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The SPIDER[wo]MAN!! Beware

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Spider-Man.

“That ****ing hurt! That better not leave a scar! Excelsior!”

~ Stan Lee upon birthing Spider-man

“I love his movies, specially when he fights Lex Luthor”

~ George W. Bush on Spider-man

“I dunno who he is, but his ass looks great in spandex!”

~ Peter Parker on Spider-man

“I still think Clark Kent looks better in spandex...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Spider-man

Peter Parker's powers eventually mutated him into the lovable Spider Pig.

Jimmy Olson originated in the brain of the god of the Marvelverse, Stan Lee (aka Stanely L Lee). He was born when the Mighty Thunder God Thor struck Stan Lee in the forehead with his magical sledgehammer and split open his skull after losing to him at Super Smash Bros. Jimmy moved to Metropolis and became a photographer for the Daily Planet. But then the newspaper was bought out by J. Jonah Jameson, who moved it to New York City and renamed it the Daily Bugle. He also forced all his employees to change their names to alliterative format. Jimmy became Peter Parker, Katie Couric became Betty Brant etc. Lois Lane, who already met this criteria was promptly fired because she wouldn't go down on out with him.

Legend has it that Peter was bitten but a radioactive spider that became irradiated after falling into a nuclear physics device. That was an urban legend. Peter was actually sleeping in the break room, when the spider statistically climbed into his mouth and he statistically swallowed it. It probably laid eggs in his esophagus before he had fully digested it. Long story short, he gained the super powers of the spider, EXCEPT the ability to shoot organic web from his wrist. If he really duplicated that, he would shoot it from a gland situated above his penis, and only the female variety spins web anyway, so that would be anatomically inaccurate.

The next day Peter joined the WWE part time, and beat the Macho Man Randy Savage in a Slim Jim cage match, officially ending the show boater's fruity ass career. After the match Peter failed to stop a burglar who ironically killed everyone he ever knew. From this he learned a profound and timely lesson. "With great power, comes kick ass perks." Unfortunatey he sucked ass at being a super villain, and was forced to become a super hero instead. And because super heroes make substantially less then their evil counterparts, he was forced to retain his job as a photographer the Bugle. Although he has made a name by taking pictures of himself, secretly, as Spiderman, and renown porn star, Michael Moore.

Like everyone else in the 80's, Peter Parker's wardrobe already consisted entirely of spandex. All he had to add was the hood.

[edit] Supporting Characters

Like Popeye, Peter Parker obtained nutritional inspiration from the product of his fictional uncle, despite the fact he was a notorious racist.

• Aunt May - Peter enjoys the attractive benefit of being a 30 year old mooching bachelor who still lives with his foster mother, whom he was raised by after his own parents, Superman and Wonder Woman respectively, defected to rival DC
• Uncle Ben - His Aunt May, psychoticly delirious, believes she is married to the black guy on the coockie box
• Mary Jane 'Mojo Jojo' Watson - Peter's booty call, whom he later foolishly proposed to, and has yet to engage in sex with since
• J. 'Triple J' Jonah Jameson - Peter's tyrannical boss at the Daily Bugle, also owns and is CEO of Fox News Corp
• Joseph 'Rodney' Robertson - Peter's editor at the Daily Bugle and the token nigger, whom Peter and NYC police officer's beat down, spurring the New York City race riots
• Betty 'Ford Center' Brant - J. Jonah Jameson's booty call, whom he wisely keeps chained to her secretary's desk
• Gwen 'Stefani' Stacy - Peter's alleged college girlfriend, who he accidentally deflated after the Green Goblin threw her off a bridge
• Flash 'Trenchcoat' Thompson - Peter's best buddy from high school, alleged secret lover, and the world's fastest man and greatest intergalactic hero
• Norman 'Tom' Osborne - Peter's male role model(secret admirer), worst enemy, and coach of the National Champion Nebraska Cornhuskers, circa 94, 95, 97
• Harry 'Super Dave' Osborne - Peter's litle whore, nemisis, ally, sidekick, scapegoat and tag team partner. He and his father have won the 'Holy fuck, is that really your hair?' contest for ten years running. They don't even enter; they just win.
• Felicia 'Hardly Hearty' Hardy (aka the Black Cat) - Spider-Man's official super hero booty call, intergender tag team partner and English tutor
• Dr. Curt 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' Connors - One armed genetics professor whom mentors Peter, later turns into the terrifying Lizard, and frames Harrison Ford in the Fugitive
• Liz 'Not the Lizard' Allan - Peter's first true love, he but prematurely ejaculated while on his WebCam in bed (which created the symbiote Carnage), she later went on to write American Pie
• The Invisible Mexican - He is in every, fucking, panel (for five dollars a week with no bathroom breaks)

[edit] Spider-Man Villains

Spider-Man has one of the largest, non copyright violating rogue galleries in all of comicdom.

Like fellow super heroes Batman and Richard Nixon, Spider-Man has created an impressive enemy's list of super villains who want to smash him with a giant rolled up newspaper.

