Spider
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The spider is a kind, cute and cuddly bug (g. bebederbugii) that is vital to our ecosystem and wants to eat your brain. All spiders are named Curt and the way to rid your dwelling (an ecological disaster, but who cares) is to shout, "Don't be Curt with me!!!" Of course, those spiders who spell their name, Kurt, are immortal, irritable and not at all cute (or curt) and cuddly. Upon hearing the above phrase, they will stop what they are doing (usually nothing) and eat your brain immediately, thus preventing you from completing programming homework, but who cares.
Surprisingly, there are no female spiders (the black "widow" being a corruption of the Latin, niginx fenester). Spiders reproduce by forming bipolar trivalent bonds with water. Therefore never shower with a spider until properly introduced and never chat with one online.
This spider shown in the photo was photographed in London, England in a suburban bedroom. As one can obviously tell from this picture, the spider is a white. Upon closer examination, a viewer will come upon a curious spiky blob upon the surface. These substances are referred to as toys and are often called cocaine as slang. As spiders are renown for their lack of hygiene, another reliable way to determine if said animal is a spider is to point a razor at it; In the event that it is a spider (and not just a donkey, a common misunderstanding) it will bite everything near it (increasing the risk of leukemia in children and the elderly).
Spiders come in a variety of colours, liveness and toilettrainedness and are often killed to design keyboards and computers.
You can tell how old a person is by how many spiders they have swallowed whilst sleeping. Of course, a person cannot tell you this information; you have to cut them open and have a look.
- Scientists have discovered that "spiiiiiiiiders" have eight eyes but the Oxford English Dictionary still spell it with only one. How outdated.
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[edit] Transporter Technology
How many times have you looked at the wall, floor or ceiling and not seen a spider, then two seconds later you look and there's huge great spider? How did it get there without you seeing it walk there? The only explanation for it getting there is that it must have beamed in. Yes, spiders have invented transporter technology. They are greatly evolved creatures, almost alien like.
The only known defence against spider transporters is the bath. The bath confuses their sensors into thinking there is a solid floor 3.1 mm above the rim of the bath. The unsuspecting spider beams in and falls into the tub where its transporter sensors cannot see and is thus doomed to die a slow painful death. Or until it is washed down the plug hole.
[edit] I GOT BIT OH MY GOD
If you were bit by a deadly spider, remain calm. Your flesh will get black and may require a life-size pack of White-out. Swelling may occur, making you the size of the Earth. This is quite typical. Consider yourself lucky. Even the famous tennis player, Venus, got swelling and became a planet.
Be sure to apply sunscreen to the eyeballs if bitten in your upper-torso. It will relieve the comfort. The most important thing to do if bitten is to catch the spider and reveal what kind it was. This is what will happen if you are bit:
- Black Widow: You will get major planet-size swelling.
- Brown Recluse: You will explode.
- Wandering Spider: This spider won't bite you actually. This spider will rape you and then commit murdur upon you.
- Banana Spider: Your skin will wrinkle and turn black, then you will become deaf and blind, eventually losing your ability to breathe.
- God Spider: Lightning will become attracted to you, zapping you from the clouds and killing you over and over again until your spirit is dead.
- Space Spider: Space Spiders do not attack the living. They eat zombie planets for the good of the universe. If you are bitten by a Black widow and are a zombie you have been warned.
[edit] Types of spiders
- Clovis bigfukis (see: Fig.1)
- camel bothering spider cooch
- Cob spider
- Your Mother
- Google Spiders
- Camel Spider
- Clock spider
- Armored Crab-Spiders
- Spider-man
- Spider Pig
- leggy spider
- panty eating spider
- Maserati Spider
- GOD SPIDER (Most dangerous in the galaxy)
- /X\(oo)/X\ (Tazmanian ascii spider)
- /X\(``)/X\ (Canadian ascii spider)
- /X\(-_-)/X\ (Asian ascii spider)
[edit] Famous Spiders
- Shelob */X\(-_-)/X\
- Sancho */X\(oo)/X\
- Ungoliant
- Mick Jagger
[edit] Spiders. Secret drug dealers?
Ground breaking and tearjerking, this documentary will reveal to you what what you should have been taught in school. Current research on the spider has shown never before seen behaviors of the spider. Watch and be enlightened.
