You're not going to find any lube in Basra, you pansy! (Not true. There are ample supplies of goat grease in Basra.)
• Oh, was I supposed to feel that?!! I've had diarrhoea thicker and more solid than that in there, boy!!
• You could at least have the common decency to give me a reach around!!
• OK, troop, drop and give me sloppy head!!
• You call that a punch in the nuts?!! You're a regular Jimmy Caruthers, ain't cha?!

After the training in buggery is complete, SAS recruits are given training in the practice of machine guns, rubber chickens, high altitude urination, sharpshooting, camouflage, basic infiltration and ex-filtration techniques, basic reconnaissance, first aid, and silly walks.

Once basic training is complete, the recruit goes onto advance training, picking two specialities. The reason for two specialities rather than one is because SAS teams in the field are usually very small, and each man might have to take up the job of a fallen comrade. Thus, there are usually two members on a team with advance medical training, advanced urination from a great height training, and advanced rubber chicken fighting, depending on the mission. Smaller teams allow the SAS to conduct missions far behind enemy lines, bugger enemy forces with more versatility, and more easily divide up the check when dinning out.

[edit] Techniques

• Pissing from a great height. Two SAS men dangle from the underside of a helicopter on ropes, and fly towards the building to be assaulted at high speed. At the planned distance the SAS men each begin pissing on any terrorists in the rooftop, thereby embarrassing the terrorists to such a degree that they throw down their weapons and surrender in shame. Then SAS snipers shoot them.

• Fake entry. This only works on targets with their pants down that are also sporting an erection. A SAS soldier will feint towards the exposed arse of the target with his penis to distract him, while another SAS soldier will punch him him in the nuts.

• The Abseil Shot. With this technique (as practised many times by former SAS man Red Hand Luke) an SAS soldier can bugger a terrorist on another level of a flight of stairs. The SAS man drops his drawers from the top of the stairs and then somersaults down the stairs. As he passes the floor with terrorist on he beats him about the head and shoulders with his enormous cock, then buggers the terrorist once he is properly subdued..

[edit] Weapons and Equipment

• Browning Hi Power - Deluxe toaster with bun warmer
• Rubber Chicken - Sometimes the SAS use guns but most of the time they use rubber chickens because they are silent and don't leave dead bodies lying around everywhere.

Applied with the Pinkie, the Dirty Sanchez is an important part of SAS camouflage as shown by Belfast-born Harry McGuigan.

Sometimes the SAS use guns but most of the time they use rubber chickens.

• Dirty Sanchez - Anything that can sexually excite an enemy for critical milliseconds is used.
• Any weapons from the List of weapons that don't exist, but should
• Survival Tin condom. Originally a practical joke but has since become standard issue in forces around the world.

[edit] Did you know?

• My dad is in the SAS

[edit] SAS Slang

• Hard Routine - Hoovering then doing the washing up then making the beds then going down to the bank
• Pinkie - Little finger, used to draw on a Dirty Sanchez when donning camouflage
• Stealth Wank - Secretly masturbating while behind enemy lines
• Flash Bang - A gay dance which temporarily confuses a terrorist during a room clearance
• HAHO - Silly walk
• Tree Jumping - Alternative target when sheep not available
• Fan Dance - Running about after a sheep
• Long Drag - As above, but attired in a dubious costume
• Killing House - going on leave
• TAB - Tactical Advance to Bullshit

[edit] Who Would Win?

• SAS(UK) - BFST(France) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - Hochgebirgszüge(Germany) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - IDF(Israel) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - GIS(Italy) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - GAFE(Mexico) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - KCT(Holland) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - Spetznaz(Russia) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - Delta Force(America) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - Kopassuss(Indonesia) - SAS
• SAS(UK) - Chuck Norris(America) - SAS

So the lesson of the day is. Dont fuck with the SAS. They would wipe the floor with the rest of them. And if they can kill Chuck Norris, you should be scared.