• The Jokester
• The Macaroni Penguin
• Three-Face
• The Riddle Guy
• The Safecrow
• Hater Gator
• Play-Doh Face
• Mrs. Frigid
• Angry Helmeter
• You
• Man-Bat
• Itchy Cactus
• Ratwoman
• Pinocchio
• Sailor Moon
• The Invisible Mexican
• Godzilla
• Bon Jovi
• Garfield
• 4 Tellyrubbies
• The Jews
• Leonidas
• Kratos
• Spartans
• Template:Ethan Crossland
• Wikipedia
• Aeris Gainsborough
• Sephiroth
• Vincent Valentine
• Cloud Strife
• Jason
• Spider Dick
• Seimen (Venoms Ejaculated Son)
• The Walrus
• PBS
• The Cavity Creeps
• Aslan
• The Chinese
• Black People
• Ukranians
• Faggots (Why he hates himself)
• Mongolians
• Whites
• Westerners
• Immigrants
• Ur Mom
• Vaginas
• Gay Homo Guys
• Koreans
• Skeleton Sigz
• Americans
• Michael Jackson
• English
• Spiders
• Sam Hoffman
• The Fly
• Brian Blessed
• Little Dicks (Jews)
• Big Dicks (Blacks)
• Harry Potter
• David Beckham
• Gordon Brown (dick)
• Stalin
• Arriva bus co. (long story)
• Metallica

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[edit] Spider Powers

Spider-Man is also an expert at disguising himself in a crowd.

I'm not going to lie to you. This is exactly what it looks like.

Spider-Man's arsenal is unparalleled, with an almost limitless/unlimited array of weapons, moves, and super powers.

• Spider-Sense - He is able to sense spiders and step on them faster then anyone on earth
• Wall Crawling - He has the ability to crawl up steep faces, including those found on Mt. Rushmore
• Super Agility and Strength - He can react faster than Extra Strength Tylenol, and lift the equivalent of 20 million Advil tablets
• Spider-Reflexes - While visiting Dr. Octopus, Spider-Man kicked him in the nuts really, really hard when he tapped his knee with a hammer
• Web-Shooters - He spits in shot glasses and chucks them at bad guy's heads

He also maintains a short list of special skills, which he mainly uses when volunteering for charity fundraisers.

• MIND CRUSH!!!
• Tail whip
• Webs of Fail shot
• Binding Web
• Swinging Web
• Super big dildo
• Making hammocks
• Doing a Barrel Roll
• The world wide web
• Tracking Device/ Webcam
• Merriam-Webster
• String shot
• Kage Bunshin no Jutsu
• Willem Dafoe
• Cracking wiseass remarks
• Mood Swings
• Webbed Feet
• Cancer giving via "Radioactive Cud" i.e. "Is he tough, listen bud, he's got..."
• Spider fart
• Paris Hilton vagina attack
• Rape the little children
• Spider Cock Slap (Which he rarely uses because he can't get the ladies.)

For a short time, he really did do 'Whatever a spider can', but after a few days realised that paralyzing a villain with a bite, liquidising their internal organs and sucking them out until nothing was left but skin and bones probably wasn't going to make him many friends (especially among the police) and was pretty fucking gross.

[edit] Alernative Spider-Man Mediums

Spiderman and his lunchson.

Spider-man was the star of several Saturday morning cartoon serials, including:

• Spider-man and his Amazing Friends
• The New Batman/Superman Adventures
• Spider-Man: The Inanimate Series
• Spider-Man: Sexually Uninhibited
• Doogie Howser Pretends to be Spiderman
• Spider-Moon - upcoming 2008 project featuring Peter Parker as a homosexual alien seaman.

Spiderman has also been the subject of several live action series:

• The Amazonian Spider-Woman: Peter Parker gets a sex change and inherits the mantle of the world's greatest female superhero from his mother, Lynda George Washington Bonham Carter
• Louis and Clark: The New Adventures of Spider-Man - Stars Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson as star crossed lovers who travel back in time to steal the identities of pioneers to discover a Northwest Passage to the Pacific Ocean.
• Supaidāman - a Japanese soap opera where he piloted a giant robot known as 'GIANT ROBO-WEB-ERUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!' in order to fight against the Communists of Asia

Spider-man is portrayed by Jake 'Straight as a Rainbow' Gayllenhall in the Spider-Man film trilogy:

• Spiderman
• Spiderman (2): Returns and Strikes Back With a Reloaded Vengeance for the Dead Man's Chest in the Two Towers
• Spiderman (3) Forever
• Spiderman 4: Emo Evolved

[edit] Theme Song

Spiderman has been known to spontaneously burst into song and dance.

Spider-Man also has an amazingly kick ass theme song, that has been used to introduce every single thing ever made about him.

The Lyrics, as written by pop sensation and inspiration for the character Venom, Gene Simmons:

Spiderman, Spiderman,

Eats whatever a spider can.

Look at him, he's so strong,

Catching evil with his tongue.

Lol noob! Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he drunk? Listen bud—

He's got alcohol in his blood!

Can he sew a needle's thread?

Take a look at my oven bread!

rofl! There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of the fridge,

At the cream of the pie,

Like a very greedy midge,

He eats up all the pie!

Spiderman, Spiderman,

Fiendly labour blood Spiderman.

Health and shame, his reward—

Everything else he's ignored.

To him,

Earth is a horrible place—

He wants a planet in space,

That's where lives spider man

KISS (under the threat of death) also made a music video, which can be viewed below:

[edit] Comic

The original Spider-Man comic was first published in the Middle Eastern town of Mecca, and distrubted as Anti-Semetic propaganda by the Iranian government, shortly before Stan Lee converted from Buddism to Islam. (Today Lee is a practicing member of the Blue Oyster Cult).

Spider-Man #1: Learning Salah.

Spider-Man's Anti Zionist visual narrative tradition continued in the form of several humorous comic strip series, syndicated dozens of times in three newspapers across Southern Idaho.

[http://www.jaypinkerton.com/2004/06/spiderman_comics.php For more, go here! You'll poot in your pants!

[edit] Alternate Costumes

Spider-Man is really indecisive when it comes to his fashionable identity, and runs a sweatshop full of mini MJ clones who are constantly sewing him new costumes. Some of his styles over the years:

• Traditional Red and Blue - Stolen from his childhood idol, The Purple Beetle
• Emo Symbiote - Made Peter depressed, suicidal, and make out with Captain America
• Black Costume - Wears every February in spite of Black History Month (as opposed to celebrating it)
• Bag-Man - Kroger's uniform while Daily Bugle writer's union went on strike
• Spider-Armor - Made completely from tarantula exoskeletons, had an allergic reaction and nearly died
• Six Armed Spider Man - A unique April Fool's prank that finally finished Aunt May off with a stroke
• Cosmic SpiderMan - When Peter got drunk and woke up on a float in the Gay pride parade
• Scarlett Spider - Dressed in a curly black wig like the hot chick from Gone with the Wind
• Spiderman $20.99 - Got a job as a male prostitute, and freely advertised his hourly rate
• Spider Slayer - Ran around with Morbius the vampire in a blonde wig

One Day Peter Parker accidentally swung straight into a brick wall, head first, which caused him to have temporary multiple personality disorder, and he created 5 new superhero identities for himself in addition to Spiderman:

• Ricochet - A poor marksman who carries firearms and inadvertently shoots innocent bystanders while trying to apprehend crooks
• Prodigy - A British musician with the power to electrically synthesize ear splittling crappy techno music
• Hornet - Was the mascot for the Charlotte Hornets basketball team, before they betrayed Clay Aiken and Fantasia Burrino and up and moved to New Orleans
• Dusk - Only fought criminals during the short time between the afternoon and sunset, when everyone is eating dinner and watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune
• Man O' Danger - Clues in the title really...

[edit] The Death of Spider-man

Spider-Man's one true weakness. gaseous kryptonite

When Peter Parker finally decided to hang up his tights, a demon named Doomsday, made entirely of the one substance that can kill Spider-man, cyfluthrin, a synthetic pyrethroid, also known as the product sold in major retailers as RAID, fell out of the sky and squashed Peter while he was playing hopskotch with some neighborhood children.

His spider powers were divided and magically distrubted to local residents and several new web clad heroes were born:

• Spider-Woman - Nancy Drew was solving a mystery in NYC when she got her face caught in a cobweb in an abandoned attic
• Spider-Boy - Formerly Superboy, he was sick and tired of the ability to fly, and though shooting sticky rope and swinging cumberously between buildings would be easier to get around
• Spider-Girl - Peter's bastard daughter with Mary Jane, whom he knocked up before their wedding night, therefore making Peter and MJ fornicators according to the Bible
• Spider-Bitch - A fellow prostitute that has the ability to slap people with her 'spider-snap'
• Spider-Dude - A clinically retarded surfer who got lost on his way to the beach and has the ability to walk on really hot sand without burning any of his eight feet
• Eziekel - The Prophet from the Old Testament was resurrected and given Spider-Powers to help usher in the Apocalypse

[edit] Resurection

Spider-Man was later revived when a nuclear explosion opened up a portal to Heaven and Spider-Man was chucked out after God found him hanging about in his bath trying to perv on him.

After this event, spiderman teamed up with constantine to buy his way back into heaven with brownie points. You can see him and constantine fighting evil and straight guys on just about any day. Except saturdays where they have "bonding" time.

[edit] See also

• Man-Spider
• Peter North
• Spider-Woman
• Spider-Man on Wikiality

[ v • d • e ]

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the Marvel Universe

	The heroes, villains, and other people of Marvel Comics, from the creators of Stan Lee's Stripperella, and other Marvel classics as compiled by Uncyclopedia!
Superheroes and heroines	Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel
Supervillains	Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus
X-Men	Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy
Salacious Six	Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth
Other teams	The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven

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